Friends for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?

Friendship has always been a struggle for me. I don't make friends easily, but once I do I am fiercely loyal & I don't take ending any friendship lightly. As I get older, however, I am beginning to realize the profound truth behind these words:

Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

Looking back, I have most definitely had friendships for a reason; those that were meant to fulfill a specific purpose in my life or in theirs. I've also had friendships that were only meant to last a season. For me though, I've always felt that most of my friendships were meant to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to accept the fact that that's simply not the case. 

Aside from Facebook, I have all but lost contact with countless friends I thought were meant to last a lifetime. We keep tabs on each other & send the occasional text or email, but we are no longer truly a part of each other's lives. We have all but lost the connections we once had and no longer have the energy or the desire to reconnect.  

I am slowly coming to the realization that it's time for me to let go. I have changed a great deal in the last several years. The sad truth is that most of my friends, & family members as well, can't identify with me anymore or with the life experiences I've had. Hell, some days I can't even identify with myself. It's no one's fault, it just is what it is. 

I'm not saying that I plan to end those friendships I thought would last a lifetime. I am simply putting them into perspective. I will always cherish the memories we've made but I no longer have unrealistic expectations. I will continue to stay connected through Facebook & through the occasional text & email, & see them as the blessings they are instead of lamenting the lack of connection I've been associating with them. 

Most importantly, going forward I am going to embrace each friendship whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I've come to realize lately just how precious & fragile friendship can be & I don't ever want to take it for granted again.

My Multiple Personalities

Shane often jokes that I have multiple personalities. He'll say things like "all three of you" or "which one of you?" when referring to me. He calls it being "personality friendly." It occurred to me that in a sense, he's right. 

There are in fact, three versions of me. The me I used to be, the me I have become and the me I wish I could be.  

Buried deep within is the naive, optimistic young girl/woman I once was long ago. She had a sense of humor and loved to make others laugh. She trusted and loved unconditionally & only saw the good in people & situations. She hadn't experienced profound loss or heartache and didn't dwell on the "what ifs" or ask "why me." She simply lived each day to the fullest and looked to the future with hope and optimism.   

Not so deep is the cynical, pessimistic me. She is way too serious & often forgets how to laugh. She found out the hard way that not everyone deserves to be trusted & loved unconditionally & that sometimes things are out of your control; that unfortunately situations & events can sometimes irrevocably change you. She is often ruled by fear of the unknown and hates how she feels when she has no control over a situation. She's the version of myself I've clung to the most for the past few decades.

Just under the surface is the me that I truly wish I could be. She is a mixture of the other two. She doesn't let fear or uncertainty hold her back but she also doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses. Instead she draws strength and courage from her past experiences, both good and bad, and does everying within her power to realize her dreams while keeping her feet firmly planted on the ground. This version of me is fighting tooth and nail to break free.

I look forward to the day when I can finally embrace my true self and I no longer feel like I am constantly trying to outrun my past. 

I'm Movin' On

Ever experience a moment when you're driving home, listening to a familiar song and suddenly you burst into tears because the song has taken on a whole new meaning for you? Yeah, that happened just now. I am a huge Rascal Flatts fan and have always loved the song I'm Moving On. Ever since my Father died a few years ago, I've associated that song with him. Today though, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it now applies to me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but its time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

I completely lost it at the 5th verse and could barely see the road through my tears. I have come so far and grown so much in the last year. Being back in the place where Maddie and Mason were born, and Maddie lost the fight, has forced me to face my grief and work through it. 

I will NEVER forget her or stop missing her and wishing she was still here with us, but I know that Maddie would not want me to live in the past. She wouldn't want me blame myself for her and Mason being born extremely premature or for her death. I know without a doubt that she would want me to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every single second I have with Mason and Jackson. 

My sweet baby girl taught me SO much in her short three months on this Earth and she continues to do so even eight years after her death. Yesterday afternoon, we went to Chili's for an early Mother's Day dinner. Our waitress was named Maddie. I believe it was my precious daughter's way of letting me know she was with me and not to be sad. Just about an hour or so earlier, I had commented on a friend's Facebook status about how the holiday was difficult for me due to missing my Mother and Maddie. 

I truly believe that song taking on new meaning for me today was yet another message from her. Maddie was encouraging me to stop living in the past and letting the years pass me by. She's letting me know that it's time to forgive myself and finally move on.

Home Is Where the Heart Is . . .

There are two well known sayings concerning home:

Home is where the heart is.

You can never go back home again.

I can attest to both. 

Over the course of the last 20 years, we've moved quite a bit. Granted, some of those moves were within the same city, i.e. when we lived in Texas, we moved from an apartment to base housing and then to the first house we bought. When we left after 3.5 years, it was hard to say goodbye to the friends we had made but we were looking forward to a new adventure. Thankfully when we moved to Louisiana we lived in the same house the entire time. It was the longest we had stayed in one place since we graduated college. We made so many amazing friends throughout the course of those 5 years. We also were changed irrevocably when we finally became parents after struggling for over 7 years to start a family. Leaving was extremely hard; neither of us were impressed with the prospect of Nebraska. 

I knew absolutely nothing about the Midwest and found myself constantly comparing it to Louisiana. It took a while, but once again we were fortunate enough to make some amazing friends. It never really quite felt like it was "home" though. I'm sure that was in part due to the fact that we lived in 3 different houses over the course of our 7 years there too; base housing, the house we rented and the house we bought. It occurred to me tonight though that it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was afraid of opening myself up; that doing so would have been like cheating on the friends we had left behind. I was afraid that if I let too many people in or became too close with them that it would be like forgetting or replacing all those we loved from our time in Louisiana.

Now that we're back in Louisiana, it doesn't quite feel like "home" anymore either. It's not the same place it was back then and we aren't the same people. I considered this my second home for so long and I have SO many memories of our close friends that we met while here the first time, all of which we now consider family. Many of them moved either shortly before or after we did though. We've made some new friends in the short time we've been back but one of them is already moving this summer which totally sucks! I find myself missing our friends in Nebraska too, who also became more like family to us, and I fear I'm once again holding back from forming new close friendships  It is so hard to feel like you're "home" when you're either constantly leaving those you love behind or being left behind by them. 

I'd like to say that Louisiana will become our permanent "home" but there's no guarantee and we'll likely be moving again in a few years. Once again, we'll be leaving behind those we love and having to start over in a new town and open ourselves up for new friendships. Yes, home is where the heart is but it's not that simple when your heart is scattered all over the country/world. 

Twins, Twins, EVERYWHERE!!

Lately, it seems like I'm being bombarded with twins. There was a set of baby boy/girl twins at the doctor's office the other day, and I know several people who are currently pregnant with twins or just recently gave birth to them within the past year.  Each time someone makes an announcement on Facebook, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous, that's because I am!! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for these families but at the same time I feel cheated, not only for Shane and I but more importantly for Mason.

Shane and I were mentally, emotionally and physically preparing to raise twins. I bought two car seats and a double stroller about a month before I wound up in the hospital on bed rest. We ordered two cribs and had two bedding sets and a ton of gender neutral clothes so we'd have plenty for two babies. We painted the nursery and had it just about all set up minus the cribs (which hadn't arrived yet) shortly before Maddie took a turn for the worse. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, or should I say nightmares, that we would leave the hospital with only one of our precious babies.

The day after Maddie died, Shane and I took the bedding set we had picked out for her back to Burlington. I kept the matching receiving blankets because I just couldn't bear to return them. We kept several of the girly outfits and onesies we had gotten for her too. Returning the extra car seat and double stroller was the worst. I had gotten it from Target and it was past the 90 day return period so the store manager wouldn't do a return. We tried to explain to her why we were returning it, but she didn't seem to care. Thankfully, the woman who was actually working the customer service desk dialed corporate for us and asked Shane to explain the situation to them. They told  him to just leave the stroller and extra car seat at the store and they would send us a gift card for the amount.

I remember several sets of twins who came and went from the NICU after we lost Maddie. Most of them were only there for a few days or maybe a week or two. More often than not, they were able to sleep in the same isolette too. It was pure torture when I went to visit Mason and I had to sit there and watch those other parents getting to hold, feed and bathe both of their babies. They were blissfully ignorant of the pain and anguish our family was enduring.

Maybe it was seeing that set of twins at the doc's office the other day, or being blindsided when I discovered yesterday via Facebook that yet another friend is expecting twins, or the fact that Maddie and Mason's birthday is less than 2 weeks away, but I'm really struggling right now. I want to know why? What did we do to deserve to only get 3 short months with our sweet baby girl? What makes all those other families so special that they get to raise both of their babies?  Why do their children get to grow up with their twin while Mason was robbed of his?

I know I'm not supposed to question it but it's impossible not to. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Maddie and wish I could go back in time and change things. I would give anything to be able to carry them to term, or even for 10 more weeks, so they would have had a better chance at survival and a normal life. I was willing to stay upside down in that hospital bed for the remainder of my pregnancy and would have gladly done so. I never complained about it for a second. In fact, one of my doc's was so amazed by it that he called me Sunshine. I just wanted to do whatever was necessary for my precious cargo.

I hate that Maddie won't be here to celebrate their 8th birthday with Mason in a little under two weeks. I hate that despite us talking about her and trying to keep her memory alive, it seems like he's forgotten her. I hate that many of our friends and family seem to have forgotten her as well. I hate that I feel like my memories of her are slipping away too. I just want my sweet baby girl back; for her to be here with us and for us to have the happily ever after ending like those other families from the NICU.

Silence is Golden

This post has been a long time coming and I'll warn you, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. No doubt, some of what I am about to say is going to upset a few people, but frankly, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people belittling my hopes and dreams and feelings and I simply can't bite my tongue any longer.

Infertility SUCKS! Wanting more than anything to have children and not being able to is excruciating. Unless you've experienced it and you know how heartbreaking it can be, please just keep your opinions, comments and most importantly, advice to yourself!

I can't tell you how many times we were told to just relax and it would happen. Just about every one of the people who said this knew both mine and Shane's medical history and that without medical intervention, there was simply no way we would ever conceive. Some of the same people told us once we moved on to adoption and brought JT home that we would probably wind up pregnant. Newsflash, adoption does NOT cure infertility!! While that ship has sailed and we have no intention of seeking fertility treatments again, I find myself once again feeling like people are dismissing our dream of growing our family through a second adoption.

I've had countless people tell me we should just be content with the children we have; that if we aren't able to adopt a baby girl, it's okay. Let me just say, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!! Who are you to tell us that we should give up on a dream? Who are you to decide whether or not we are done growing our family?  It's easy for some to tell us we should be grateful for the children we have when they have absolutely no trouble conceiving and have uneventful, healthy pregnancies. We deserve to have as many children as we feel we are capable of caring for just as much as everyone else does.

Furthermore, for those who feel like it is wrong for us to want a girl, you can stick your opinion where the sun doesn't shine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us wanting to give Mason and JT a baby sister. It doesn't mean we love Mason or JT any less or that they aren't good enough because neither of them is a girl. We LOVE our SONS and couldn't imagine our lives without them nor would we want to. That being said, both Shane and I deserve the chance to experience the things that go hand-in-hand with raising a daughter if that's what our hearts desire.

I long for a mother-daughter bond; to be able to do the things with our little girl that I've watched so many of my girlfriends and family members do with their daughters. I can't even begin to put into words how hard it is for me some days to see the many posts on FB about various things they all get to do with their daughters. Some days, it feels like I'm repeatedly being punched in the stomach. I was very close with my mother too and I miss the uniqueness of that relationship. As much as I love my boys, I can't have the same relationship with them that I could with a daughter. Shane deserves to be able to have a father-daughter bond as well; to be wrapped around his baby girl's little finger and spoil her to his heart's content. To some day walk her down the isle.

We were robbed of the chance to experience any of these things with Maddie, and while I'm sure some will think we are trying to replace her, I assure you that couldn't be further from the truth. Maddie can NEVER be replaced, (and neither can Chloe or Hudson) but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us wanting the chance to raise a daughter. Our dreams are just as valid as anyone else's and we deserve to pursue them just as much as anyone else does. Telling us to be content with the children we have and to cherish them is a slap in the face. We know all too well just how precious both of our boys are and we don't take one second with them for granted because unfortunately, we've experienced every parent's worst nightmare.

I have had several people, including our adoption attorney, tell me that I need a little girl. They could all see how much I long for one and they didn't judge me for it or think I was being greedy in wanting more children. The next time you start to tell someone they should be content with the children they have, or that they should simply accept that they may not be able to grow their family when they want more anything to be able to do exactly that, maybe you should stop and think. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your dream or told you you shouldn't pursue it? Not every situation requires you to give your opinion or supply unsolicited advice. Sometimes it's okay to simply listen and be supportive. If you can't do that, then please just keep your thoughts to yourself because you never know how deeply an innocent comment can hurt someone who's heart is already broken.

P.S. This is not directed at anyone in particular as I have had NUMEROUS people tell me these things over the last decade or more. I read a post pertaining to infertility and the things people feel compelled to tell couples who are struggling with growing their families and I saw a lot of parallels to our situation as well. As I said, this post has been a long time coming. I started writing it in September but I never finished it. Due to our current situation and a few conversations I've had with friends and family recently, I just felt it was time to get it off my chest once and for all.

Jumping Through Hoops

Adoption is a blessing beyond measure; however, just like anything else in life that's worthwhile, it's not easy. The entire adoption process itself is stressful beyond belief. From the home study, to waiting to be chosen by birth parents, then sitting on pins and needles to see if the match will actually result in a placement, the stress is almost monumental. In addition to that, you have to worry about things like the level of openness you desire, what kind of relationship you'd like to build with the birth parents and how and when you're going to share your child's birth story with him/her . If you're one of the lucky couples, everything falls into place and the wait is more than worth it when you finally get to bring that bouncing baby home. 

Then you realize that you still have countless hoops to jump through.

There are so many things that other couples take for granted that an adoptive couple simply can't.  The list is probably extensive, but for our family the immediate concerns are bonding, relocation and preparing to adopt once more. 

Bonding is generally easier for "normal" couples as they are able to do so with each other and the baby throughout the pregnancy. It's not as natural for an adoptive couple because they aren't able to experience the pregnancy first hand or get to know the baby's personality while he/she is still in the womb. While they can share their excitement about the baby with friends and family like a "normal' couple, they tend to be a bit reserved as there is always the fear in the back of their minds that the match or placement will fall through. Even after you're settled at home with your new bundle of joy, bonding doesn't exactly come easy. 

I couldn't love JT any more if I had given birth to him, but I did struggle a bit with bonding.  The first few weeks after we got home and got back into our routines were the hardest. At random times of the day, I would feel awkward when cuddling or kissing him, like I shouldn't be doing so. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was simply babysitting him and not mothering him. It was an extremely unpleasant and unwelcome feeling. All I kept thinking was that we had finally completed a year and a half long journey and I just wanted to enjoy our sweet baby boy.  Thankfully, those feelings have subsided and I no longer feel like JT's babysitter. I am his Mommy and he knows the sound of my voice and recognizes my face. When he smiles at me, my heart melts!  

Our current concern involves a possible relocation in the near future. Shane applied for a career broadening position a few months ago. We really weren't expecting anything to come of it but we knew he had to apply or we'd always wonder "what if."  As it turns out, they are interested in him and we are just waiting on an official job offer now. While we are excited about the opportunity it presents for our family's future, there are a few adoption-related obstacles we'll have to deal with in order to move. We'll have to go through the ICPC process all over again and once we're settled, we'll have to do another home study. We can't finalize JT's adoption here until he's been in our home for 6 months. There's a good chance that we'll be moving before that so we'll basically have to start from scratch in the new state. We won't be able to finalize there either until JT's a year which kind of stinks since we'd only have to wait 3 more months here. The one positive thing about having to redo our home study is that it's valid for 2 years in the new state whereas it's only good for 1 year here. It will be one less hoop we have to jump through when we're ready to start the adoption process for Mason and JT's baby sister. 

Preparing to adopt again is probably our biggest hurdle.  Unlike a typical couple whose biggest hurdles are making the decision to grow their family and how far apart in age they would prefer their children to be, it's a bit more complicated for us. As I blogged about in a previous post, adoption can be quite expensive. We've already begun saving, and with any luck the adoption tax credit will once again be made refundable which would allow us to adopt a baby girl sooner rather than later. If not though, it will be a while before we have the funds to move forward. Once again, we'll have to play the waiting game and hope and pray that we are chosen by a couple as fabulous as M & A. I know in my heart that if it's meant to be, it will all work out. Afterall, JT wouldn't be here with us otherwise! 

I guess we're just so good at jumping through hoops that God decided to throw a few more at us to keep us on our toes. I'll gladly continue to jump through them if it means we get to enjoy watching our boys grow and add a bouncing baby girl to our family as well :D