Lost

As I sit her typing this tonight, lost is the only word I can think of to sum up how I feel. I had a blood test on Monday morning to determine if the embryo transfer from 10 days earlier was a success. I had taken a home pregnancy test the day before, as well as the morning of the blood test, both of which were positive. After waiting for almost 5 hours for the call from the clinic, I was told that while I was technically pregnant, my HCG level was only 10.8. Since I would be exactly 4 weeks pregnant that day, the number was extremely low; it should have been around 30 by then. The doctor told me to be cautiously optimistic and I was scheduled for another blood test tomorrow morning. If the number has not increased by then I will have had what is called a chemical pregnancy, which is an early miscarriage that occurs before 5 weeks of pregnancy. Based on the physical symptoms I have experienced since Friday, I am 99.9% sure that I have in fact suffered a chemical pregnancy.

Since receiving the call, my faith has wavered significantly and I have struggled to understand why God led us down this path. I know I said in my previous post that I knew there was a very real possibility that he could be giving us an opportunity to close a chapter in our lives. I guess what I'm really trying to understand is what lesson we are supposed to take away from this loss. We have already suffered the loss of one child. What more could we possibly learn by losing another? Over the last several days I have been filled with anger and resentment and frustration and jealousy and have slowly begun turning away from God.

I can already hear the cliches that people will try to comfort me with: That which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't close a door without first opening a window. I have heard all of these in one form or another countless times over the past 13 years or so. I can't possibly comprehend what the reason could be, how this loss is going to make me any stronger, or what window God could open at this point.

I have several friends, both lifelong and a few that I've only known for a short while, that have told me that I am amazing and one of the strongest women they know. While I am flattered by their perceptions of me, I must say I am not as strong as I appear to be. I am broken and I don't know that I will ever truly heal. Losing this little life has simply caused the whole in my heart to grow larger. I have repeatedly asked God to take away my heartache, but it seems instead that it just keeps multiplying. I will find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with my life simply because I must. My sweet little miracle man needs me and I can't bear the thought of letting him down. He fought so valiantly to stay with his daddy and I, and it is our duty to do everything in our power to be the best parents we can to him. He is one of the many reasons we wanted to have another child. He deserves to have a sibling to grow up with and he wants so badly to have a baby brother or sister.

We considered adoption before we pursued IVF the first time, and we had already decided before this last attempt that we would pursue it again if it was not a success. We've both wondered several times if God had been telling us to take that path and we just refused to listen. It will take some time for us to process this loss and grieve for what could have been, but hopefully we will be able to overcome our fears of adoption and find a way to complete our family. I'm confident that we will know when the time is right to pursue that path, if it is indeed what God has in store for us.

For now I need to brace myself for yet another blood test and phone call tomorrow and then pray that I am able to find my way back to God so that he can reveal his plan to me.