Before and After

Some days, I feel like I'm living someone else's life; or more accurately, an entirely different lifetime.

Very few things in my life have unfolded the way I had anticipated. I wasn't supposed to lose my mother in my early twenties, or my father and Vin within months of each other in my early thirties. I wasn't supposed to be blessed with the miracle of twins only to have to fight tooth and nail to stay pregnant long enough for them to survive, and then have to say goodbye to my daughter just a few short months after saying hello. I wasn't supposed to be raising my son as a twinless twin, or watching him struggle daily to overcome the effects of being born so prematurely. I wasn't supposed to live in constant fear that he will never be able to live the life he was meant to due to being on the spectrum. I wasn't supposed to deal with all of this profound loss and heartache while living thousands of miles away from my siblings and extended family, and nearest and dearest friends.

Some days, I truly feel like I have lost myself. I feel disconnected from my past and who I was, and who I had hoped to be. I feel isolated from, and forgotten by family and friends. I feel as if I am suspended between who I once was, and who I have become. It's almost as if my life has been split in two,  "before" and "after." I am not the person I once was, nor will I ever be again. More often than not, I find myself struggling to let go of people and places from my past. They no longer serve a purpose in my life, but I hold on for dear life out of fear and habit.

Somehow, someway, I need to find the strength and courage to let go and move on. It won't be easy since it will mean letting go of people I have known practically my entire life, but I am tired of being jealous and bitter on a daily basis when I scroll through my News Feed. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere, or like people are uncomfortable just being around me. I'm tired of second-guessing the things I say and feel and do. I am tired of living in my own shadow.

It is time for me to accept this life I was given, even if it wasn't what I had planned. It is time for me to be the woman, and wife and mother that my life has shaped me to be, and no longer worry about those who can't/won't accept me for who I am. It is time for me to make the most of what's left of this lifetime, and learn to live each day to the fullest. I don't want to look back in fifty or sixty years and regret wasting any more of the precious time I have with Shane and our miraculous children. It is time for me to embrace the "after!"

Adoption Awareness

As I'm sure by now most of you are aware, November is adoption awareness month. Obviously, our family was blessed beyond measure by the miracle of adoption and we sincerely hope to experience that miracle once more. What some of you may not be aware of is the anti-adoption movement. A dear friend messaged me last night after she unexpectedly discovered it via the comments on a post celebrating adoption awareness month on Holiday Inn's FB page. The very same post popped up in my newsfeed this morning.

One of the commenters is clearly anti-adoption. Among other things, she ridicules adoptive parents for paying birth parent expenses prior to a baby being born. She equates it with a bribe since the adoptive parents are hoping that the expectant mother will place her baby with them. What she fails to acknowledge is the fact that the expectant mother is not the only one who is vulnerable or being coerced. The adoptive parents are often times taking a risk by paying those expenses. The expectant mother has the right to change her mind at any moment and she is not required to pay back those expenses.

Adoption is not simply black and white, there's a lot of gray area involved. It's also not all about money. I had a discussion with an adult adoptee on another friend's FB page just last week. This friend had shared a picture that pointed out the fact that most adoptions cost around $40,000 while an abortion only costs around $400. The adult adoptee commented that it was a shame people pay that much to adopt when that amount of money would likely eliminate a birth family's desperation and prevent them from relinquishing their rights. I responded that money is not the only factor that contributes to a birth family choosing adoption. There are countless other factors such as inability to parent due to age or other circumstances, and still others who are unwilling to parent for reasons of their own that have nothing to do with the almighty dollar. This same woman had the audacity to provide me with a link for an "ethical" adoption agency, alluding to the fact that our adoption wasn't ethical. Her perception of adoption has been skewed by her own experience and she refuses to see that not all adoptions are unethical. The difference is I can see both sides. 

While adoption isn't ideal, it still is a beautiful and miraculous thing. Both Shane and I, and JT's parents feel that we were an answer to each other's prayers. Obviously, in an ideal situation JT would have been able to grow up with his birth family. For various reasons though, his birth parents chose to place him for adoption. I am grateful that we were able to meet them and begin building the foundation for our relationship prior to his birth. Due to that budding relationship, my heart literally broke for them the day JT was born. I left the birthing suite to go downstairs and be with Mason so Shane could go meet JT. As soon as Shane headed upstairs, I had to drag Mason into the ladies' room because I could no longer hold back the tears. I cried hysterically for them and for what they were about to give up.  I am so grateful that we are in an open adoption and remain in contact to this day. They are not just JT's birth parents, they are part of our extended family.

I felt drawn to write this blog post because I want to help educate others and dispel the negativity being spread by the anti-adoption movement. While I admit the adoption industry is flawed and in desperate need of reform, I'm tired of adoptive couples being painted as baby snatchers. At its core, adoption is about building relationships. I honestly can't imagine our lives without JT or his birth parents and I am eager to meet our future daughter and her birth parents as well. I sincerely hope that our relationship with them is just as miraculous!

Friends for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?

Friendship has always been a struggle for me. I don't make friends easily, but once I do I am fiercely loyal & I don't take ending any friendship lightly. As I get older, however, I am beginning to realize the profound truth behind these words:

Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

Looking back, I have most definitely had friendships for a reason; those that were meant to fulfill a specific purpose in my life or in theirs. I've also had friendships that were only meant to last a season. For me though, I've always felt that most of my friendships were meant to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to accept the fact that that's simply not the case. 

Aside from Facebook, I have all but lost contact with countless friends I thought were meant to last a lifetime. We keep tabs on each other & send the occasional text or email, but we are no longer truly a part of each other's lives. We have all but lost the connections we once had and no longer have the energy or the desire to reconnect.  

I am slowly coming to the realization that it's time for me to let go. I have changed a great deal in the last several years. The sad truth is that most of my friends, & family members as well, can't identify with me anymore or with the life experiences I've had. Hell, some days I can't even identify with myself. It's no one's fault, it just is what it is. 

I'm not saying that I plan to end those friendships I thought would last a lifetime. I am simply putting them into perspective. I will always cherish the memories we've made but I no longer have unrealistic expectations. I will continue to stay connected through Facebook & through the occasional text & email, & see them as the blessings they are instead of lamenting the lack of connection I've been associating with them. 

Most importantly, going forward I am going to embrace each friendship whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I've come to realize lately just how precious & fragile friendship can be & I don't ever want to take it for granted again.

My Multiple Personalities

Shane often jokes that I have multiple personalities. He'll say things like "all three of you" or "which one of you?" when referring to me. He calls it being "personality friendly." It occurred to me that in a sense, he's right. 

There are in fact, three versions of me. The me I used to be, the me I have become and the me I wish I could be.  

Buried deep within is the naive, optimistic young girl/woman I once was long ago. She had a sense of humor and loved to make others laugh. She trusted and loved unconditionally & only saw the good in people & situations. She hadn't experienced profound loss or heartache and didn't dwell on the "what ifs" or ask "why me." She simply lived each day to the fullest and looked to the future with hope and optimism.   

Not so deep is the cynical, pessimistic me. She is way too serious & often forgets how to laugh. She found out the hard way that not everyone deserves to be trusted & loved unconditionally & that sometimes things are out of your control; that unfortunately situations & events can sometimes irrevocably change you. She is often ruled by fear of the unknown and hates how she feels when she has no control over a situation. She's the version of myself I've clung to the most for the past few decades.

Just under the surface is the me that I truly wish I could be. She is a mixture of the other two. She doesn't let fear or uncertainty hold her back but she also doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses. Instead she draws strength and courage from her past experiences, both good and bad, and does everying within her power to realize her dreams while keeping her feet firmly planted on the ground. This version of me is fighting tooth and nail to break free.

I look forward to the day when I can finally embrace my true self and I no longer feel like I am constantly trying to outrun my past. 

I'm Movin' On

Ever experience a moment when you're driving home, listening to a familiar song and suddenly you burst into tears because the song has taken on a whole new meaning for you? Yeah, that happened just now. I am a huge Rascal Flatts fan and have always loved the song I'm Moving On. Ever since my Father died a few years ago, I've associated that song with him. Today though, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it now applies to me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but its time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

I completely lost it at the 5th verse and could barely see the road through my tears. I have come so far and grown so much in the last year. Being back in the place where Maddie and Mason were born, and Maddie lost the fight, has forced me to face my grief and work through it. 

I will NEVER forget her or stop missing her and wishing she was still here with us, but I know that Maddie would not want me to live in the past. She wouldn't want me blame myself for her and Mason being born extremely premature or for her death. I know without a doubt that she would want me to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every single second I have with Mason and Jackson. 

My sweet baby girl taught me SO much in her short three months on this Earth and she continues to do so even eight years after her death. Yesterday afternoon, we went to Chili's for an early Mother's Day dinner. Our waitress was named Maddie. I believe it was my precious daughter's way of letting me know she was with me and not to be sad. Just about an hour or so earlier, I had commented on a friend's Facebook status about how the holiday was difficult for me due to missing my Mother and Maddie. 

I truly believe that song taking on new meaning for me today was yet another message from her. Maddie was encouraging me to stop living in the past and letting the years pass me by. She's letting me know that it's time to forgive myself and finally move on.

Home Is Where the Heart Is . . .

There are two well known sayings concerning home:

Home is where the heart is.

You can never go back home again.

I can attest to both. 

Over the course of the last 20 years, we've moved quite a bit. Granted, some of those moves were within the same city, i.e. when we lived in Texas, we moved from an apartment to base housing and then to the first house we bought. When we left after 3.5 years, it was hard to say goodbye to the friends we had made but we were looking forward to a new adventure. Thankfully when we moved to Louisiana we lived in the same house the entire time. It was the longest we had stayed in one place since we graduated college. We made so many amazing friends throughout the course of those 5 years. We also were changed irrevocably when we finally became parents after struggling for over 7 years to start a family. Leaving was extremely hard; neither of us were impressed with the prospect of Nebraska. 

I knew absolutely nothing about the Midwest and found myself constantly comparing it to Louisiana. It took a while, but once again we were fortunate enough to make some amazing friends. It never really quite felt like it was "home" though. I'm sure that was in part due to the fact that we lived in 3 different houses over the course of our 7 years there too; base housing, the house we rented and the house we bought. It occurred to me tonight though that it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was afraid of opening myself up; that doing so would have been like cheating on the friends we had left behind. I was afraid that if I let too many people in or became too close with them that it would be like forgetting or replacing all those we loved from our time in Louisiana.

Now that we're back in Louisiana, it doesn't quite feel like "home" anymore either. It's not the same place it was back then and we aren't the same people. I considered this my second home for so long and I have SO many memories of our close friends that we met while here the first time, all of which we now consider family. Many of them moved either shortly before or after we did though. We've made some new friends in the short time we've been back but one of them is already moving this summer which totally sucks! I find myself missing our friends in Nebraska too, who also became more like family to us, and I fear I'm once again holding back from forming new close friendships  It is so hard to feel like you're "home" when you're either constantly leaving those you love behind or being left behind by them. 

I'd like to say that Louisiana will become our permanent "home" but there's no guarantee and we'll likely be moving again in a few years. Once again, we'll be leaving behind those we love and having to start over in a new town and open ourselves up for new friendships. Yes, home is where the heart is but it's not that simple when your heart is scattered all over the country/world. 

Twins, Twins, EVERYWHERE!!

Lately, it seems like I'm being bombarded with twins. There was a set of baby boy/girl twins at the doctor's office the other day, and I know several people who are currently pregnant with twins or just recently gave birth to them within the past year.  Each time someone makes an announcement on Facebook, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous, that's because I am!! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for these families but at the same time I feel cheated, not only for Shane and I but more importantly for Mason.

Shane and I were mentally, emotionally and physically preparing to raise twins. I bought two car seats and a double stroller about a month before I wound up in the hospital on bed rest. We ordered two cribs and had two bedding sets and a ton of gender neutral clothes so we'd have plenty for two babies. We painted the nursery and had it just about all set up minus the cribs (which hadn't arrived yet) shortly before Maddie took a turn for the worse. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, or should I say nightmares, that we would leave the hospital with only one of our precious babies.

The day after Maddie died, Shane and I took the bedding set we had picked out for her back to Burlington. I kept the matching receiving blankets because I just couldn't bear to return them. We kept several of the girly outfits and onesies we had gotten for her too. Returning the extra car seat and double stroller was the worst. I had gotten it from Target and it was past the 90 day return period so the store manager wouldn't do a return. We tried to explain to her why we were returning it, but she didn't seem to care. Thankfully, the woman who was actually working the customer service desk dialed corporate for us and asked Shane to explain the situation to them. They told  him to just leave the stroller and extra car seat at the store and they would send us a gift card for the amount.

I remember several sets of twins who came and went from the NICU after we lost Maddie. Most of them were only there for a few days or maybe a week or two. More often than not, they were able to sleep in the same isolette too. It was pure torture when I went to visit Mason and I had to sit there and watch those other parents getting to hold, feed and bathe both of their babies. They were blissfully ignorant of the pain and anguish our family was enduring.

Maybe it was seeing that set of twins at the doc's office the other day, or being blindsided when I discovered yesterday via Facebook that yet another friend is expecting twins, or the fact that Maddie and Mason's birthday is less than 2 weeks away, but I'm really struggling right now. I want to know why? What did we do to deserve to only get 3 short months with our sweet baby girl? What makes all those other families so special that they get to raise both of their babies?  Why do their children get to grow up with their twin while Mason was robbed of his?

I know I'm not supposed to question it but it's impossible not to. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Maddie and wish I could go back in time and change things. I would give anything to be able to carry them to term, or even for 10 more weeks, so they would have had a better chance at survival and a normal life. I was willing to stay upside down in that hospital bed for the remainder of my pregnancy and would have gladly done so. I never complained about it for a second. In fact, one of my doc's was so amazed by it that he called me Sunshine. I just wanted to do whatever was necessary for my precious cargo.

I hate that Maddie won't be here to celebrate their 8th birthday with Mason in a little under two weeks. I hate that despite us talking about her and trying to keep her memory alive, it seems like he's forgotten her. I hate that many of our friends and family seem to have forgotten her as well. I hate that I feel like my memories of her are slipping away too. I just want my sweet baby girl back; for her to be here with us and for us to have the happily ever after ending like those other families from the NICU.