I'm Movin' On

Ever experience a moment when you're driving home, listening to a familiar song and suddenly you burst into tears because the song has taken on a whole new meaning for you? Yeah, that happened just now. I am a huge Rascal Flatts fan and have always loved the song I'm Moving On. Ever since my Father died a few years ago, I've associated that song with him. Today though, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it now applies to me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but its time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

I completely lost it at the 5th verse and could barely see the road through my tears. I have come so far and grown so much in the last year. Being back in the place where Maddie and Mason were born, and Maddie lost the fight, has forced me to face my grief and work through it. 

I will NEVER forget her or stop missing her and wishing she was still here with us, but I know that Maddie would not want me to live in the past. She wouldn't want me blame myself for her and Mason being born extremely premature or for her death. I know without a doubt that she would want me to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every single second I have with Mason and Jackson. 

My sweet baby girl taught me SO much in her short three months on this Earth and she continues to do so even eight years after her death. Yesterday afternoon, we went to Chili's for an early Mother's Day dinner. Our waitress was named Maddie. I believe it was my precious daughter's way of letting me know she was with me and not to be sad. Just about an hour or so earlier, I had commented on a friend's Facebook status about how the holiday was difficult for me due to missing my Mother and Maddie. 

I truly believe that song taking on new meaning for me today was yet another message from her. Maddie was encouraging me to stop living in the past and letting the years pass me by. She's letting me know that it's time to forgive myself and finally move on.

Home Is Where the Heart Is . . .

There are two well known sayings concerning home:

Home is where the heart is.

You can never go back home again.

I can attest to both. 

Over the course of the last 20 years, we've moved quite a bit. Granted, some of those moves were within the same city, i.e. when we lived in Texas, we moved from an apartment to base housing and then to the first house we bought. When we left after 3.5 years, it was hard to say goodbye to the friends we had made but we were looking forward to a new adventure. Thankfully when we moved to Louisiana we lived in the same house the entire time. It was the longest we had stayed in one place since we graduated college. We made so many amazing friends throughout the course of those 5 years. We also were changed irrevocably when we finally became parents after struggling for over 7 years to start a family. Leaving was extremely hard; neither of us were impressed with the prospect of Nebraska. 

I knew absolutely nothing about the Midwest and found myself constantly comparing it to Louisiana. It took a while, but once again we were fortunate enough to make some amazing friends. It never really quite felt like it was "home" though. I'm sure that was in part due to the fact that we lived in 3 different houses over the course of our 7 years there too; base housing, the house we rented and the house we bought. It occurred to me tonight though that it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was afraid of opening myself up; that doing so would have been like cheating on the friends we had left behind. I was afraid that if I let too many people in or became too close with them that it would be like forgetting or replacing all those we loved from our time in Louisiana.

Now that we're back in Louisiana, it doesn't quite feel like "home" anymore either. It's not the same place it was back then and we aren't the same people. I considered this my second home for so long and I have SO many memories of our close friends that we met while here the first time, all of which we now consider family. Many of them moved either shortly before or after we did though. We've made some new friends in the short time we've been back but one of them is already moving this summer which totally sucks! I find myself missing our friends in Nebraska too, who also became more like family to us, and I fear I'm once again holding back from forming new close friendships  It is so hard to feel like you're "home" when you're either constantly leaving those you love behind or being left behind by them. 

I'd like to say that Louisiana will become our permanent "home" but there's no guarantee and we'll likely be moving again in a few years. Once again, we'll be leaving behind those we love and having to start over in a new town and open ourselves up for new friendships. Yes, home is where the heart is but it's not that simple when your heart is scattered all over the country/world. 

Twins, Twins, EVERYWHERE!!

Lately, it seems like I'm being bombarded with twins. There was a set of baby boy/girl twins at the doctor's office the other day, and I know several people who are currently pregnant with twins or just recently gave birth to them within the past year.  Each time someone makes an announcement on Facebook, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous, that's because I am!! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for these families but at the same time I feel cheated, not only for Shane and I but more importantly for Mason.

Shane and I were mentally, emotionally and physically preparing to raise twins. I bought two car seats and a double stroller about a month before I wound up in the hospital on bed rest. We ordered two cribs and had two bedding sets and a ton of gender neutral clothes so we'd have plenty for two babies. We painted the nursery and had it just about all set up minus the cribs (which hadn't arrived yet) shortly before Maddie took a turn for the worse. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, or should I say nightmares, that we would leave the hospital with only one of our precious babies.

The day after Maddie died, Shane and I took the bedding set we had picked out for her back to Burlington. I kept the matching receiving blankets because I just couldn't bear to return them. We kept several of the girly outfits and onesies we had gotten for her too. Returning the extra car seat and double stroller was the worst. I had gotten it from Target and it was past the 90 day return period so the store manager wouldn't do a return. We tried to explain to her why we were returning it, but she didn't seem to care. Thankfully, the woman who was actually working the customer service desk dialed corporate for us and asked Shane to explain the situation to them. They told  him to just leave the stroller and extra car seat at the store and they would send us a gift card for the amount.

I remember several sets of twins who came and went from the NICU after we lost Maddie. Most of them were only there for a few days or maybe a week or two. More often than not, they were able to sleep in the same isolette too. It was pure torture when I went to visit Mason and I had to sit there and watch those other parents getting to hold, feed and bathe both of their babies. They were blissfully ignorant of the pain and anguish our family was enduring.

Maybe it was seeing that set of twins at the doc's office the other day, or being blindsided when I discovered yesterday via Facebook that yet another friend is expecting twins, or the fact that Maddie and Mason's birthday is less than 2 weeks away, but I'm really struggling right now. I want to know why? What did we do to deserve to only get 3 short months with our sweet baby girl? What makes all those other families so special that they get to raise both of their babies?  Why do their children get to grow up with their twin while Mason was robbed of his?

I know I'm not supposed to question it but it's impossible not to. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Maddie and wish I could go back in time and change things. I would give anything to be able to carry them to term, or even for 10 more weeks, so they would have had a better chance at survival and a normal life. I was willing to stay upside down in that hospital bed for the remainder of my pregnancy and would have gladly done so. I never complained about it for a second. In fact, one of my doc's was so amazed by it that he called me Sunshine. I just wanted to do whatever was necessary for my precious cargo.

I hate that Maddie won't be here to celebrate their 8th birthday with Mason in a little under two weeks. I hate that despite us talking about her and trying to keep her memory alive, it seems like he's forgotten her. I hate that many of our friends and family seem to have forgotten her as well. I hate that I feel like my memories of her are slipping away too. I just want my sweet baby girl back; for her to be here with us and for us to have the happily ever after ending like those other families from the NICU.

Silence is Golden

This post has been a long time coming and I'll warn you, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. No doubt, some of what I am about to say is going to upset a few people, but frankly, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people belittling my hopes and dreams and feelings and I simply can't bite my tongue any longer.

Infertility SUCKS! Wanting more than anything to have children and not being able to is excruciating. Unless you've experienced it and you know how heartbreaking it can be, please just keep your opinions, comments and most importantly, advice to yourself!

I can't tell you how many times we were told to just relax and it would happen. Just about every one of the people who said this knew both mine and Shane's medical history and that without medical intervention, there was simply no way we would ever conceive. Some of the same people told us once we moved on to adoption and brought JT home that we would probably wind up pregnant. Newsflash, adoption does NOT cure infertility!! While that ship has sailed and we have no intention of seeking fertility treatments again, I find myself once again feeling like people are dismissing our dream of growing our family through a second adoption.

I've had countless people tell me we should just be content with the children we have; that if we aren't able to adopt a baby girl, it's okay. Let me just say, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!! Who are you to tell us that we should give up on a dream? Who are you to decide whether or not we are done growing our family?  It's easy for some to tell us we should be grateful for the children we have when they have absolutely no trouble conceiving and have uneventful, healthy pregnancies. We deserve to have as many children as we feel we are capable of caring for just as much as everyone else does.

Furthermore, for those who feel like it is wrong for us to want a girl, you can stick your opinion where the sun doesn't shine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us wanting to give Mason and JT a baby sister. It doesn't mean we love Mason or JT any less or that they aren't good enough because neither of them is a girl. We LOVE our SONS and couldn't imagine our lives without them nor would we want to. That being said, both Shane and I deserve the chance to experience the things that go hand-in-hand with raising a daughter if that's what our hearts desire.

I long for a mother-daughter bond; to be able to do the things with our little girl that I've watched so many of my girlfriends and family members do with their daughters. I can't even begin to put into words how hard it is for me some days to see the many posts on FB about various things they all get to do with their daughters. Some days, it feels like I'm repeatedly being punched in the stomach. I was very close with my mother too and I miss the uniqueness of that relationship. As much as I love my boys, I can't have the same relationship with them that I could with a daughter. Shane deserves to be able to have a father-daughter bond as well; to be wrapped around his baby girl's little finger and spoil her to his heart's content. To some day walk her down the isle.

We were robbed of the chance to experience any of these things with Maddie, and while I'm sure some will think we are trying to replace her, I assure you that couldn't be further from the truth. Maddie can NEVER be replaced, (and neither can Chloe or Hudson) but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us wanting the chance to raise a daughter. Our dreams are just as valid as anyone else's and we deserve to pursue them just as much as anyone else does. Telling us to be content with the children we have and to cherish them is a slap in the face. We know all too well just how precious both of our boys are and we don't take one second with them for granted because unfortunately, we've experienced every parent's worst nightmare.

I have had several people, including our adoption attorney, tell me that I need a little girl. They could all see how much I long for one and they didn't judge me for it or think I was being greedy in wanting more children. The next time you start to tell someone they should be content with the children they have, or that they should simply accept that they may not be able to grow their family when they want more anything to be able to do exactly that, maybe you should stop and think. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your dream or told you you shouldn't pursue it? Not every situation requires you to give your opinion or supply unsolicited advice. Sometimes it's okay to simply listen and be supportive. If you can't do that, then please just keep your thoughts to yourself because you never know how deeply an innocent comment can hurt someone who's heart is already broken.

P.S. This is not directed at anyone in particular as I have had NUMEROUS people tell me these things over the last decade or more. I read a post pertaining to infertility and the things people feel compelled to tell couples who are struggling with growing their families and I saw a lot of parallels to our situation as well. As I said, this post has been a long time coming. I started writing it in September but I never finished it. Due to our current situation and a few conversations I've had with friends and family recently, I just felt it was time to get it off my chest once and for all.

Jumping Through Hoops

Adoption is a blessing beyond measure; however, just like anything else in life that's worthwhile, it's not easy. The entire adoption process itself is stressful beyond belief. From the home study, to waiting to be chosen by birth parents, then sitting on pins and needles to see if the match will actually result in a placement, the stress is almost monumental. In addition to that, you have to worry about things like the level of openness you desire, what kind of relationship you'd like to build with the birth parents and how and when you're going to share your child's birth story with him/her . If you're one of the lucky couples, everything falls into place and the wait is more than worth it when you finally get to bring that bouncing baby home. 

Then you realize that you still have countless hoops to jump through.

There are so many things that other couples take for granted that an adoptive couple simply can't.  The list is probably extensive, but for our family the immediate concerns are bonding, relocation and preparing to adopt once more. 

Bonding is generally easier for "normal" couples as they are able to do so with each other and the baby throughout the pregnancy. It's not as natural for an adoptive couple because they aren't able to experience the pregnancy first hand or get to know the baby's personality while he/she is still in the womb. While they can share their excitement about the baby with friends and family like a "normal' couple, they tend to be a bit reserved as there is always the fear in the back of their minds that the match or placement will fall through. Even after you're settled at home with your new bundle of joy, bonding doesn't exactly come easy. 

I couldn't love JT any more if I had given birth to him, but I did struggle a bit with bonding.  The first few weeks after we got home and got back into our routines were the hardest. At random times of the day, I would feel awkward when cuddling or kissing him, like I shouldn't be doing so. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was simply babysitting him and not mothering him. It was an extremely unpleasant and unwelcome feeling. All I kept thinking was that we had finally completed a year and a half long journey and I just wanted to enjoy our sweet baby boy.  Thankfully, those feelings have subsided and I no longer feel like JT's babysitter. I am his Mommy and he knows the sound of my voice and recognizes my face. When he smiles at me, my heart melts!  

Our current concern involves a possible relocation in the near future. Shane applied for a career broadening position a few months ago. We really weren't expecting anything to come of it but we knew he had to apply or we'd always wonder "what if."  As it turns out, they are interested in him and we are just waiting on an official job offer now. While we are excited about the opportunity it presents for our family's future, there are a few adoption-related obstacles we'll have to deal with in order to move. We'll have to go through the ICPC process all over again and once we're settled, we'll have to do another home study. We can't finalize JT's adoption here until he's been in our home for 6 months. There's a good chance that we'll be moving before that so we'll basically have to start from scratch in the new state. We won't be able to finalize there either until JT's a year which kind of stinks since we'd only have to wait 3 more months here. The one positive thing about having to redo our home study is that it's valid for 2 years in the new state whereas it's only good for 1 year here. It will be one less hoop we have to jump through when we're ready to start the adoption process for Mason and JT's baby sister. 

Preparing to adopt again is probably our biggest hurdle.  Unlike a typical couple whose biggest hurdles are making the decision to grow their family and how far apart in age they would prefer their children to be, it's a bit more complicated for us. As I blogged about in a previous post, adoption can be quite expensive. We've already begun saving, and with any luck the adoption tax credit will once again be made refundable which would allow us to adopt a baby girl sooner rather than later. If not though, it will be a while before we have the funds to move forward. Once again, we'll have to play the waiting game and hope and pray that we are chosen by a couple as fabulous as M & A. I know in my heart that if it's meant to be, it will all work out. Afterall, JT wouldn't be here with us otherwise! 

I guess we're just so good at jumping through hoops that God decided to throw a few more at us to keep us on our toes. I'll gladly continue to jump through them if it means we get to enjoy watching our boys grow and add a bouncing baby girl to our family as well :D

Worth the Wait

We found out at the end of January that we'd be meeting JT a few weeks early.  M started going for twice weekly NSTs around her 34th week and JT wasn't exactly cooperative for them.  Due to that as well as some health concerns, her doc ordered a level 2 ultrasound to be done at 36 weeks. Based on the results, it was suspected that JT was IUGR (intraunterine growth restriction). He was estimated to be 5 lb 7 oz and his tummy was measuring small as well. As a result of the IUGR and the fact that he was breech, M was scheduled for a c-section at 38 weeks.

I had already had the majority of JT's things packed and had slowly started to compile a list of things Shane, Mason and I would need. Once the c-section was scheduled though, I went into full on panic mode!! I started nesting like crazy and barely slept. The next 2 weeks went by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time to leave.

We left home on the 10th to be there in time for the delivery on the 13th. We were supposed to stay with Shane's sister but we were pretty tired by the time we got to the outskirts of Nashville. We decided to get a hotel room for the night and were going to try to meet Jen for breakfast in Chattanooga the following morning. While grabbing dinner, we discovered through a friend's post on Facebook that there was a nasty winter storm moving across the south right along the route we needed to travel.  We went to our room and checked out more info on the storm on Weather.com.  After staying in the hotel for only 3 hours, we decided we had better repack the truck and get back on the road again. We were afraid if we didn't leave by midnight, that we would never make it on time and would wind up stranded on the highway somewhere in the middle of the ice storm.  While Shane drove, I was continually monitoring the storm as well as our route. We managed to stay about 20 minutes ahead of it the entire way and once we got to FL we were in the clear. It's a good thing we followed our instincts because we likely wouldn't have made it out of GA otherwise!

We got to FL late in the afternoon on the evening of the 11th. M and I were texting back and forth as we finished up the drive. She had an ultrasound that afternoon at the hospital and found out that JT had finally decided to cooperate and flip. The c-section was canceled since he was no longer breech. There was some confusion as to whether or not the doctor planned to proceed with an induction or if M was going to be allowed to go to term.  She had another appointment scheduled for the morning of the 12th to finalize things for the 13th and she invited me to go with her.  We met M and A at the doctor's office the next morning which incidentally was the first time we got to meet A in person. Shane was wearing his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt which was ironic because A had wanted to wear his that day also but hadn't been able to find it. We talked for a few minutes before A had to leave to go to work and M and I headed into for her appointment. We waited in the waiting room for a little over 2 hours before a nurse came to tell us that the doctor had been called away for an emergency delivery.  She said M could be seen later that afternoon if she was willing to come back so we went and got Shane and Mason and headed to lunch. We had to wait another hour or so when we got back to the doctor's office and then M had to do another NST and ultrasound.  After talking with 2 separate doctors, the plan was to proceed with an induction. By that time it was already after 4 and M had to report to the hospital at 8:30 that night to start the induction process.  We headed to the mall and met A and we all had dinner together before they headed to the hospital.  At about 9, M texted me and told me that if I wanted to I could come and spend the night there with her.  Shane dropped me off and A was gracious enough to allow me to wear the second hospital bracelet.  He went home that night and I slept on the lovely pull out couch that is a fixture in most labor and delivery rooms.

Around midnight they began the first phase of the induction process.  The next morning around 8 am the pitocin was started. They slowly increased the drip throughout the day. They would have increased it a bit faster but the doc was being pulled in a million different directions as there were multiple patients in labor and delivery that day. The monitor wasn't picking up M's contractions very well so they had to proceed slowly. The doc broke free long enough to break her water around 1 and then was off and running again. I felt so bad for M as the day progressed and her contractions got worse. She wasn't able to get an epidural until late afternoon because the anesthesiologist was just as busy as the doc. Once the epidural was done, they decided to place internal monitors to better track the contractions.  As soon as they were able to monitor the contractions better, they steadily increased the drip and things started moving pretty fast. 

JT was born at 6:56 pm weighing 6 lb 4 oz and measuring 20 in long.  I can't even begin to put into words the mix of emotions I was feeling as I witnessed the miracle of his birth.  I'm not 100% sure but I suspect that the cord might have been wrapped around his neck because he looked a little blue when he emerged.  The doc suctioned his nose and mouth and he began to cry. It was immediately obvious that the little munchkin had a good set of lungs!! The doc asked if anyone wanted to cut the cord and A immediately deferred to me. The doc handed him over to the nurse afterwards and she asked if anyone wanted to take pictures. I looked to M and A, but A was not about to leave M's side as the doc was still tending to her.  I felt like an outsider but I didn't want any of us to miss JT's first moments, no matter what the ultimate outcome was in a few days.  I snapped a few pics and quickly texted them to Shane as the nurse took JT to the warmer and began wiping him down, taking his measurements and his prints.  I took a few more pics and then just stood there in awe.  I kept looking from him to M and A and the look on A's face as he watched his son literally broke my heart.  The nurse then asked if anyone wanted to hold him and again A deferred to me saying, "Let his new Mommy hold him."

Getting to hold him for the first time when he was merely a few minutes old was simply amazing.  I texted Shane to tell him and his response was, "Must be nice." I told him to grab Mason and head to the hospital so he could meet JT. He got there about half an hour later and I went downstairs to wait with Mason while Shane went up to the room as kids under 10 weren't allowed in the patient rooms.

Not long afterwards, I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't control the tears so I took Mason into the bathroom and just stood there bawling my eyes out!  I was ecstatic that JT was finally here and beyond thrilled that our prayers had been answered for a safe delivery for both he and M.  I was also feeling extremely guilty that M & A weren't going to get to raise the miracle they had created together; that they had to experience a great loss in order for us to complete our family.  Shane had come back down while I was in the bathroom because they were moving M to the postpartum floor and had taken JT to the nursery to monitor him for a bit because he was grunting a lot.  He called me because he couldn't find me.  I told him that I was in the bathroom trying to collect myself.  He said that M & A had been worried about me. Apparently when JT was born, it was obvious that I was overwhelmed with emotion and feeling several different things at once. They told Shane that they weren't sure what I was going to do. The fact that they were worried about me is proof that they are remarkable people.

I was prepared to go back to the hotel with Shane and Mason that night, but once again A was generous beyond belief and allowed me to stay with M. They also gave me the other hospital bracelet for JT which meant I was the only other person allowed to care for him and be alone with him besides M.  JT stayed in the room with us for the most part except when they took him back to the nursery for a bath and to check his blood sugar before feedings. I took care of the majority of his feedings so M could sleep. She obviously needed it much more than I did! The next morning Shane and Mason came to get me and we spent a few hours at the hotel before going back to the hospital.  When we got back S (the adoption professional) was there visiting. I sent Shane up first and stayed in the cafeteria with Mason. A few minutes afterwards Shane texted me and told me to just bring Mason up, that S said it was okay because he was a sibling.  I took him up and he got to meet JT for the first time and hold him.  Seeing the two of them together took my breath away!! We spent several hours there and  then we left for the night. M would have been fine with me staying the night again but I wanted to give her time alone with JT.

The next morning we went back to the hospital bright and early as I had to be there by 10 for the discharge class. It was so bizarre being the only person in the room without a spouse as well as the only one without a baby.  Afterwards, we just hung out with M & A and waited for S to come so papers could be signed. She got there around 2 and Shane, Mason and I waited in the outer hallway while they signed. Once again I was feeling a mix of emotions. Adoption most definitely is NOT for the faint of heart!!

After everything was signed, M & A left the hospital as she had already been discharged. S had to go to the nursery and finish up some things there for JT and then we had to sign our portion of the papers.  One of the nurses had to carry JT outside the hospital and then give him to S who then handed him to us. We all thought it was kind of ridiculous but it was hospital policy.  S handed him to me and I put him in his car seat while Shane pulled the truck around. M & A had waited for us and she came over to give me a hug before leaving and we made arrangements to meet for lunch the next day. As we drove away from the hospital, I was overcome with joy. This little person that we'd waited years to finally meet was finally here and going home with us, even if it was to a hotel room.

There hasn't been a dull moment since then but I wouldn't trade it for the world. JT was more than worth the wait!!

The Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Have you ever woken up from a dream and been forever changed by it.  A dream so profound that it rocks you to your core?  I can honestly say that I had just such a dream last night. In fact, it affected me so much that it prevented me from going back to sleep.  I knew that I had to get up and put my thoughts and feelings into writing immediately.

I've spent a good chunk of my life feeling like an outsider, like I didn't belong.  In truth, a lot of that feeling stems from my adolescence.  I've heard it said countless times, and I even said it myself a time or two, that college is all about finding yourself. For me however, high school was where I found myself.  I was part of a very close-knit group of friends.  There were about a dozen or so of us in our clique; sometimes less, sometimes more, as someone invariably moved to or away from our area.  We weren't quite popular but we weren't that group that everyone looks down on either. We were just somewhere in the middle.

As often happens in close-knit groups, several of us broke off into pairs, be it best friends or couples. We each were closer to one particular member of the group at one time or another and the members were interchangeable as time went on. Three of the members and I were inseparable for a few years.  We would have slumber parties and of course shared all of our secrets as girls tend to do.  There were times when I was closer to one of the girls than the other two due to our shared interests or experiences. We all remained close; however, and were there to pick up the pieces whenever we needed each other, which invariably happened when a romance within the group went south.

As is typical with most high school experiences, mine was filled with triumphs and failures, heartaches and betrayals, awkwardness and angst.  Over the years, as I've looked back on that time in my life, I've questioned whether or not I ever really fit in. Several years ago, I discovered through Facebook that the majority of the group met for breakfast at a local diner every Friday morning during our senior year.  I was never invited. When I found out about it, even though it was eons ago, it cut pretty deep.  It was proof for me that I in fact hadn't really fit in; that I really had been on the outside looking in all those years. More importantly, that I was never really like or wanted, but merely tolerated by those I considered to be my nearest and dearest friends.

My dream last night though was an epiphany. In the dream I was once again surrounded by my group of friends from high school.  As scenes from that time flashed through the dream I found myself asking countless what ifs?  What if I had made a different decision? What if I had acted differently? What if I had chosen a different path? As the dream unfolded I realized that it wasn't that I was unliked or unwanted or even an outsider. I was just as much a part of the group as anyone else.  My decisions and choices, based largely on emotion given the fact that I was a teenage girl, were simply leading me in a different direction.  Looking back now, I can see clearly that I often chose the road less traveled.  It wasn't that I didn't belong, but rather that I set myself apart from the rest. Whether it was intentional or not, I honestly can't say.  

As I have gotten older, I have continued to take the road less traveled, sometimes by necessity, sometimes by choice.  It doesn't make me any better or less than my peers, just different and that's okay.  I've often been jealous of my friends over the years, wishing I could have the same experiences as they had. Wishing that I wasn't faced with obstacle after obstacle or constant heartache.  I've come to the realization though that my experiences have molded and shaped me into the woman God intended.  I married my high school sweetheart while most of my friends found their spouses in college or beyond.  I am the first in our group to experience the death of a parent.  I am the one who chose to be vocal about my struggles with infertility in hopes of helping others feel less alone.  I am the one who experienced what no parent should ever have to face, the loss of a child. I am the one who is raising a special needs child. I am the one who has embarked on the journey of adoption.

Many of these experiences are not unique to society at large, but they are unique to my group of friends.   Despite the fact that many of them can't identify on a personal level, they have nonetheless supported me in every endeavor.  I have remained close with those same three girls  that I was inseparable from for those tumultuous years that we called high school, as well as with several other members of the group. Despite time and distance, our friendships have remained strong. We continue to support each other from afar and make it a point to get together whenever those of us who moved away go home for visits.  It's been quite some time since the entire group has been together but hopefully that will be remedied this summer when we gather for our 20-year high school reunion.

It hasn't escaped my attention that the reunion is most likely the cause for my dream last night.  I'm sure many who have gone back for their high school reunions, whether it be 10, 20 or even 50 years, have dreaded being confronted  by the memories of those few years. For some, those years were awkward and painful. For others, those years were the prime of their life.  I know now that I was afraid of those memories myself but I can honestly say I no longer feel afraid.  For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I KNOW that I am right where I was always meant to be.  I have come to terms with who I am, for better or worse, and most importantly different, and I am glad I chose the road less traveled for it truly has made all the difference.