Growing In Our Hearts

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single moment,
you didn't grow under my heart but in it.

I'm sure a lot of people think I'm a bit nuts, but I firmly believe that our dreams are more than just our subconscious working through the issues we face in our daily lives.  I believe that sometimes our dreams are glimpses into the future.  I am pretty sure I had just such a dream the other night.

For the past several years, I have had recurring dreams about a baby girl.  I am pretty confident these dreams were my mind's way of working through my feelings surrounding our daughter Madelynn's death.  The other night, however, I had a dream about twin boys.  The dream was extremely vivid and I still remember it quite clearly.  Mason and I went to the hospital  to meet the birth mother who had chosen us, as well as the babies as they had already been born.  Shane was on his way from work and was going to meet us there.  I took a wrong turn and got lost along the way and  I had to stop and ask for directions. I can still picture the street signs in my mind, although the only detail I remember is that the number 600 was in the address of the hospital. It was either early Spring or late Fall because Mason and I were both wearing coats. When we got there, we went straight to the birth mother's hospital room.  As we rounded the corner and headed towards her room, a male nurse was coming out with the babies in one of those little hospital cribs.  He was taking them back to the nursery.  I can still picture them both vividly.  They were biracial and they were sleeping peacefully facing each other.  We went into the room to meet the birth mother.  I can still picture her vividly as well. Her coloring led me to believe that she was of Hispanic decent and her hair was cut in a cute pixie hair style.  She introduced herself and I remember her name was long; she had 4 names and one of them was Theresa. She was in her late 20s or early 30s and was very sweet. She was taken with Mason and started asking him questions about his iPad.

I woke up from this dream at about 5 in the morning and wasn't able to go back to sleep.  It was just so real!!  Call it women's intuition or whatever you want to, but ever since we began the adoption journey, I have had a strong feeling that we will be adopting a biracial child. We are 100% open to it and have been from day one.  I told Shane about my dream as soon as he woke up.  Over the past 6 months, I've asked him how he would feel if we were chosen to adopt twins, but he hasn't really considered that it might be a possibility. When I asked him again the other morning after telling him about my dream, he seemed to have more of an open mind. I know some will probably think I am just getting my hopes up, but I am choosing to take this dream as a sign.  I can't say for sure that every detail will come true, but I know that we are VERY open to the possibility.

Our future child(ren) is most definitely growing in our hearts and we are anxiously awaiting their arrival!!

Big Brother in Training

Mason is SO ready to be a big brother. Every time we are out and about, he is drawn to any and all of the babies that he sees. If we go somewhere that he is able to interact with other children, he gravitates towards the younger ones instead of those his own age or older. For some reason, he just feels more comfortable around them and gets along with them better than his peers.

In the last few days, I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of how Mason will be with his future baby brother or sister. Yesterday, when we were at the gym, there were two toddlers sitting in a round play mat. Some older children were jumping off a piece of play equipment into the mat and landing on the toddlers. Understandably, the toddlers were frightened and upset. I tried to get the older children to stop jumping but they wouldn't listen to me since they didn't know me. After a few minutes, they got tired of the jumping and went to play elsewhere. One of the mothers came to get her son and consoled him and then put him in a safer place. The other toddler, a little girl, had crawled up onto the play equipment to get away from the older kids. She was crying but her mother must not have been able to hear her. She climbed down after a few minutes and went back to the play mat. Mason went over and got a book that was laying on the floor and gave it to her. He knew she was upset and wanted to cheer her up.

During today's visit to the gym there were several children Mason's age as well as a baby who looked to be about 10 or 11 months old. There was a ball that Mason had remembered from our trip to the gym yesterday and he went right for it. Before he got to it though, the baby found it. Mason came over to me and told me he wanted to play with the ball. I told him he had to share. At that point, the baby bounced the ball and it rolled to the other side of the enclosure. Mason went and got the ball and took it right back to the baby. The baby didn't take it at first so Mason took his hands and put them on the ball so the baby would have to take it. He came over to me immediately after to be sure that I had seen him sharing. I made it a point to tell him, "Good sharing!!" For the next 10-15 minutes, the baby bounced the ball and Mason went and got it. Each time he brought it back, he gently placed it in the baby's hands. Watching the two of them interact was just so cute!! I tried to get a picture but the play equipment seemed to always block my shot.

As I watched him with that baby boy today, I felt like I was getting a glimpse of the near future and I couldn't help but tear up. I have always known that Mason would be an absolutely phenomenal big brother, but the last few days have confirmed it for me. He is so gentle and has such a big heart. He's already a great helper too. I'm sure he's going to be eager to help with feedings and diaper changes and he'll probably want to read bed time stories to the baby too. I can't wait until we are able to bring Mason's baby brother or sister home and officially make him the big brother that he desperately longs to be!!

Trials and Tribulations

It has occurred to me recently that it is somewhat taboo to share your trials and tribulations. Most people keep things private and look down upon others who don't do the same. In my humble opinion, it is essential to share not only the joys in life, but also the hardships. So many people nowadays feel isolated or alone. It's no wonder when they feel like they shouldn't express their sadness or frustration or anger about life circumstances. By sharing the bad times, as well as the good, you may be helping someone feel a little less alone.

I realize not everyone is comfortable sharing their personal feelings or thoughts about experiences. At the same time, those that are comfortable should not be ridiculed for doing so. My husband and I have had our fair share of hardships; some might even say we've surpassed our quota. Our experiences include battling cancer, the death of more than one parent, infertility, high risk pregnancy, preterm delivery of twins, the NICU, the death of a child, the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder in our surviving child, the loss of a career, and the journey of adoption just to name a few. We have shared all of these experiences with family and friends through social media and blogs. It was the easiest way to keep everyone informed because we are all scattered across the county.

I know to some it may seem like by sharing our personal struggles we are simply trying to gain attention. That is most definitely not the case. I have always been a very emotional person, and as such, have openly shared my thoughts and feelings regarding all of the above mentioned circumstances. I'm sure often times I have made people uncomfortable with my openness, but that has never been my intention. I firmly believe that by sharing the pain I have experienced, I may in some way spare someone else from having to endure the same, or at the very least help them to better prepare. In many cases, my goal is to simply help someone feel a little less alone.

Several of the hardships we have endured are taboo subjects in and of themselves. Not many people are comfortable talking about infertility, the death of a child or autism. People who have not encountered any of the three simply can't fathom what it must be like; however, for those of us who have, it's important to know that we're not alone. When we first began our struggles with infertility, I kept the details to myself. After a few years though, I realized how important it was to share such personal information. Since I began openly sharing our struggle to start a family, I have had several friends and acquaintances confide in me and ask me for advice. They knew I would understand better than their family members and friends who couldn't identify with what they were going through. Unfortunately, I have met far too many people who have experienced the death of a child or are raising a child on the spectrum. We are members of exclusive clubs and we would do anything in our power to be able to spare someone the heartache that we endure on a daily basis. We share our experiences as a way to educate others and to try to break down the barriers that make such subjects taboo in the first place.

Life is not all sunshine and roses. While it is important to acknowledge the joys in life, it is equally important to acknowledge the trials and tribulations. After all, it is the hardships in life that put our strength and character to the test, and help us reach our full potential. We all should feel free to share our experiences, whether they be good or bad, with whomever we choose to do so without the fear of being called a drama queen. Life and death, and all that comes between, surrounds us and we should take the time to not only experience what God has planned for us, but to learn about others' experiences as well. Only in doing so will we truly live our lives to the fullest and be able to encourage, support and empathize with others.

I for one plan to continue to share my joys AND my trials and tribulations, despite the fact that I'm certain some people consider me a drama queen or an attention whore. I don't share my experiences to gain attention or sympathy, I do so in the hopes that I can help others. If I am able to help even one person feel less alone, then I have accomplished my goal.

Our Story

Shane and I met when we were juniors in high school. We were actually set up on a blind date. My friend Jaime hounded me for weeks to let her fix me up with this guy that she insisted would be perfect for me. He was a friend of a friend so I was hesitant, but I finally agreed. The plan was for Shane to come with their mutual friend to one of our volleyball games. Jaime described him as tall with dirty blonde hair. She told me that if I was interested, she would introduce us after the game, but if not she would say I was one of our other friends who ironically had the same first name as me. (Sorry Sherri!) Shane came with two friends and one of them fit the description Jaime gave me. She had apparently never actually met Shane. I wasn't interested in the other guy but as fate would have it, Shane did catch my eye. Thankfully, I caught his as well and Jaime introduced us after the game. We talked for a few minutes and he walked me to my locker. As he was getting ready to leave with his friends, Jaime ran out and asked if he wanted my number and he said yes.  He called me the next night and we talked for over three hours. The rest, as they say, is history.

Although we met when we were very young, we knew that we were meant to be together. We were warned repeatedly that high school sweethearts never last, but we managed to prove them all wrong. We survived a long distance relationship for several months when we first went away to college. After the first semester, I ended up transferring to the university that Shane was attending. While many people (including my own mother at the time) assumed I only transferred to be with Shane, that was not the case. The college that I had originally gone to wound up not being the right fit for me and the university that Shane had chosen had been my second choice. In all honestly, those first few months after I transferred put our relationship to the test. We had to readjust to seeing each other every day and I had to try to find my place with his new group of friends as well as make new friends of my own. We had a few rough patches but we worked things out and we were engaged our junior year of college. Our plan was to get married a few months after graduation. I was told by several family members and friends that we would never make it that far but we had the last laugh. We were married just two months after we graduated college; five and a half years after we first met. We've faced many obstacles over the last twenty years, but we have beaten the odds time and time again.

About six months after we were married, my mother unexpectedly passed away. She and I had always been extremely close and losing her shook me to the core. We hadn't actively been trying to start a family prior to my mother's death, but shortly there after we began to try. We weren't able to try for very long though because Shane left for Air Force Officer Training School a few months later. That separation was pretty tough considering I was grieving but we made it through and moved to our first duty station. We continued to try to start a family for another six months or so with no luck and finally decided to see a doctor. The doctor gave us a few recommendations and told us to come back in six months if we still weren't successful and that she would then refer us to a specialist. At the time we were stationed at a base with a fully functioning hospital which also included a fertility clinic. We got our referral and underwent five months of minimally-invasive fertility treatments to no avail. By this point we had been married for about three years and the frustration of trying to start a family with no success, coupled with the fertility treatments, had started to take it's toll. We decided it was time to take a break and focus on our marriage. Shane got orders to a different base and we moved. About two years into that assignment, Shane got orders to go to Iraq. The deployment was rough on both of us but thankfully Shane came home safe and sound. We decided then that it was time to try again to start a family.

Once again we tried several cycles of minimally-invasive fertility treatments, but after the third failed attempt we decided it was time to move on to IVF. We were terrified but we knew it was the next step. Thankfully, we were successful on our first attempt. We had four viable embryos and on the advice of our doctor, we elected to transfer two of them. The two-week wait was pure torture!!! I was pessimistic and kept insisting that it didn't work. Shane was my rock though and refused to believe that it wasn't a success. When day fourteen finally arrived and I got the results of my blood test, I was ecstatic. I was teaching at the time and I wasn't supposed to be on my cell phone so I emailed Shane instead. All I said was, "You can say I told you so!" He was scheduled to leave for his second deployment to Iraq in about a month but luckily we had an ultrasound at around five weeks. The doc needed to determine whether there was one baby or two. I fully expected there to only be one but Shane insisted that I was carrying twins. When we saw both babies on the monitor, I almost fell off the examining table but Shane once again got to say, "I told you so!"

Shane left for Iraq a few weeks later and we naively assumed that things would go smoothly while he was gone. After all, we had waited seven and a half years at that point to finally be pregnant. We had paid our dues and it was time to just sit back and enjoy the pregnancy and look to the future. Boy, were we wrong!! Just a few short weeks after Shane left I had a threatened miscarriage. He almost came home from Iraq but the doctor put me on bed rest for about a month and everything was stable. The babies were growing and so was my belly!! I sent Shane pics and gave him updates on my doctor's appointments. He was scheduled to return from his deployment around my sixth month of pregnancy. We hadn't planned to find out the babies' genders but my doctor had to deliver a baby in the middle of my eighteen week appointment. (It was the woman's seventh baby so my doc said he would be back in about twenty minutes, and he was!!) By the time he returned he forgot that we didn't want to know and told me that Baby B was a boy. At that point I figured I might as well find out what Baby A was too. Shane had insisted that they were both girls and I kept telling him that it was a boy and a girl. It was finally my turn to say, "I told you so!!"

Unfortunately, our happiness was short lived. I wound up in the hospital on bed rest just a week and a half later and was on the verge of losing one or both of the babies. I was worried that something was wrong and I called the on call doctor who advised me to go to L&D. The doc came in to check me fully expecting everything to be fine and to be able to chalk it up to first time pregnancy anxiety. He was shocked when he discovered that I was one centimeter dilated. I was hooked up to a monitor and spent the night in the hospital. Thank God we had some amazing friends who were there for me because I don't think I could have made it through the next few days without them.

My regular OB/GYN came to see me the next morning and warned me that there was nothing that could be done. That this type of thing normally didn't happen until around twenty-eight weeks and since I was only nineteen weeks along, I would likely lose one if not both of the babies. His plan was just to keep me in the hospital on bed rest and hope for the best. Thankfully, by then I was also being followed by a maternal fetal medicine doctor. I had seen him for the first time two weeks prior and he had warned me that I might end up on bed rest in the hospital so I was prepared. He was a phenomenal doctor and Shane and I will never be able to repay him for the miracle that he gave us. Unlike my regular OB/GYN, he refused to adopt the wait and see approach. He decided to do a cervical cerclage and started me on magnesium to stop the contractions that I wasn't even aware I was having. While he was going over the procedure with me, Shane called me from Iraq. He was in the process of working with the Red Cross to come home a month early from his deployment. The doctor asked if he could talk to Shane and explain the situation and the procedure.  I can't even put into words how much that conversation meant to both Shane and I. The doc knew how scared we both were and he was trying to do everything he could to alleviate our fears. By the time they got me back to surgery and placed the cerclage, I was already four centimeters dilated and ninety percent effaced. If they hadn't done the procedure when they did, I would have likely delivered both babies before Shane ever got home from Iraq. Thankfully the procedure was a success and Shane made it home the next evening.

I spent the next five weeks in the hospital, pretty much upside down almost the entire time. I tried as hard as I could to keep my precious cargo safe where they belonged but unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse at twenty-four weeks. Despite being on magnesium, I was still having contractions. They became quite severe and our baby girl's heart rate was decelerating. There was no choice but to do an emergency C-section in an attempt to save both babies. They were both extremely fragile and sick and faced multiple complications and surgeries over the course of their NICU stay. Sadly our daughter, Madelynn, was much sicker than Shane or I ever realized and she succumbed to the effects of their extreme prematurity just a little over three months later. Our son, Mason, spent a total of one hundred and forty days in the NICU before finally coming home. He truly is a miracle. He overcame the odds and is a happy, healthy six-year old today. His smile and laughter are infectious. He is smart as a whip and quite the little ladies’ man, but that’s understandable given the fact that he was surrounded by all those pretty nurses for so many months!!

We always knew we wanted to have more children but we needed time to grieve Madelynn's death. After about four years, we decided to seek fertility treatments again. We still had two embryos left from our first attempt at IVF, and we felt very strongly that those souls deserved a chance at life. We decided ahead of time that we would only try fertility treatments once more. We knew the toll that it could take on our marriage and we didn't want to force Mason to endure the roller coaster ride along with us. We attempted a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) about a year ago and were successful, but sadly that attempt ended in an early miscarriage. We have always wanted to adopt and have talked about doing so ever since college. We were blessed with Madelynn and Mason but we feel very strongly that our family is not yet complete. Mason asks frequently for a baby brother or sister and we want nothing more than to welcome another child into our home. We decided about six months ago that it was time to begin our journey to welcome the next member of our family.

It has been a long road, but Shane and I, and Mason as well, have grown stronger along the way. We have faced many obstacles but managed to continually beat the odds. Our love for each other, and for Mason, grows more each day and we look forward to the opportunity to share that love with another child. We know in our hearts that we are meant to be parents to another precious little one and we are patiently awaiting the day that he or she finds us.

Pass Along Cards

This month has been quite hectic for our family. Mason came down with a nasty stomach virus the first week of February. It hit him really hard and we actually ended up having to take him to the ER for IV fluids the first day because he just couldn't keep anything down. It lasted five days total for him and then about two days after he had fully recovered, Shane came down with it. He also had to go to the ER for IV fluids. That was the nastiest stomach virus I have EVER encountered!! I'm still now sure how, but thankfully I never fell victim to it. We spent last week just trying to get back into our routines, so we haven't had much time to concentrate on our search for Mason's future sibling. Now that things have gotten back to normal, it's full steam ahead!!

During our last visit with our social worker in October, she told me to call her if we hadn't found an expectant mother in six months time. She works with several smaller adoption agencies and she is going to give us a list of about half a dozen or so to contact. These smaller agencies utilize her to conduct their home studies so they will accept the one that she conducted for us. Next month marks six months so I will be giving her a call soon. We've been talking recently about having Pass Along cards made so I think we will try that first before we contact her.

Pass Along cards are essentially business cards for hopeful adoptive couples. We'll have to decide on the best picture to represent our family and include our contact info. I haven't decided yet whether to include our Facebook page or this blog address. I plan to give them to family and friends and post them to bulletin boards. If by chance we go out to eat, I figure I can leave one with the check as well. Hopefully the Pass Along cards will help us spread the word.

Mason is more than ready to meet his sibling, although he does keep asking specifically for a baby brother :) We saw a baby boy when we were out and about this weekend and Mason's face lit up. Later that day while we were snuggling, he mentioned wanting a baby brother. I asked him if he was going to be okay with having to share me with a baby brother and he immediately responded with, "Yeah!" I then asked if he was going to share his toys with his baby brother and got the same enthusiastic response. When I asked if it would be okay if he got a baby sister instead of a baby brother, he took a few seconds to respond but it was still a "Yeah!" He's been asking for a baby brother for so long now that I don't think it occurred to him that he could end up with a baby sister instead :) Either way, I know he's going to be an AWESOME big brother.

Baby Steps

We began our adoption journey in the summer of 2012. We made inquiries with several local adoption agencies to no avail. We were told by one that they were no longer accepting couples into their program due to a decline in the number of adoptions nationwide. Another informed us that we weren't eligible to adopt through them because we weren't practicing members of their religion. Yet another only accepts couples into their program once in the Spring and then again in the Fall. At the time we contacted them, they had just concluded the Fall session. The last agency that we contacted was WAY out of our budget range.

We were honestly starting to wonder if we were wrong in thinking that God had led us to adoption. Then I spoke with a friend who was in the process of adopting a baby girl. She and her husband had gone through minimally invasive fertility treatments for a few years and ultimately decided that God was calling them to adopt. Miraculously, the day after they decided to pursue adoption, they found the woman who has since become their birth mother. They chose to adopt through an attorney and she urged us to pursue that route. We quickly decided to do so as the agency route had been filled with roadblocks.

Towards the end of August we met with an adoption attorney. She has been helping couples build their families through adoption for over 20 years. After speaking with her, both on the phone and in person, I definitely felt like we were on the right track. She explained the process to us and answered all of our questions. While she doesn't actively match prospective adoptive couples with expectant mothers, she does keep profiles on hand in case an expectant mother contacts her looking for an adoptive couple. She urged us to network as much as possible and to tell everyone we knew that we were hoping to adopt. She also gave us the contact info of a local agency who conducts home studies. As soon as we got home that night we created a Facebook page as well as our profile and sent her a copy via email. We then contacted the agency the following day to begin the home study process.

I have to admit that I was dreading the home study. In fact, over the years, each time that we considered adoption it was the home study that ultimately kept us from pursuing it. We were just uncomfortable with someone judging us and determining whether or not we were fit to be parents. Looking back, I now know we just weren't ready to follow the path that God had set for us. The home study was NO WHERE near as bad as we had always imagined. Our social worker was extremely nice and down to Earth and very easy to talk to. We met with her three times for about an hour and a half each visit. We talked about our childhood experiences, our families, our struggles with fertility, our parenting styles, our reasons for pursuing adoption and our preferences for adoption. She is an adoptive parent herself so she totally understands the entire process as well as all of the emotions associated with it.

As part of the home study, we were required to do ten hours of training. We could do a combination of watching DVDs, reading books and writing a short report, and online training. Due to our willingness to pursue both biracial and open adoption, our social worker loaned us several DVDs which addressed both subjects. The DVDs were quite eye opening to say the least. Both Shane and I were offended by some of the viewpoints presented but as a result we were forced to evaluate our own beliefs and values and desires for our family. While the DVDs gave us plenty of food for thought, the books we chose to read gave us even more. Both were in depth looks at open adoption and also frequently addressed the obstacles presented in biracial adoption. While I can't say that we are completely prepared for every scenario, I do feel that when our future son or daughter finally finds us, we will be able to face any obstacles that come our way as a united front.

It has now been almost six months since we began our adoption journey and we are still eagerly waiting for our precious miracle to find us. We set the nursery up before our home study and each time our six-year-old son sees the crib he asks, "Do you want the baby to get right in?" He can't wait to be a big brother!! We have been networking as much as possible and spreading the word through Facebook, our church, and all of our friends, family, acquaintances and coworkers. We also posted our profile to a site called Hoping to Adopt. We have had such a tremendous outpouring of support that it is truly humbling at times. Countless friends have shared our Facebook page and adoption profile multiple times and several friends have gone above and beyond in helping us locate an expectant mother. We had a few friends contact us in November with possible adoption opportunities but neither panned out. Nevertheless, we will not lose hope. We have faith that we are on the right path and that one day soon we will get to meet our new son or daughter and our little man will get to meet his new baby brother or sister. Until then, we will continue to take baby steps to complete our adoption journey!!

The Baby Wait

We took the plunge and hopped on the adoption roller coaster ride.

We did a lot of soul searching and decided that private infant adoption was the path we wanted to pursue. We contacted 4 different adoption agencies before ultimately deciding to pursue private adoption. Upon initial contact, the first agency told me to contact them again in a few months. When I did so I was informed that they were no longer accepting couples into their program due to the decline in the number of adoptions taking place nationwide. The second agency I contacted was more than willing to work with us until they found out that we weren't married in their church and didn't actively practice their faith. The third agency was very positive and more than willing to work with us but they only accept couples into their program two times a year, once in the Spring and once in the Fall. We had just missed the Fall cutoff date. The woman I spoke to told me we could still do an interview with her and then if they decided to accept us into their program we'd just have to apply again in the Spring. The fourth agency is a well known national agency but they are also EXTREMELY expensive!! While money should not be the determining factor when choosing to adopt, we have to be realistic as well. We can't afford to spend upwards of $30K and still be able to send both of our children to college some day!!

After deciding that private adoption through an attorney was the best route for us, we met with a reputable local adoption attorney at the end of August and began networking the very next day. The first thing we did was create a Facebook page. We asked ALL of our friends to like the page and share it as well. We also told our priest at church about our desire to adopt as well as any friends and family who aren't on Facebook.

We began our home study in September and were officially home study approved by the end of October. We contacted several other attorneys as well as suggested by our social worker. She highly recommended searching for attorneys through the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. We researched adoption law in various states and then chose 6 attorneys to contact. We wanted to work with attorneys in states where the law is fair to both the birth parents and prospective adoptive parents. We decided to email the attorneys because it was the easiest form of communication for us given the fact that several were out of state. We only heard back from one though and since it was around Thanksgiving, we decided to wait until after the new year to try contacting them again. We will be calling them to try to set up consultations at the end of this week.

I have to admit that I'm starting to get discouraged. I knew we wouldn't find an expectant mother overnight but it's been almost 4 months since we started the process and we have yet to even come close to finding a match. We did have two friends who live in different states call us in early November with possible adoption opportunities, but neither of them panned out. I'm trying to be patient but that's MUCH easier said than done.

We've told everyone we know that we're hoping to adopt and we are now looking into a few websites that allow you to post a profile. We're a bit leery of doing that though because we'll be opening ourselves up to the possibility of scams. Our social worker wants us to contact her in March if we haven't found a match by then. She is going to give us a list of adoption agencies that she works with who will accept our home study.

Shane and I pray on a daily basis that we will find a match soon. Mason still asks quite frequently for a baby brother or sister as well. I know in my heart that the baby that is meant to join our family is out there somewhere waiting for us too. With any luck, we will all find each other soon!! Hopefully, by this time next year, I will be blogging about 2 am feedings and how tired I am from lack of sleep :)