Monday, July 29, 2013

Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

We began our adoption journey 11 months ago.  It has most definitely been fraught with ups and downs.  At first, we were really excited and filled with hope.  As the months have gone by though, we've become frustrated and discouraged.

When we set out on this journey, we decided we would pursue an independent adoption rather than signing on with an agency.  We contacted several local agencies last year before going the independent route, but were turned away by each for various reasons.  After about 6 months of networking on our own, we researched a few more agencies at the suggestion of our social worker.  We haven't been able to find an agency that we feel comfortable with though.  They were all either out of our budget or we weren't comfortable with their practices.  We decided to step up our networking efforts and signed on with an adoption consultant a few months ago, but we still have yet to actually speak with an expectant mother, much less be matched with one.

We've had countless friends suggest we pursue foster care but that is simply not an option for us.  We want to be a forever family for a child, not just a temporary one. Neither Shane nor I can imagine welcoming another child into our home only to have to say goodbye a few short weeks or months later.  There would be no way to explain to Mason why the child he considered his brother or sister was no longer living with us either. Is it sometimes possible to adopt through foster care but there are very rarely newborns available. We want a newborn.  I'm sure most people think we're being selfish considering there are countless children in foster care who deserve a loving family; however, just because we aren't able to have a biological child, doesn't mean we shouldn't still be able to experience all of our future child's firsts. We also aren't equipped to handle the mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect that many children in foster care experience or the various other things they are exposed to.  In my opinion, it takes a truly special individual/couple to be able to care for children in foster care.  We simply are not one of those couples.

One of our biggest obstacles concerning newborn adoption is money. Adoption is expensive.  I am a member of a private adoption page on FB that lists situations from various agencies and attorneys.  Shane and I have been interested in several of the situations but we simply can't afford the fees associated with them.  Just to give you an example, one such situation was over $40,000.  It included $23,000 for the agency fee, $10,000 for birth mother expenses (living expenses, maternity clothes, and in some cases, lost wages), and $8500 for legal fees.  Travel would be in addition to that and given the fact that it was an interstate adoption, it would have included a hotel stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.  These types of situations are posted on the FB page almost daily.  Given the fact that we are a one-income household and we still need to be able to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and save for Mason's future, we simply can't afford those kinds of fees.  There was a situation posted recently that was within our budget but there are almost 500 members on that page so of course everyone pounced on the opportunity.

The other obstacle to realizing our dream of growing our family is that adoption comes with a considerable risk.  Even if we finally find an expectant mother who chooses to place her child with us, there are no guarantees that she won't change her mind after the baby is born, or even beforehand.  She is entitled to do so, but the thought of a failed match or placement is enough to drive a prospective adoptive parent insane! It seems like lately I'm seeing more and more instances of failed matches/placements and it's starting to freak me out.  I know of a couple who just experienced their second failed placement and I just read about a couple on the FB page who has experienced 9 failed matches.  I can't even fathom how we would find the strength to try again after even one failed match/placement, let alone multiple!!!  In addition to that, the birth mother expenses are at-risk fees. They typically start once you are matched and continue until 6-8 weeks postpartum.  Some states limit the amount an expectant mother can receive but in most cases the fees range from $3-10,000.  If she changes her mind, that money is lost.  It would take us quite a bit of time to recoup our losses in order to try again.

Shane and I have both felt over the past several years that God was leading us to adoption, but I can't help but wonder now if that was just wishful thinking on our part.  Everyone keeps telling me that our baby will find us and we just need to be patient.  That is SO much easier said than done though.  Mason has been praying nightly for God to bring him a baby.  It breaks my heart that we have no control over when/if he will ever have a baby brother or sister.  We are just ready for our family to be complete.  I can only hope and pray that our baby does indeed find us soon and that we are once again able to recapture that sense of excitement and hope and not be consumed by anxiety and fear that everything will fall apart at the last minute.  I've read several times that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  That is a drastic understatement. While adoption is the ultimate selfless act on the part of the birth mother and the most precious gift an adoptive couple can receive, it is most definitely a roller coaster ride. Throughout the last 11 months, we have most definitely experienced the good, the bad and the ugly and our journey isn't over yet.  I truly am looking forward to the day that I am able to look back on all of this and realize that God brought us to it and through it and rejoice in the fact that our family is finally complete!!


Monday, July 1, 2013

The Things We Take for Granted

No matter how hard we try not to, we often end up taking things for granted.  Our family members, friends, job, financial security, health, and our future.  We just assume that our loved ones will be with us for the long haul or that things will go according to our plans.  We forget that no one lives forever and that Murphy's Law often applies to many aspects of our daily lives.  It has certainly applied to multiple facets of my life, which only makes sense given the fact that my maiden name just happens to be Murphy.  I swear I should get a tattoo that reads, "Anything and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong!"

I've always had a tendency to dwell on the future.  No matter how hard I try to live in the moment, to be thankful for the blessings I have today, I always find myself wondering and worrying about the future.  I spent most of my high school years worrying about and preparing for college.  Due to that, I missed out on making countless memories with my nearest and dearest friends.  Once in college, all I could  think about was graduating and starting my teaching career.  I can't even begin to imagine all of the things I missed out on during those four years.  When Shane and I got engaged, my focus partially shifted to our wedding and our life together.  Just six months after we were married, instead of relishing in our newlywed status, I was already focused on trying to start a family.  

All along the way, I took if for granted that everything would go according to my plans.  For the most part, everything did up until we began to try to have a baby. I had known early on in our relationship that we might have difficulty due to health issues on both sides.  I naively assumed that somehow our plans would come to fruition despite any obstacles we might face.  Enter Murphy's Law in a BIG way. Our plan was to have a baby by the time we were 25. Ha!  As if!!  My mother-in-law frequently says, "If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans."  I'm sure Shane and I had him rolling on the floor laughing for years. We faced many obstacles and much heartache before we finally became parents.  Looking back now, I can say without a doubt it was all worth it.  We know how blessed we are to have Mason in our lives and we try very hard not to take him for granted.  

I wish I could say after everything we went through that we learned our lesson as far as making plans, but apparently we still had a few tests ahead of us. We were naive enough to think that we had paid our dues with our first pregnancy and the loss of Madelynn and that once we were ready to give Mason a sibling, everything would fall into place.  Once again, Murphy's Law set us straight. Nothing went according to our carefully orchestrated plans.  God had a different plan for us to expand our family.

We have felt for quite some time that God was leading us to adoption but we were just too stubborn.  We wanted to follow our own path.  Once we finally came around to his plan, we were certain that the biggest obstacle that we faced was the home study.  We thought if we could get through that, adoption would be attainable.  You would think we would know better by now, but what can I say, we're suckers for punishment.  We've been waiting now for almost a year and all we've encountered is near misses.  Some days I can't help but feel anger and bitterness.  So many others are able to conceive without difficulty and have uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.  They don't take the time to realize how blessed they are but instead take those miracles and their children for granted.  

Many don't realize and couldn't even begin to fathom what's it's like for those of us on the other side.  Infertility is a roller coaster ride from Hell.  From where I'm sitting, adoption isn't much better.  The only difference is instead of constantly being physically poked and prodded, you are constantly mentally and emotionally poked and prodded. Not only is your privacy invaded with the home study process but you are faced with a huge amount of uncertainty and financial strain.  

Adoption is NOT cheap and while I understand that there is a service being provided which incurs costs, some of the fees are astronomical.  Just to give those of you who are unfamiliar with adoption expenses an idea of the cost involved, I'll give you an example of a situation I came across last night.  The baby is due in about 3 weeks.  The agency fee is $23,000, the legal fees are $8500 and the birth mother expenses are $10,000.  This is not atypical either.  Most adoptions cost upwards of $35-40,000.  I don't know anyone who has that kind of cash laying around, and we certainly don't.  The most we can afford is maybe half of that. Don't get me wrong, being able to give Mason a sibling would be worth EVERY penny but there is just no way we can afford that. We still need to keep a roof over our head and food on the table and be able to save for college for both children. If we could get a loan, that would be awesome, but it's not like banks are willing to take such a huge risk.  There's no collateral involved.  Financial concerns aside, we are taking a huge emotional risk. There is no guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind once the baby is born.  If she does decide to parent, which is totally within her rights, we would be out all those fees and most likely couldn't afford to try again.  I don't want to even contemplate the emotional devastation we would experience.  It's a risk we have to take though in order to grow our family.

Sometimes I look back and I am amazed at all that we took for granted as far as the future was concerned.  I can honestly say that we have finally learned our lesson.  We don't take much of anything for granted anymore.  I still wonder and worry about the future but I no longer make plans.  I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to adopt and that Mason is meant to have a sibling, but I know that the when and where are not in my control.  I just need to try to be patient and hope and pray constantly that when we are finally matched with an expectant mother, Murphy's Law doesn't try to rear it's ugly head again.