Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes . . .

I know some people will most likely think I'm crazy, but I truly believe that our loved ones who've passed on come to visit us, sometimes through our dreams. I had just such a dream the other night. My mother came to me and she told me that she missed me and she loved me. I then saw my daughter Madelynn. Although she was only three months old (thirty eight weeks gestation adjusted) when she passed away, in the dream she appeared to be a bit older. If she were still with us, she would be almost five and a half. She didn't look anywhere near that though; she was maybe six months old. I imagine she appeared to me in that form because that's how I remember her, although, in my dream she was happy and healthy and chubby like a baby should be. She was absolutely beautiful. In addition to Madelynn; however, I also saw two other baby girls. They were both very tiny. I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure my mother was holding one of the baby girls. The other was being held by my friend Wendy. I had known her since Kindergarten. She died much too young during my freshman year of college. If her sisters are anything like Madelynn, then my mother most definitely has her hands full with her grand daughters and she needs all the help she can get!!

This dream was very significant for me because now I know without a doubt that my baby girls are safe and sound with my mother. I've always known that Maddie was with my mom, but seeing my other two daughters with her also was very comforting. My husband and I didn't know the gender of the two embryos that were thawed for our FET cycle. On the day of the transfer, we made the very difficult decision to transfer only one embryo because the other was badly damaged in the thawing process. We wanted to give the healthier embryo the best chance possible at implantation. We were given a picture of the embryo that was transferred and right next to it was a pink "cloud." My husband noticed it immediately and pointed it out to me. After seeing that, we were both convinced that it was a girl. We never did see the other embryo and we didn't have testing done on either to determine gender.

In my dream, all three girls had dark hair. They resembled each other quite a bit as well, just as most siblings do. My husband swears that Madelynn would have been a redhead like me, but the locks of hair that we have from the NICU are distinctly dark. We were affectionately calling the baby that I miscarried Little Bean since that's what the embryo looked like in the picture we were given. Both Little Bean and her sister were absolutely beautiful, just like Madelynn. When I awoke from the dream, I felt at peace for the first time in weeks. Unfortunately, that feeling was short-lived.

I naively thought that I had accepted my miscarriage and the fact that I will never again be pregnant or be able to carry a baby to term. There I go thinking again. I am no where near acceptance. I had such high expectations for the pregnancy. I truly believed that my husband and I would be able to bond over the baby the way most couples are able to do. We weren't able to do so with Madelynn and Mason due to the fact that my husband was deployed to Iraq when I was only seven weeks pregnant. He was then rushed home a month before his deployment was scheduled to end because I was on the verge of a late-term miscarriage. We were able to see numerous ultrasounds, and hear the babies heartbeats during the five weeks that I was in the hospital on bed rest before their delivery; however, it was an extremely stressful time. I wouldn't exactly say that we bonded over our babies. I also had high hopes that with careful monitoring and progesterone supplementation, I would be able to deliver a healthy, full-term baby and that it would somehow help me heal emotionally from the trauma of delivering the twins at only twenty-four weeks gestation and watching them fight for their lives day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Once again, I was mistaken. If anything, the loss of Little Bean and her sister has only caused the pain to be magnified.

I wish with my whole heart that I could find a way to go back in time and prevent Madelynn and Mason from being born so early. I would give anything to have them both here, happy and healthy and thriving. I also wish both embryos had successfully survived the thaw and that we had been able to transfer both and welcome both baby girls into our family. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Madelynn, Little Bean or their sister and wonder how much richer our lives would be with them all here with us. I know in my heart that one day our family will be reunited in Heaven. Until then, I can only hope that I am granted the privilege of seeing them in my dreams as often as possible.

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