Monday, August 3, 2015

My Multiple Personalities

Shane often jokes that I have multiple personalities. He'll say things like "all three of you" or "which one of you?" when referring to me. He calls it being "personality friendly." It occurred to me that in a sense, he's right. 

There are in fact, three versions of me. The me I used to be, the me I have become and the me I wish I could be.  

Buried deep within is the naive, optimistic young girl/woman I once was long ago. She had a sense of humor and loved to make others laugh. She trusted and loved unconditionally & only saw the good in people & situations. She hadn't experienced profound loss or heartache and didn't dwell on the "what ifs" or ask "why me." She simply lived each day to the fullest and looked to the future with hope and optimism.   

Not so deep is the cynical, pessimistic me. She is way too serious & often forgets how to laugh. She found out the hard way that not everyone deserves to be trusted & loved unconditionally & that sometimes things are out of your control; that unfortunately situations & events can sometimes irrevocably change you. She is often ruled by fear of the unknown and hates how she feels when she has no control over a situation. She's the version of myself I've clung to the most for the past few decades.

Just under the surface is the me that I truly wish I could be. She is a mixture of the other two. She doesn't let fear or uncertainty hold her back but she also doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses. Instead she draws strength and courage from her past experiences, both good and bad, and does everying within her power to realize her dreams while keeping her feet firmly planted on the ground. This version of me is fighting tooth and nail to break free.

I look forward to the day when I can finally embrace my true self and I no longer feel like I am constantly trying to outrun my past. 

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