Monday, March 18, 2013

Growing In Our Hearts

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single moment,
you didn't grow under my heart but in it.

I'm sure a lot of people think I'm a bit nuts, but I firmly believe that our dreams are more than just our subconscious working through the issues we face in our daily lives.  I believe that sometimes our dreams are glimpses into the future.  I am pretty sure I had just such a dream the other night.

For the past several years, I have had recurring dreams about a baby girl.  I am pretty confident these dreams were my mind's way of working through my feelings surrounding our daughter Madelynn's death.  The other night, however, I had a dream about twin boys.  The dream was extremely vivid and I still remember it quite clearly.  Mason and I went to the hospital  to meet the birth mother who had chosen us, as well as the babies as they had already been born.  Shane was on his way from work and was going to meet us there.  I took a wrong turn and got lost along the way and  I had to stop and ask for directions. I can still picture the street signs in my mind, although the only detail I remember is that the number 600 was in the address of the hospital. It was either early Spring or late Fall because Mason and I were both wearing coats. When we got there, we went straight to the birth mother's hospital room.  As we rounded the corner and headed towards her room, a male nurse was coming out with the babies in one of those little hospital cribs.  He was taking them back to the nursery.  I can still picture them both vividly.  They were biracial and they were sleeping peacefully facing each other.  We went into the room to meet the birth mother.  I can still picture her vividly as well. Her coloring led me to believe that she was of Hispanic decent and her hair was cut in a cute pixie hair style.  She introduced herself and I remember her name was long; she had 4 names and one of them was Theresa. She was in her late 20s or early 30s and was very sweet. She was taken with Mason and started asking him questions about his iPad.

I woke up from this dream at about 5 in the morning and wasn't able to go back to sleep.  It was just so real!!  Call it women's intuition or whatever you want to, but ever since we began the adoption journey, I have had a strong feeling that we will be adopting a biracial child. We are 100% open to it and have been from day one.  I told Shane about my dream as soon as he woke up.  Over the past 6 months, I've asked him how he would feel if we were chosen to adopt twins, but he hasn't really considered that it might be a possibility. When I asked him again the other morning after telling him about my dream, he seemed to have more of an open mind. I know some will probably think I am just getting my hopes up, but I am choosing to take this dream as a sign.  I can't say for sure that every detail will come true, but I know that we are VERY open to the possibility.

Our future child(ren) is most definitely growing in our hearts and we are anxiously awaiting their arrival!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Big Brother in Training

Mason is SO ready to be a big brother. Every time we are out and about, he is drawn to any and all of the babies that he sees. If we go somewhere that he is able to interact with other children, he gravitates towards the younger ones instead of those his own age or older. For some reason, he just feels more comfortable around them and gets along with them better than his peers.

In the last few days, I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of how Mason will be with his future baby brother or sister. Yesterday, when we were at the gym, there were two toddlers sitting in a round play mat. Some older children were jumping off a piece of play equipment into the mat and landing on the toddlers. Understandably, the toddlers were frightened and upset. I tried to get the older children to stop jumping but they wouldn't listen to me since they didn't know me. After a few minutes, they got tired of the jumping and went to play elsewhere. One of the mothers came to get her son and consoled him and then put him in a safer place. The other toddler, a little girl, had crawled up onto the play equipment to get away from the older kids. She was crying but her mother must not have been able to hear her. She climbed down after a few minutes and went back to the play mat. Mason went over and got a book that was laying on the floor and gave it to her. He knew she was upset and wanted to cheer her up.

During today's visit to the gym there were several children Mason's age as well as a baby who looked to be about 10 or 11 months old. There was a ball that Mason had remembered from our trip to the gym yesterday and he went right for it. Before he got to it though, the baby found it. Mason came over to me and told me he wanted to play with the ball. I told him he had to share. At that point, the baby bounced the ball and it rolled to the other side of the enclosure. Mason went and got the ball and took it right back to the baby. The baby didn't take it at first so Mason took his hands and put them on the ball so the baby would have to take it. He came over to me immediately after to be sure that I had seen him sharing. I made it a point to tell him, "Good sharing!!" For the next 10-15 minutes, the baby bounced the ball and Mason went and got it. Each time he brought it back, he gently placed it in the baby's hands. Watching the two of them interact was just so cute!! I tried to get a picture but the play equipment seemed to always block my shot.

As I watched him with that baby boy today, I felt like I was getting a glimpse of the near future and I couldn't help but tear up. I have always known that Mason would be an absolutely phenomenal big brother, but the last few days have confirmed it for me. He is so gentle and has such a big heart. He's already a great helper too. I'm sure he's going to be eager to help with feedings and diaper changes and he'll probably want to read bed time stories to the baby too. I can't wait until we are able to bring Mason's baby brother or sister home and officially make him the big brother that he desperately longs to be!!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Trials and Tribulations

It has occurred to me recently that it is somewhat taboo to share your trials and tribulations. Most people keep things private and look down upon others who don't do the same. In my humble opinion, it is essential to share not only the joys in life, but also the hardships. So many people nowadays feel isolated or alone. It's no wonder when they feel like they shouldn't express their sadness or frustration or anger about life circumstances. By sharing the bad times, as well as the good, you may be helping someone feel a little less alone.

I realize not everyone is comfortable sharing their personal feelings or thoughts about experiences. At the same time, those that are comfortable should not be ridiculed for doing so. My husband and I have had our fair share of hardships; some might even say we've surpassed our quota. Our experiences include battling cancer, the death of more than one parent, infertility, high risk pregnancy, preterm delivery of twins, the NICU, the death of a child, the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder in our surviving child, the loss of a career, and the journey of adoption just to name a few. We have shared all of these experiences with family and friends through social media and blogs. It was the easiest way to keep everyone informed because we are all scattered across the county.

I know to some it may seem like by sharing our personal struggles we are simply trying to gain attention. That is most definitely not the case. I have always been a very emotional person, and as such, have openly shared my thoughts and feelings regarding all of the above mentioned circumstances. I'm sure often times I have made people uncomfortable with my openness, but that has never been my intention. I firmly believe that by sharing the pain I have experienced, I may in some way spare someone else from having to endure the same, or at the very least help them to better prepare. In many cases, my goal is to simply help someone feel a little less alone.

Several of the hardships we have endured are taboo subjects in and of themselves. Not many people are comfortable talking about infertility, the death of a child or autism. People who have not encountered any of the three simply can't fathom what it must be like; however, for those of us who have, it's important to know that we're not alone. When we first began our struggles with infertility, I kept the details to myself. After a few years though, I realized how important it was to share such personal information. Since I began openly sharing our struggle to start a family, I have had several friends and acquaintances confide in me and ask me for advice. They knew I would understand better than their family members and friends who couldn't identify with what they were going through. Unfortunately, I have met far too many people who have experienced the death of a child or are raising a child on the spectrum. We are members of exclusive clubs and we would do anything in our power to be able to spare someone the heartache that we endure on a daily basis. We share our experiences as a way to educate others and to try to break down the barriers that make such subjects taboo in the first place.

Life is not all sunshine and roses. While it is important to acknowledge the joys in life, it is equally important to acknowledge the trials and tribulations. After all, it is the hardships in life that put our strength and character to the test, and help us reach our full potential. We all should feel free to share our experiences, whether they be good or bad, with whomever we choose to do so without the fear of being called a drama queen. Life and death, and all that comes between, surrounds us and we should take the time to not only experience what God has planned for us, but to learn about others' experiences as well. Only in doing so will we truly live our lives to the fullest and be able to encourage, support and empathize with others.

I for one plan to continue to share my joys AND my trials and tribulations, despite the fact that I'm certain some people consider me a drama queen or an attention whore. I don't share my experiences to gain attention or sympathy, I do so in the hopes that I can help others. If I am able to help even one person feel less alone, then I have accomplished my goal.