Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

We began our adoption journey 11 months ago.  It has most definitely been fraught with ups and downs.  At first, we were really excited and filled with hope.  As the months have gone by though, we've become frustrated and discouraged.

When we set out on this journey, we decided we would pursue an independent adoption rather than signing on with an agency.  We contacted several local agencies last year before going the independent route, but were turned away by each for various reasons.  After about 6 months of networking on our own, we researched a few more agencies at the suggestion of our social worker.  We haven't been able to find an agency that we feel comfortable with though.  They were all either out of our budget or we weren't comfortable with their practices.  We decided to step up our networking efforts and signed on with an adoption consultant a few months ago, but we still have yet to actually speak with an expectant mother, much less be matched with one.

We've had countless friends suggest we pursue foster care but that is simply not an option for us.  We want to be a forever family for a child, not just a temporary one. Neither Shane nor I can imagine welcoming another child into our home only to have to say goodbye a few short weeks or months later.  There would be no way to explain to Mason why the child he considered his brother or sister was no longer living with us either. Is it sometimes possible to adopt through foster care but there are very rarely newborns available. We want a newborn.  I'm sure most people think we're being selfish considering there are countless children in foster care who deserve a loving family; however, just because we aren't able to have a biological child, doesn't mean we shouldn't still be able to experience all of our future child's firsts. We also aren't equipped to handle the mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect that many children in foster care experience or the various other things they are exposed to.  In my opinion, it takes a truly special individual/couple to be able to care for children in foster care.  We simply are not one of those couples.

One of our biggest obstacles concerning newborn adoption is money. Adoption is expensive.  I am a member of a private adoption page on FB that lists situations from various agencies and attorneys.  Shane and I have been interested in several of the situations but we simply can't afford the fees associated with them.  Just to give you an example, one such situation was over $40,000.  It included $23,000 for the agency fee, $10,000 for birth mother expenses (living expenses, maternity clothes, and in some cases, lost wages), and $8500 for legal fees.  Travel would be in addition to that and given the fact that it was an interstate adoption, it would have included a hotel stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.  These types of situations are posted on the FB page almost daily.  Given the fact that we are a one-income household and we still need to be able to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and save for Mason's future, we simply can't afford those kinds of fees.  There was a situation posted recently that was within our budget but there are almost 500 members on that page so of course everyone pounced on the opportunity.

The other obstacle to realizing our dream of growing our family is that adoption comes with a considerable risk.  Even if we finally find an expectant mother who chooses to place her child with us, there are no guarantees that she won't change her mind after the baby is born, or even beforehand.  She is entitled to do so, but the thought of a failed match or placement is enough to drive a prospective adoptive parent insane! It seems like lately I'm seeing more and more instances of failed matches/placements and it's starting to freak me out.  I know of a couple who just experienced their second failed placement and I just read about a couple on the FB page who has experienced 9 failed matches.  I can't even fathom how we would find the strength to try again after even one failed match/placement, let alone multiple!!!  In addition to that, the birth mother expenses are at-risk fees. They typically start once you are matched and continue until 6-8 weeks postpartum.  Some states limit the amount an expectant mother can receive but in most cases the fees range from $3-10,000.  If she changes her mind, that money is lost.  It would take us quite a bit of time to recoup our losses in order to try again.

Shane and I have both felt over the past several years that God was leading us to adoption, but I can't help but wonder now if that was just wishful thinking on our part.  Everyone keeps telling me that our baby will find us and we just need to be patient.  That is SO much easier said than done though.  Mason has been praying nightly for God to bring him a baby.  It breaks my heart that we have no control over when/if he will ever have a baby brother or sister.  We are just ready for our family to be complete.  I can only hope and pray that our baby does indeed find us soon and that we are once again able to recapture that sense of excitement and hope and not be consumed by anxiety and fear that everything will fall apart at the last minute.  I've read several times that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  That is a drastic understatement. While adoption is the ultimate selfless act on the part of the birth mother and the most precious gift an adoptive couple can receive, it is most definitely a roller coaster ride. Throughout the last 11 months, we have most definitely experienced the good, the bad and the ugly and our journey isn't over yet.  I truly am looking forward to the day that I am able to look back on all of this and realize that God brought us to it and through it and rejoice in the fact that our family is finally complete!!

The Things We Take for Granted

No matter how hard we try not to, we often end up taking things for granted.  Our family members, friends, job, financial security, health, and our future.  We just assume that our loved ones will be with us for the long haul or that things will go according to our plans.  We forget that no one lives forever and that Murphy's Law often applies to many aspects of our daily lives.  It has certainly applied to multiple facets of my life, which only makes sense given the fact that my maiden name just happens to be Murphy.  I swear I should get a tattoo that reads, "Anything and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong!"

I've always had a tendency to dwell on the future.  No matter how hard I try to live in the moment, to be thankful for the blessings I have today, I always find myself wondering and worrying about the future.  I spent most of my high school years worrying about and preparing for college.  Due to that, I missed out on making countless memories with my nearest and dearest friends.  Once in college, all I could  think about was graduating and starting my teaching career.  I can't even begin to imagine all of the things I missed out on during those four years.  When Shane and I got engaged, my focus partially shifted to our wedding and our life together.  Just six months after we were married, instead of relishing in our newlywed status, I was already focused on trying to start a family.  

All along the way, I took if for granted that everything would go according to my plans.  For the most part, everything did up until we began to try to have a baby. I had known early on in our relationship that we might have difficulty due to health issues on both sides.  I naively assumed that somehow our plans would come to fruition despite any obstacles we might face.  Enter Murphy's Law in a BIG way. Our plan was to have a baby by the time we were 25. Ha!  As if!!  My mother-in-law frequently says, "If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans."  I'm sure Shane and I had him rolling on the floor laughing for years. We faced many obstacles and much heartache before we finally became parents.  Looking back now, I can say without a doubt it was all worth it.  We know how blessed we are to have Mason in our lives and we try very hard not to take him for granted.  

I wish I could say after everything we went through that we learned our lesson as far as making plans, but apparently we still had a few tests ahead of us. We were naive enough to think that we had paid our dues with our first pregnancy and the loss of Madelynn and that once we were ready to give Mason a sibling, everything would fall into place.  Once again, Murphy's Law set us straight. Nothing went according to our carefully orchestrated plans.  God had a different plan for us to expand our family.

We have felt for quite some time that God was leading us to adoption but we were just too stubborn.  We wanted to follow our own path.  Once we finally came around to his plan, we were certain that the biggest obstacle that we faced was the home study.  We thought if we could get through that, adoption would be attainable.  You would think we would know better by now, but what can I say, we're suckers for punishment.  We've been waiting now for almost a year and all we've encountered is near misses.  Some days I can't help but feel anger and bitterness.  So many others are able to conceive without difficulty and have uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.  They don't take the time to realize how blessed they are but instead take those miracles and their children for granted.  

Many don't realize and couldn't even begin to fathom what's it's like for those of us on the other side.  Infertility is a roller coaster ride from Hell.  From where I'm sitting, adoption isn't much better.  The only difference is instead of constantly being physically poked and prodded, you are constantly mentally and emotionally poked and prodded. Not only is your privacy invaded with the home study process but you are faced with a huge amount of uncertainty and financial strain.  

Adoption is NOT cheap and while I understand that there is a service being provided which incurs costs, some of the fees are astronomical.  Just to give those of you who are unfamiliar with adoption expenses an idea of the cost involved, I'll give you an example of a situation I came across last night.  The baby is due in about 3 weeks.  The agency fee is $23,000, the legal fees are $8500 and the birth mother expenses are $10,000.  This is not atypical either.  Most adoptions cost upwards of $35-40,000.  I don't know anyone who has that kind of cash laying around, and we certainly don't.  The most we can afford is maybe half of that. Don't get me wrong, being able to give Mason a sibling would be worth EVERY penny but there is just no way we can afford that. We still need to keep a roof over our head and food on the table and be able to save for college for both children. If we could get a loan, that would be awesome, but it's not like banks are willing to take such a huge risk.  There's no collateral involved.  Financial concerns aside, we are taking a huge emotional risk. There is no guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind once the baby is born.  If she does decide to parent, which is totally within her rights, we would be out all those fees and most likely couldn't afford to try again.  I don't want to even contemplate the emotional devastation we would experience.  It's a risk we have to take though in order to grow our family.

Sometimes I look back and I am amazed at all that we took for granted as far as the future was concerned.  I can honestly say that we have finally learned our lesson.  We don't take much of anything for granted anymore.  I still wonder and worry about the future but I no longer make plans.  I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to adopt and that Mason is meant to have a sibling, but I know that the when and where are not in my control.  I just need to try to be patient and hope and pray constantly that when we are finally matched with an expectant mother, Murphy's Law doesn't try to rear it's ugly head again.

Grief - My Constant Companion

I came across this quote and it struck a chord with me:

No matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.

I truly feel that I have been in a constant state of grief for well over a decade now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my parents.  My mother and I were extremely close and I would give anything to be able to confide in her and seek her advice and guidance, especially now that I'm a mother myself.  I miss her smile and her laugh and the smell of her perfume. I ache to feel her arms around me and to hear her voice. My father and I didn't have the best relationship while I was younger but we did grow closer the last few years before he passed.  I miss his sense of humor and the way he labeled and described things.  He had a language all his own. Vin, who was more like a father to me than an uncle, was my mentor.  I miss hearing him tell stories, sing silly songs or tell goofy jokes.  He was very wise and he wasn't afraid to tell it like is was, political correctness be damned. While I miss them each and every day, I have more or less accepted their deaths.  Having your parents pass before you is the natural order of things. I wish I could have had MUCH more time with each of them, but I have a lot of memories to keep them close. Unfortunately, memories can't console all types of grief.

I've also suffered from grief concerning fertility and pregnancy. When you are faced with fertility issues, you are forced to accept the fact that your dreams for a family may not ever be realized. You also forfeit your privacy once you start treatment. Not only are you poked and prodded constantly by doctors and nurses, but anyone who knows that you are struggling to start a family constantly asks you how things are going.  Some are much more supportive than others when you struggle for as long as we did; however, I heard countless times from various people, "Maybe you're not meant to have children."  For anyone who has suffered infertility, those words cut like a knife. When you want so badly to have a child and watch him/her grow, you are willing to do anything to make it a reality. Thankfully we were able to keep fighting and we ultimately won the battle; however, that victory came with a price. I was naive in thinking our biggest obstacle was conceiving.  I envy those women who are able to enjoy their pregnancies.  They get to focus on things like decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, packing a hospital bag and picking out the outfit their newborn will come home in.  I wasn't able to experience any of those things during my pregnancy.  That grief is mild though compared to what it's like when you lose your child.

I miss Madelynn every second of every day. I try to hold on to the memories that I have of her but unfortunately, there aren't that many.  Three months was just not enough time. The only memories we have are of her hooked up to machines with tubes and wires everywhere. We didn't get to see her smile or hear her laugh. We didn't get to see her first step or hear her first word. We'll never know the little details like her favorite color or her favorite flavor of ice cream or whether or not she would have played with Barbies or preferred to play with Mason's cars instead. We'll never get to watch her grow into a woman, or choose a career, or get married. Shane will never get to walk her down the isle.  We will forever be left with empty arms and broken dreams.

While we are blessed beyond measure to be able to watch Mason grow, our dreams for him have also been shattered. Not only was he robbed of his twin, but of a typical childhood as well.  The reality is that he won't have the same experiences as his neurotypical peers. He doesn't have the same interests as they do, and as a result he is often excluded.  It breaks my heart to see him always on the outside looking in.  Every day we worry about his future and whether or not he will be able to live independently.  We struggle with the decisions we have to make on his behalf, especially those concerning his education.  We are so afraid of failing him again.  Each time a new obstacle presents itself, we grieve for what should have been.

In our case, time does not heal all wounds. The pain and heartache does not fade away. The life we had envisioned for our family will never be a reality.  Grief is simply a part of our every day lives and will likely remain so until we take our last breath.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race . . .

As much as we would like to do more as far as networking is concerned, we honestly don't know what else is left for us to do at this point other than pray. We have been busy handing out our Pass Along Cards and trying to find other ways to network.  We just created an adoption profile video and uploaded it to YouTube yesterday.  We have had SO many of our friends and family share the link to the video.  We are truly humbled by their outpouring of love and support and we feel blessed beyond words!!  I also found another adoptive parent profile site this evening so I will be creating a profile for that site as well.  The more exposure we have, the better our chances.

We did begin researching agencies on the advice of our social worker.  I contacted several agencies a few weeks ago and requested information packets.  One of the information packets instantly brought me to tears.  That particular agency bases their fees on the race of the child.  The most disturbing part was that after I did a bit more research, and asked other members of the adoption forum that I belong to, I discovered that it is standard practice.  Needless to say, if we end up going the agency route, we WILL NOT be choosing an agency that bases their fees on race!  We are still trying to find an agency that we feel comfortable with which has proved quite elusive, so for now we are going to continue to pursue the independent route.  

I know it is just a matter of time before our future son or daughter finds us.  It occurred to me, however, while looking over our blog that we haven't indicated what our preferences are concerning that child. Frankly, we don't have many. We are open to gender and race and are willing to consider prenatal drug exposure on a case by case basis.  We are also willing to negotiate a level of openess that fits the needs of both the expectant parents and our family.  Our future child will always know that he/she was adopted and that his/her birth parents loved him/her very much.  We want to do what is best for our future child and ensure that he/she grows up knowing his/her roots.  

We are trying to be patient while waiting for our future miracle to find us, but that is SO MUCH easier said than done!! I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race.

P.S. Here is our adoption profile video:

Growing In Our Hearts

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single moment,
you didn't grow under my heart but in it.

I'm sure a lot of people think I'm a bit nuts, but I firmly believe that our dreams are more than just our subconscious working through the issues we face in our daily lives.  I believe that sometimes our dreams are glimpses into the future.  I am pretty sure I had just such a dream the other night.

For the past several years, I have had recurring dreams about a baby girl.  I am pretty confident these dreams were my mind's way of working through my feelings surrounding our daughter Madelynn's death.  The other night, however, I had a dream about twin boys.  The dream was extremely vivid and I still remember it quite clearly.  Mason and I went to the hospital  to meet the birth mother who had chosen us, as well as the babies as they had already been born.  Shane was on his way from work and was going to meet us there.  I took a wrong turn and got lost along the way and  I had to stop and ask for directions. I can still picture the street signs in my mind, although the only detail I remember is that the number 600 was in the address of the hospital. It was either early Spring or late Fall because Mason and I were both wearing coats. When we got there, we went straight to the birth mother's hospital room.  As we rounded the corner and headed towards her room, a male nurse was coming out with the babies in one of those little hospital cribs.  He was taking them back to the nursery.  I can still picture them both vividly.  They were biracial and they were sleeping peacefully facing each other.  We went into the room to meet the birth mother.  I can still picture her vividly as well. Her coloring led me to believe that she was of Hispanic decent and her hair was cut in a cute pixie hair style.  She introduced herself and I remember her name was long; she had 4 names and one of them was Theresa. She was in her late 20s or early 30s and was very sweet. She was taken with Mason and started asking him questions about his iPad.

I woke up from this dream at about 5 in the morning and wasn't able to go back to sleep.  It was just so real!!  Call it women's intuition or whatever you want to, but ever since we began the adoption journey, I have had a strong feeling that we will be adopting a biracial child. We are 100% open to it and have been from day one.  I told Shane about my dream as soon as he woke up.  Over the past 6 months, I've asked him how he would feel if we were chosen to adopt twins, but he hasn't really considered that it might be a possibility. When I asked him again the other morning after telling him about my dream, he seemed to have more of an open mind. I know some will probably think I am just getting my hopes up, but I am choosing to take this dream as a sign.  I can't say for sure that every detail will come true, but I know that we are VERY open to the possibility.

Our future child(ren) is most definitely growing in our hearts and we are anxiously awaiting their arrival!!

Big Brother in Training

Mason is SO ready to be a big brother. Every time we are out and about, he is drawn to any and all of the babies that he sees. If we go somewhere that he is able to interact with other children, he gravitates towards the younger ones instead of those his own age or older. For some reason, he just feels more comfortable around them and gets along with them better than his peers.

In the last few days, I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of how Mason will be with his future baby brother or sister. Yesterday, when we were at the gym, there were two toddlers sitting in a round play mat. Some older children were jumping off a piece of play equipment into the mat and landing on the toddlers. Understandably, the toddlers were frightened and upset. I tried to get the older children to stop jumping but they wouldn't listen to me since they didn't know me. After a few minutes, they got tired of the jumping and went to play elsewhere. One of the mothers came to get her son and consoled him and then put him in a safer place. The other toddler, a little girl, had crawled up onto the play equipment to get away from the older kids. She was crying but her mother must not have been able to hear her. She climbed down after a few minutes and went back to the play mat. Mason went over and got a book that was laying on the floor and gave it to her. He knew she was upset and wanted to cheer her up.

During today's visit to the gym there were several children Mason's age as well as a baby who looked to be about 10 or 11 months old. There was a ball that Mason had remembered from our trip to the gym yesterday and he went right for it. Before he got to it though, the baby found it. Mason came over to me and told me he wanted to play with the ball. I told him he had to share. At that point, the baby bounced the ball and it rolled to the other side of the enclosure. Mason went and got the ball and took it right back to the baby. The baby didn't take it at first so Mason took his hands and put them on the ball so the baby would have to take it. He came over to me immediately after to be sure that I had seen him sharing. I made it a point to tell him, "Good sharing!!" For the next 10-15 minutes, the baby bounced the ball and Mason went and got it. Each time he brought it back, he gently placed it in the baby's hands. Watching the two of them interact was just so cute!! I tried to get a picture but the play equipment seemed to always block my shot.

As I watched him with that baby boy today, I felt like I was getting a glimpse of the near future and I couldn't help but tear up. I have always known that Mason would be an absolutely phenomenal big brother, but the last few days have confirmed it for me. He is so gentle and has such a big heart. He's already a great helper too. I'm sure he's going to be eager to help with feedings and diaper changes and he'll probably want to read bed time stories to the baby too. I can't wait until we are able to bring Mason's baby brother or sister home and officially make him the big brother that he desperately longs to be!!

Trials and Tribulations

It has occurred to me recently that it is somewhat taboo to share your trials and tribulations. Most people keep things private and look down upon others who don't do the same. In my humble opinion, it is essential to share not only the joys in life, but also the hardships. So many people nowadays feel isolated or alone. It's no wonder when they feel like they shouldn't express their sadness or frustration or anger about life circumstances. By sharing the bad times, as well as the good, you may be helping someone feel a little less alone.

I realize not everyone is comfortable sharing their personal feelings or thoughts about experiences. At the same time, those that are comfortable should not be ridiculed for doing so. My husband and I have had our fair share of hardships; some might even say we've surpassed our quota. Our experiences include battling cancer, the death of more than one parent, infertility, high risk pregnancy, preterm delivery of twins, the NICU, the death of a child, the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder in our surviving child, the loss of a career, and the journey of adoption just to name a few. We have shared all of these experiences with family and friends through social media and blogs. It was the easiest way to keep everyone informed because we are all scattered across the county.

I know to some it may seem like by sharing our personal struggles we are simply trying to gain attention. That is most definitely not the case. I have always been a very emotional person, and as such, have openly shared my thoughts and feelings regarding all of the above mentioned circumstances. I'm sure often times I have made people uncomfortable with my openness, but that has never been my intention. I firmly believe that by sharing the pain I have experienced, I may in some way spare someone else from having to endure the same, or at the very least help them to better prepare. In many cases, my goal is to simply help someone feel a little less alone.

Several of the hardships we have endured are taboo subjects in and of themselves. Not many people are comfortable talking about infertility, the death of a child or autism. People who have not encountered any of the three simply can't fathom what it must be like; however, for those of us who have, it's important to know that we're not alone. When we first began our struggles with infertility, I kept the details to myself. After a few years though, I realized how important it was to share such personal information. Since I began openly sharing our struggle to start a family, I have had several friends and acquaintances confide in me and ask me for advice. They knew I would understand better than their family members and friends who couldn't identify with what they were going through. Unfortunately, I have met far too many people who have experienced the death of a child or are raising a child on the spectrum. We are members of exclusive clubs and we would do anything in our power to be able to spare someone the heartache that we endure on a daily basis. We share our experiences as a way to educate others and to try to break down the barriers that make such subjects taboo in the first place.

Life is not all sunshine and roses. While it is important to acknowledge the joys in life, it is equally important to acknowledge the trials and tribulations. After all, it is the hardships in life that put our strength and character to the test, and help us reach our full potential. We all should feel free to share our experiences, whether they be good or bad, with whomever we choose to do so without the fear of being called a drama queen. Life and death, and all that comes between, surrounds us and we should take the time to not only experience what God has planned for us, but to learn about others' experiences as well. Only in doing so will we truly live our lives to the fullest and be able to encourage, support and empathize with others.

I for one plan to continue to share my joys AND my trials and tribulations, despite the fact that I'm certain some people consider me a drama queen or an attention whore. I don't share my experiences to gain attention or sympathy, I do so in the hopes that I can help others. If I am able to help even one person feel less alone, then I have accomplished my goal.