Bittersweet Memories

Yesterday was my son Mason's 5th birthday. It should also have been his twin sister Madelynn's 5th birthday. I am so proud of my little man and am in awe of how far he's come. He truly amazes me on a daily basis and I honestly fall more in love with him each and every day. As blessed as I feel to have such an amazing son, I wish with all my heart that his sister was here to grow up by his side.

I can't help but wonder how different our lives would be if she was still here with us. Shane often says that Madelynn would be the one to lead Mason into all sorts of mischief. I tend to agree with him. We definitely got to know her personality in the 3 short months that we had with her and she was a firecracker!!

I often wonder what color her hair and eyes would have been. When the twins were born they were both covered in lanugo that was strawberry blonde in color. As they got bigger though, the hair on their heads darkened. We do have a couple locks of Madelynn's hair, one that was taken when she had a catheter placed to drain the excess fluid from her brain due to her brain bleed, and one that was taken after she passed away. Both seem dark brown, almost black to me but Shane insists that she would have been a redhead. Her eyes were still blue when she passed away but I often wonder if they would be hazel like her brother's or brown like mine. I wonder what her smile would look like or what her laugh would sound like. Sometimes as I'm watching Mason play, I have "flashes" of him and Madelynn together. I wish that I could make those "flashes" a reality.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her or ache to hold her in my arms but their birthday is definitely bittersweet. While I am extremely grateful to be able to celebrate Mason, I'm also saddened by his sister's absence. I know she is watching over him though and that she was here with us in spirit as we celebrated his birthday yesterday.

I hope some day Mason is able to understand what an important part of our family Madelynn was and always will be. He mentions her often, but today when we looked at her scrapbook he wasn't as engaged as he has been in the past. I've always felt that somehow Madelynn and Mason managed to retain that mysterious twin connection despite her death, but for the first time today I wonder if it was just my wishful thinking. I guess I should be thankful that he is oblivious right now. He doesn't have to endure the heartache that Shane and I do on a daily basis.