Some days, I feel like I'm living someone else's life; or more accurately, an entirely different lifetime.
Very few things in my life have unfolded the way I had anticipated. I wasn't supposed to lose my mother in my early twenties, or my father and Vin within months of each other in my early thirties. I wasn't supposed to be blessed with the miracle of twins only to have to fight tooth and nail to stay pregnant long enough for them to survive, and then have to say goodbye to my daughter just a few short months after saying hello. I wasn't supposed to be raising my son as a twinless twin, or watching him struggle daily to overcome the effects of being born so prematurely. I wasn't supposed to live in constant fear that he will never be able to live the life he was meant to due to being on the spectrum. I wasn't supposed to deal with all of this profound loss and heartache while living thousands of miles away from my siblings and extended family, and nearest and dearest friends.
Some days, I truly feel like I have lost myself. I feel disconnected from my past and who I was, and who I had hoped to be. I feel isolated from, and forgotten by family and friends. I feel as if I am suspended between who I once was, and who I have become. It's almost as if my life has been split in two, "before" and "after." I am not the person I once was, nor will I ever be again. More often than not, I find myself struggling to let go of people and places from my past. They no longer serve a purpose in my life, but I hold on for dear life out of fear and habit.
Somehow, someway, I need to find the strength and courage to let go and move on. It won't be easy since it will mean letting go of people I have known practically my entire life, but I am tired of being jealous and bitter on a daily basis when I scroll through my News Feed. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere, or like people are uncomfortable just being around me. I'm tired of second-guessing the things I say and feel and do. I am tired of living in my own shadow.
It is time for me to accept this life I was given, even if it wasn't what I had planned. It is time for me to be the woman, and wife and mother that my life has shaped me to be, and no longer worry about those who can't/won't accept me for who I am. It is time for me to make the most of what's left of this lifetime, and learn to live each day to the fullest. I don't want to look back in fifty or sixty years and regret wasting any more of the precious time I have with Shane and our miraculous children. It is time for me to embrace the "after!"