Friday, November 14, 2014

Silence is Golden

This post has been a long time coming and I'll warn you, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. No doubt, some of what I am about to say is going to upset a few people, but frankly, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people belittling my hopes and dreams and feelings and I simply can't bite my tongue any longer.

Infertility SUCKS! Wanting more than anything to have children and not being able to is excruciating. Unless you've experienced it and you know how heartbreaking it can be, please just keep your opinions, comments and most importantly, advice to yourself!

I can't tell you how many times we were told to just relax and it would happen. Just about every one of the people who said this knew both mine and Shane's medical history and that without medical intervention, there was simply no way we would ever conceive. Some of the same people told us once we moved on to adoption and brought JT home that we would probably wind up pregnant. Newsflash, adoption does NOT cure infertility!! While that ship has sailed and we have no intention of seeking fertility treatments again, I find myself once again feeling like people are dismissing our dream of growing our family through a second adoption.

I've had countless people tell me we should just be content with the children we have; that if we aren't able to adopt a baby girl, it's okay. Let me just say, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!! Who are you to tell us that we should give up on a dream? Who are you to decide whether or not we are done growing our family?  It's easy for some to tell us we should be grateful for the children we have when they have absolutely no trouble conceiving and have uneventful, healthy pregnancies. We deserve to have as many children as we feel we are capable of caring for just as much as everyone else does.

Furthermore, for those who feel like it is wrong for us to want a girl, you can stick your opinion where the sun doesn't shine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us wanting to give Mason and JT a baby sister. It doesn't mean we love Mason or JT any less or that they aren't good enough because neither of them is a girl. We LOVE our SONS and couldn't imagine our lives without them nor would we want to. That being said, both Shane and I deserve the chance to experience the things that go hand-in-hand with raising a daughter if that's what our hearts desire.

I long for a mother-daughter bond; to be able to do the things with our little girl that I've watched so many of my girlfriends and family members do with their daughters. I can't even begin to put into words how hard it is for me some days to see the many posts on FB about various things they all get to do with their daughters. Some days, it feels like I'm repeatedly being punched in the stomach. I was very close with my mother too and I miss the uniqueness of that relationship. As much as I love my boys, I can't have the same relationship with them that I could with a daughter. Shane deserves to be able to have a father-daughter bond as well; to be wrapped around his baby girl's little finger and spoil her to his heart's content. To some day walk her down the isle.

We were robbed of the chance to experience any of these things with Maddie, and while I'm sure some will think we are trying to replace her, I assure you that couldn't be further from the truth. Maddie can NEVER be replaced, (and neither can Chloe or Hudson) but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us wanting the chance to raise a daughter. Our dreams are just as valid as anyone else's and we deserve to pursue them just as much as anyone else does. Telling us to be content with the children we have and to cherish them is a slap in the face. We know all too well just how precious both of our boys are and we don't take one second with them for granted because unfortunately, we've experienced every parent's worst nightmare.

I have had several people, including our adoption attorney, tell me that I need a little girl. They could all see how much I long for one and they didn't judge me for it or think I was being greedy in wanting more children. The next time you start to tell someone they should be content with the children they have, or that they should simply accept that they may not be able to grow their family when they want more anything to be able to do exactly that, maybe you should stop and think. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your dream or told you you shouldn't pursue it? Not every situation requires you to give your opinion or supply unsolicited advice. Sometimes it's okay to simply listen and be supportive. If you can't do that, then please just keep your thoughts to yourself because you never know how deeply an innocent comment can hurt someone who's heart is already broken.



P.S. This is not directed at anyone in particular as I have had NUMEROUS people tell me these things over the last decade or more. I read a post pertaining to infertility and the things people feel compelled to tell couples who are struggling with growing their families and I saw a lot of parallels to our situation as well. As I said, this post has been a long time coming. I started writing it in September but I never finished it. Due to our current situation and a few conversations I've had with friends and family recently, I just felt it was time to get it off my chest once and for all.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Jumping Through Hoops

Adoption is a blessing beyond measure; however, just like anything else in life that's worthwhile, it's not easy. The entire adoption process itself is stressful beyond belief. From the home study, to waiting to be chosen by birth parents, then sitting on pins and needles to see if the match will actually result in a placement, the stress is almost monumental. In addition to that, you have to worry about things like the level of openness you desire, what kind of relationship you'd like to build with the birth parents and how and when you're going to share your child's birth story with him/her . If you're one of the lucky couples, everything falls into place and the wait is more than worth it when you finally get to bring that bouncing baby home. 

Then you realize that you still have countless hoops to jump through.

There are so many things that other couples take for granted that an adoptive couple simply can't.  The list is probably extensive, but for our family the immediate concerns are bonding, relocation and preparing to adopt once more. 

Bonding is generally easier for "normal" couples as they are able to do so with each other and the baby throughout the pregnancy. It's not as natural for an adoptive couple because they aren't able to experience the pregnancy first hand or get to know the baby's personality while he/she is still in the womb. While they can share their excitement about the baby with friends and family like a "normal' couple, they tend to be a bit reserved as there is always the fear in the back of their minds that the match or placement will fall through. Even after you're settled at home with your new bundle of joy, bonding doesn't exactly come easy. 

I couldn't love JT any more if I had given birth to him, but I did struggle a bit with bonding.  The first few weeks after we got home and got back into our routines were the hardest. At random times of the day, I would feel awkward when cuddling or kissing him, like I shouldn't be doing so. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was simply babysitting him and not mothering him. It was an extremely unpleasant and unwelcome feeling. All I kept thinking was that we had finally completed a year and a half long journey and I just wanted to enjoy our sweet baby boy.  Thankfully, those feelings have subsided and I no longer feel like JT's babysitter. I am his Mommy and he knows the sound of my voice and recognizes my face. When he smiles at me, my heart melts!  

Our current concern involves a possible relocation in the near future. Shane applied for a career broadening position a few months ago. We really weren't expecting anything to come of it but we knew he had to apply or we'd always wonder "what if."  As it turns out, they are interested in him and we are just waiting on an official job offer now. While we are excited about the opportunity it presents for our family's future, there are a few adoption-related obstacles we'll have to deal with in order to move. We'll have to go through the ICPC process all over again and once we're settled, we'll have to do another home study. We can't finalize JT's adoption here until he's been in our home for 6 months. There's a good chance that we'll be moving before that so we'll basically have to start from scratch in the new state. We won't be able to finalize there either until JT's a year which kind of stinks since we'd only have to wait 3 more months here. The one positive thing about having to redo our home study is that it's valid for 2 years in the new state whereas it's only good for 1 year here. It will be one less hoop we have to jump through when we're ready to start the adoption process for Mason and JT's baby sister. 

Preparing to adopt again is probably our biggest hurdle.  Unlike a typical couple whose biggest hurdles are making the decision to grow their family and how far apart in age they would prefer their children to be, it's a bit more complicated for us. As I blogged about in a previous post, adoption can be quite expensive. We've already begun saving, and with any luck the adoption tax credit will once again be made refundable which would allow us to adopt a baby girl sooner rather than later. If not though, it will be a while before we have the funds to move forward. Once again, we'll have to play the waiting game and hope and pray that we are chosen by a couple as fabulous as M & A. I know in my heart that if it's meant to be, it will all work out. Afterall, JT wouldn't be here with us otherwise! 

I guess we're just so good at jumping through hoops that God decided to throw a few more at us to keep us on our toes. I'll gladly continue to jump through them if it means we get to enjoy watching our boys grow and add a bouncing baby girl to our family as well :D


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Worth the Wait

We found out at the end of January that we'd be meeting JT a few weeks early.  M started going for twice weekly NSTs around her 34th week and JT wasn't exactly cooperative for them.  Due to that as well as some health concerns, her doc ordered a level 2 ultrasound to be done at 36 weeks. Based on the results, it was suspected that JT was IUGR (intraunterine growth restriction). He was estimated to be 5 lb 7 oz and his tummy was measuring small as well. As a result of the IUGR and the fact that he was breech, M was scheduled for a c-section at 38 weeks.

I had already had the majority of JT's things packed and had slowly started to compile a list of things Shane, Mason and I would need. Once the c-section was scheduled though, I went into full on panic mode!! I started nesting like crazy and barely slept. The next 2 weeks went by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time to leave.

We left home on the 10th to be there in time for the delivery on the 13th. We were supposed to stay with Shane's sister but we were pretty tired by the time we got to the outskirts of Nashville. We decided to get a hotel room for the night and were going to try to meet Jen for breakfast in Chattanooga the following morning. While grabbing dinner, we discovered through a friend's post on Facebook that there was a nasty winter storm moving across the south right along the route we needed to travel.  We went to our room and checked out more info on the storm on Weather.com.  After staying in the hotel for only 3 hours, we decided we had better repack the truck and get back on the road again. We were afraid if we didn't leave by midnight, that we would never make it on time and would wind up stranded on the highway somewhere in the middle of the ice storm.  While Shane drove, I was continually monitoring the storm as well as our route. We managed to stay about 20 minutes ahead of it the entire way and once we got to FL we were in the clear. It's a good thing we followed our instincts because we likely wouldn't have made it out of GA otherwise!

We got to FL late in the afternoon on the evening of the 11th. M and I were texting back and forth as we finished up the drive. She had an ultrasound that afternoon at the hospital and found out that JT had finally decided to cooperate and flip. The c-section was canceled since he was no longer breech. There was some confusion as to whether or not the doctor planned to proceed with an induction or if M was going to be allowed to go to term.  She had another appointment scheduled for the morning of the 12th to finalize things for the 13th and she invited me to go with her.  We met M and A at the doctor's office the next morning which incidentally was the first time we got to meet A in person. Shane was wearing his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt which was ironic because A had wanted to wear his that day also but hadn't been able to find it. We talked for a few minutes before A had to leave to go to work and M and I headed into for her appointment. We waited in the waiting room for a little over 2 hours before a nurse came to tell us that the doctor had been called away for an emergency delivery.  She said M could be seen later that afternoon if she was willing to come back so we went and got Shane and Mason and headed to lunch. We had to wait another hour or so when we got back to the doctor's office and then M had to do another NST and ultrasound.  After talking with 2 separate doctors, the plan was to proceed with an induction. By that time it was already after 4 and M had to report to the hospital at 8:30 that night to start the induction process.  We headed to the mall and met A and we all had dinner together before they headed to the hospital.  At about 9, M texted me and told me that if I wanted to I could come and spend the night there with her.  Shane dropped me off and A was gracious enough to allow me to wear the second hospital bracelet.  He went home that night and I slept on the lovely pull out couch that is a fixture in most labor and delivery rooms.

Around midnight they began the first phase of the induction process.  The next morning around 8 am the pitocin was started. They slowly increased the drip throughout the day. They would have increased it a bit faster but the doc was being pulled in a million different directions as there were multiple patients in labor and delivery that day. The monitor wasn't picking up M's contractions very well so they had to proceed slowly. The doc broke free long enough to break her water around 1 and then was off and running again. I felt so bad for M as the day progressed and her contractions got worse. She wasn't able to get an epidural until late afternoon because the anesthesiologist was just as busy as the doc. Once the epidural was done, they decided to place internal monitors to better track the contractions.  As soon as they were able to monitor the contractions better, they steadily increased the drip and things started moving pretty fast. 

JT was born at 6:56 pm weighing 6 lb 4 oz and measuring 20 in long.  I can't even begin to put into words the mix of emotions I was feeling as I witnessed the miracle of his birth.  I'm not 100% sure but I suspect that the cord might have been wrapped around his neck because he looked a little blue when he emerged.  The doc suctioned his nose and mouth and he began to cry. It was immediately obvious that the little munchkin had a good set of lungs!! The doc asked if anyone wanted to cut the cord and A immediately deferred to me. The doc handed him over to the nurse afterwards and she asked if anyone wanted to take pictures. I looked to M and A, but A was not about to leave M's side as the doc was still tending to her.  I felt like an outsider but I didn't want any of us to miss JT's first moments, no matter what the ultimate outcome was in a few days.  I snapped a few pics and quickly texted them to Shane as the nurse took JT to the warmer and began wiping him down, taking his measurements and his prints.  I took a few more pics and then just stood there in awe.  I kept looking from him to M and A and the look on A's face as he watched his son literally broke my heart.  The nurse then asked if anyone wanted to hold him and again A deferred to me saying, "Let his new Mommy hold him."


Getting to hold him for the first time when he was merely a few minutes old was simply amazing.  I texted Shane to tell him and his response was, "Must be nice." I told him to grab Mason and head to the hospital so he could meet JT. He got there about half an hour later and I went downstairs to wait with Mason while Shane went up to the room as kids under 10 weren't allowed in the patient rooms.

Not long afterwards, I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't control the tears so I took Mason into the bathroom and just stood there bawling my eyes out!  I was ecstatic that JT was finally here and beyond thrilled that our prayers had been answered for a safe delivery for both he and M.  I was also feeling extremely guilty that M & A weren't going to get to raise the miracle they had created together; that they had to experience a great loss in order for us to complete our family.  Shane had come back down while I was in the bathroom because they were moving M to the postpartum floor and had taken JT to the nursery to monitor him for a bit because he was grunting a lot.  He called me because he couldn't find me.  I told him that I was in the bathroom trying to collect myself.  He said that M & A had been worried about me. Apparently when JT was born, it was obvious that I was overwhelmed with emotion and feeling several different things at once. They told Shane that they weren't sure what I was going to do. The fact that they were worried about me is proof that they are remarkable people.

I was prepared to go back to the hotel with Shane and Mason that night, but once again A was generous beyond belief and allowed me to stay with M. They also gave me the other hospital bracelet for JT which meant I was the only other person allowed to care for him and be alone with him besides M.  JT stayed in the room with us for the most part except when they took him back to the nursery for a bath and to check his blood sugar before feedings. I took care of the majority of his feedings so M could sleep. She obviously needed it much more than I did! The next morning Shane and Mason came to get me and we spent a few hours at the hotel before going back to the hospital.  When we got back S (the adoption professional) was there visiting. I sent Shane up first and stayed in the cafeteria with Mason. A few minutes afterwards Shane texted me and told me to just bring Mason up, that S said it was okay because he was a sibling.  I took him up and he got to meet JT for the first time and hold him.  Seeing the two of them together took my breath away!! We spent several hours there and  then we left for the night. M would have been fine with me staying the night again but I wanted to give her time alone with JT.



The next morning we went back to the hospital bright and early as I had to be there by 10 for the discharge class. It was so bizarre being the only person in the room without a spouse as well as the only one without a baby.  Afterwards, we just hung out with M & A and waited for S to come so papers could be signed. She got there around 2 and Shane, Mason and I waited in the outer hallway while they signed. Once again I was feeling a mix of emotions. Adoption most definitely is NOT for the faint of heart!!

After everything was signed, M & A left the hospital as she had already been discharged. S had to go to the nursery and finish up some things there for JT and then we had to sign our portion of the papers.  One of the nurses had to carry JT outside the hospital and then give him to S who then handed him to us. We all thought it was kind of ridiculous but it was hospital policy.  S handed him to me and I put him in his car seat while Shane pulled the truck around. M & A had waited for us and she came over to give me a hug before leaving and we made arrangements to meet for lunch the next day. As we drove away from the hospital, I was overcome with joy. This little person that we'd waited years to finally meet was finally here and going home with us, even if it was to a hotel room.



There hasn't been a dull moment since then but I wouldn't trade it for the world. JT was more than worth the wait!!