Some days it truly feels like we're living on an island. While we have several close friends who love and support us, we often still feel so alone. Most of our family and friends from home don't understand what our lives are like on a daily basis. Many of them think I post things online just to get attention, which couldn't be further from the truth. I'm simply giving my loved ones a glimpse into our lives and hoping that some day they'll truly understand.
While neither Shane nor I would change a thing about the journey we have been on together, that doesn't mean it hasn't taken it's toll on both of us. We will never again be able to see the world through rose colored glasses. In fact, we (or I should say I) spend most of the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mason has made SO much progress in the past few years and he is SO smart. We've never questioned his intelligence; however, he still doesn't do the things that a typical 6-year-old does. I try so hard not to compare him to other children his age but it's hard not to, especially when I am taking him to school and picking him up twice a day. I am constantly reminded that he doesn't talk or play like his peers and I can't help but feel like I've failed him; that he's missing out on the experiences and milestones of a typical childhood.
Mason's schedule is beyond hectic at this point. He goes to school Monday through Friday from 10:15 - 11 and then again from 12:30 - 1:40, with the exception of Tuesdays when he stays until 2:30. He is getting time in the regular classroom as well as one-on-one instruction. He also goes for Music, PE, Art, Media and Computers as well as Speech and OT. (We fit our homeschooling lessons in before and after he goes to school.)
On top of that, he began going for medically-based Speech therapy a few weeks ago too and will be starting medically-based OT next month as well. The sad part is, even though we are doing all of that, I still feel like somehow it's not enough. I feel like we dropped the ball and I am trying frantically to get things back on track. Is it any wonder that I feel like he's missing out on the childhood he should have had?
Thankfully, Mason seems to be thriving despite the fact that our days are anything but typical. He enjoys going to school and hasn't experienced sensory overload yet, most likely due to the fact that he goes in short intervals. He is responding very well to his teachers and they are impressed with how well he is performing in Reading and Math. He enjoys going to medically-based Speech, and in fact has a melt down after each session because he doesn't want to leave. We've only been doing this schedule for about 2.5 weeks now so we're not sure if it will continue to be feasible in the long-run, but I guess time will tell.
Even though I know we're doing what's best for Mason, I can't help but feel isolated. We don't really fit in with our friends who send their children to public school full-time and we don't fit in with the home school community either. The school has been awesome in working with us to create a schedule that is beneficial for Mason but I know they think we're a bit crazy. His special education teacher mentioned last week that it can't be easy for me. Truthfully, it's not but as long as he's thriving, I'll continue to make it work. I can only hope that some day all of our efforts pay off and Mason will be able to live a full life. If the only way to ensure that is for me to feel like we don't really fit in anywhere, then so be it. His happiness is worth it!!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Some of God's Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers!
We got the call yesterday afternoon that we've been waiting for, WE WERE CHOSEN!!!! When our consultant told me the good news, I instantly got chills and I was shaking and of course started crying. I couldn't WAIT to tell Shane. He was pretty elated too!
Throughout this year-long journey, we've heard repeatedly that our baby would find us when the time was right. We actually heard about the couple who chose us about 8 hours before we were notified about the stork drop situation. I thought we were being presented to them that same afternoon and when we were contacted about the baby girl who was already born, I assumed they hadn't chosen us. I prayed incessantly Thursday morning that we would be chosen for the stork drop situation. Evidently, God knew she wasn't meant to join our family as he already had another sweet little one chosen for us instead.
We still need to fill out some paperwork and such before we are "officially" matched but I just spoke with the expectant mother and it was like talking to an old friend. She and I have a lot in common. When I told Shane about our conversation and forwarded him the pics she texted me, he said they seem like people we would hang out with. This is SO what I was hoping for!!! Our journey's not over yet, but barring any unforeseen obstacles we are living proof that some of God's greatest gifts truly are unanswered prayers!!
Friday, August 30, 2013
What Might Have Been . . .
We will have been on our adoption journey for exactly a year tomorrow. We came SO close this week to finally completing our family. We were being considered for a stork drop situation, which means the baby was already born. The birth mother ended up choosing another family though. As hard as I tried not to get my hopes up, it was pretty much impossible. The worst part was, I already felt a connection to this sweet baby girl. I had never laid eyes on her, and had only just found out about her 24-hours earlier, but I really thought she was meant to join our family.
I was pretty upset last night when we found out that we hadn't been chosen. It felt like once again we had a huge carrot dangled in front of us, only to have it snatched away at the last minute. I couldn't understand why I would have felt such a strong connection if she was never meant to be ours. Then it hit me. While I NEVER want to try to replace Madelynn, nor would it EVER be possible, this baby girl represented a second chance for us. She was born 3 weeks premature and would be spending a few weeks in the NICU. If we had been chosen to adopt her, we would have had an opportunity that we never got with Madelynn; we would have actually been able to bring our baby girl home from the NICU. It would by no means have erased the pain and heartache we carry with us on a daily basis, and likely will until the day we die, but it might have helped heal the hole in our hearts just a tiny bit.
Shane and I both had already been trying to figure out the logistics as far as going to meet our new daughter. We were trying to decide whether it would be easiest to fly or drive. We were both leaning towards driving as when you adopt out of state you have to worry about ICPC, which stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. In a nutshell, the laws in the state that you're adopting from and the state you live in need to jive. The sending state needs to send paperwork to the receiving state who then needs to approve the adoption before you are allowed to go home. ICPC can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks Given the fact that we would need clothes and such for all four of us, plus all the paraphernalia that goes along with a newborn, we had pretty much figured that driving would be our best bet.
Shane had also called our insurance company to find out what we would need in order to add her to ensure she was covered. While he was remaining calm and collected about the whole thing, I of course was already in panic mode. Depending on when we would have been able to go meet her, Mason and I might have had to go alone as Shane wouldn't have been done with class for a few more weeks. On top of that, we have barely any baby girl clothes aside from maybe a dozen preemie and newborn outfits. I was trying to figure out whether we should buy a bunch of stuff before we left or just wait until we got there and get everything. Needless to say, we were both pretty stressed out and anxious all day.
My heart still aches today and will likely do so for several more weeks. We were certain that our precious miracle was within our grasp, but alas, she was meant to be someone else's miracle instead. Until we are finally matched, I will be thinking about that sweet baby girl and wondering what might have been . . .
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I was pretty upset last night when we found out that we hadn't been chosen. It felt like once again we had a huge carrot dangled in front of us, only to have it snatched away at the last minute. I couldn't understand why I would have felt such a strong connection if she was never meant to be ours. Then it hit me. While I NEVER want to try to replace Madelynn, nor would it EVER be possible, this baby girl represented a second chance for us. She was born 3 weeks premature and would be spending a few weeks in the NICU. If we had been chosen to adopt her, we would have had an opportunity that we never got with Madelynn; we would have actually been able to bring our baby girl home from the NICU. It would by no means have erased the pain and heartache we carry with us on a daily basis, and likely will until the day we die, but it might have helped heal the hole in our hearts just a tiny bit.
Shane and I both had already been trying to figure out the logistics as far as going to meet our new daughter. We were trying to decide whether it would be easiest to fly or drive. We were both leaning towards driving as when you adopt out of state you have to worry about ICPC, which stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. In a nutshell, the laws in the state that you're adopting from and the state you live in need to jive. The sending state needs to send paperwork to the receiving state who then needs to approve the adoption before you are allowed to go home. ICPC can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks Given the fact that we would need clothes and such for all four of us, plus all the paraphernalia that goes along with a newborn, we had pretty much figured that driving would be our best bet.
Shane had also called our insurance company to find out what we would need in order to add her to ensure she was covered. While he was remaining calm and collected about the whole thing, I of course was already in panic mode. Depending on when we would have been able to go meet her, Mason and I might have had to go alone as Shane wouldn't have been done with class for a few more weeks. On top of that, we have barely any baby girl clothes aside from maybe a dozen preemie and newborn outfits. I was trying to figure out whether we should buy a bunch of stuff before we left or just wait until we got there and get everything. Needless to say, we were both pretty stressed out and anxious all day.
My heart still aches today and will likely do so for several more weeks. We were certain that our precious miracle was within our grasp, but alas, she was meant to be someone else's miracle instead. Until we are finally matched, I will be thinking about that sweet baby girl and wondering what might have been . . .
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Taking it One Day at a Time
Things have been super hectic for the past several months which is why I've neglected the blog. We had a possible baby-born situation pop up mid-June. A friend who is also trying to adopt had been matched with an expectant mother towards the end of May. About a week after being matched though she and her husband were told by their attorney that it was a scam. The expectant mother had never been pregnant but had purchased medical records and an ultrasound online. They were pretty shook up but thankfully they had another expectant mother who had been interested in matching with them as well. They matched with her and were anxiously awaiting the delivery of their precious little one.
A week before that baby was scheduled to be delivered, they were contacted by the first expectant mother. She had in fact been pregnant after all and had delivered a few days earlier. She wanted to know if they were still interested in adopting the baby. Since they couldn't afford to adopt both, my friend asked if we were interested. Of course we were!! I sent her a link to our online profile and she forwarded it to the birth mother. As it turned out, she still really wanted my friend and her husband to be the parents of her little one and since they weren't available, she decided to parent herself.
That was the closest we'd gotten so far and to still end up empty handed was kind of a tough pill to swallow. We had signed on with an adoption consultant at the end of May though so we just picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off and jumped back in feet first. We had a few situations pop up with our consultant over the next few weeks, one of which we asked her to submit our profile for but nothing came of that either. Things were pretty quiet until the second week in August. Our consultant sent us info on a specific expectant mother that she thought we might be interested in. We prayed about it for a day but it just didn't seem like the right fit. We let her know that night and the next afternoon she sent us info on another expectant mother and told us if we were interested to submit our profile. We did so and were contacted by the agency that the expectant mother had signed on with. We tried to speak with the expectant mother several times over the next few days but it just never worked out. The agency had several other situations that they thought we might be interested in, one in particular that was such a perfect fit that it seemed like it was too good to be true.
This particular expectant mother was looking for a couple in their 30s who could financially provide for her child. She enjoyed scrapbooking and wanted to pursue a bachelor's degree in Education. She couldn't have been a more perfect fit for our family!!! Over the course of the next several days we tried to officially match with this expectant mother but it just wasn't in the cards. After doing some research and getting mixed messages about fees and such as we were communicating with the agency, we just didn't feel like things were being handled ethically. As painful as it was to walk away, we had no choice.
We were pretty devastated by the last situation not working out and the last few weeks have been pretty rough. We even considered calling it quits a few times. We feel in our hearts though that we are meant to add one more precious little one to our family, so we're going to stay the course. We have begun researching a few different agencies and attorneys that have been highly recommended on several adoption forums that I frequent. We are strongly considering signing on with one of the agencies but we want to do a bit more research first. We don't want any surprises like we had with the last agency!!
In less than a week, on 31 August, we will have been on this journey for exactly one year. We sincerely hope and pray that we are getting closer to finding our precious little miracle!!! Until then, we will simply take things one day at a time.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
We began our adoption journey 11 months ago. It has most definitely been fraught with ups and downs. At first, we were really excited and filled with hope. As the months have gone by though, we've become frustrated and discouraged.
When we set out on this journey, we decided we would pursue an independent adoption rather than signing on with an agency. We contacted several local agencies last year before going the independent route, but were turned away by each for various reasons. After about 6 months of networking on our own, we researched a few more agencies at the suggestion of our social worker. We haven't been able to find an agency that we feel comfortable with though. They were all either out of our budget or we weren't comfortable with their practices. We decided to step up our networking efforts and signed on with an adoption consultant a few months ago, but we still have yet to actually speak with an expectant mother, much less be matched with one.
We've had countless friends suggest we pursue foster care but that is simply not an option for us. We want to be a forever family for a child, not just a temporary one. Neither Shane nor I can imagine welcoming another child into our home only to have to say goodbye a few short weeks or months later. There would be no way to explain to Mason why the child he considered his brother or sister was no longer living with us either. Is it sometimes possible to adopt through foster care but there are very rarely newborns available. We want a newborn. I'm sure most people think we're being selfish considering there are countless children in foster care who deserve a loving family; however, just because we aren't able to have a biological child, doesn't mean we shouldn't still be able to experience all of our future child's firsts. We also aren't equipped to handle the mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect that many children in foster care experience or the various other things they are exposed to. In my opinion, it takes a truly special individual/couple to be able to care for children in foster care. We simply are not one of those couples.
One of our biggest obstacles concerning newborn adoption is money. Adoption is expensive. I am a member of a private adoption page on FB that lists situations from various agencies and attorneys. Shane and I have been interested in several of the situations but we simply can't afford the fees associated with them. Just to give you an example, one such situation was over $40,000. It included $23,000 for the agency fee, $10,000 for birth mother expenses (living expenses, maternity clothes, and in some cases, lost wages), and $8500 for legal fees. Travel would be in addition to that and given the fact that it was an interstate adoption, it would have included a hotel stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. These types of situations are posted on the FB page almost daily. Given the fact that we are a one-income household and we still need to be able to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and save for Mason's future, we simply can't afford those kinds of fees. There was a situation posted recently that was within our budget but there are almost 500 members on that page so of course everyone pounced on the opportunity.
The other obstacle to realizing our dream of growing our family is that adoption comes with a considerable risk. Even if we finally find an expectant mother who chooses to place her child with us, there are no guarantees that she won't change her mind after the baby is born, or even beforehand. She is entitled to do so, but the thought of a failed match or placement is enough to drive a prospective adoptive parent insane! It seems like lately I'm seeing more and more instances of failed matches/placements and it's starting to freak me out. I know of a couple who just experienced their second failed placement and I just read about a couple on the FB page who has experienced 9 failed matches. I can't even fathom how we would find the strength to try again after even one failed match/placement, let alone multiple!!! In addition to that, the birth mother expenses are at-risk fees. They typically start once you are matched and continue until 6-8 weeks postpartum. Some states limit the amount an expectant mother can receive but in most cases the fees range from $3-10,000. If she changes her mind, that money is lost. It would take us quite a bit of time to recoup our losses in order to try again.
Shane and I have both felt over the past several years that God was leading us to adoption, but I can't help but wonder now if that was just wishful thinking on our part. Everyone keeps telling me that our baby will find us and we just need to be patient. That is SO much easier said than done though. Mason has been praying nightly for God to bring him a baby. It breaks my heart that we have no control over when/if he will ever have a baby brother or sister. We are just ready for our family to be complete. I can only hope and pray that our baby does indeed find us soon and that we are once again able to recapture that sense of excitement and hope and not be consumed by anxiety and fear that everything will fall apart at the last minute. I've read several times that adoption is not for the faint of heart. That is a drastic understatement. While adoption is the ultimate selfless act on the part of the birth mother and the most precious gift an adoptive couple can receive, it is most definitely a roller coaster ride. Throughout the last 11 months, we have most definitely experienced the good, the bad and the ugly and our journey isn't over yet. I truly am looking forward to the day that I am able to look back on all of this and realize that God brought us to it and through it and rejoice in the fact that our family is finally complete!!
When we set out on this journey, we decided we would pursue an independent adoption rather than signing on with an agency. We contacted several local agencies last year before going the independent route, but were turned away by each for various reasons. After about 6 months of networking on our own, we researched a few more agencies at the suggestion of our social worker. We haven't been able to find an agency that we feel comfortable with though. They were all either out of our budget or we weren't comfortable with their practices. We decided to step up our networking efforts and signed on with an adoption consultant a few months ago, but we still have yet to actually speak with an expectant mother, much less be matched with one.
We've had countless friends suggest we pursue foster care but that is simply not an option for us. We want to be a forever family for a child, not just a temporary one. Neither Shane nor I can imagine welcoming another child into our home only to have to say goodbye a few short weeks or months later. There would be no way to explain to Mason why the child he considered his brother or sister was no longer living with us either. Is it sometimes possible to adopt through foster care but there are very rarely newborns available. We want a newborn. I'm sure most people think we're being selfish considering there are countless children in foster care who deserve a loving family; however, just because we aren't able to have a biological child, doesn't mean we shouldn't still be able to experience all of our future child's firsts. We also aren't equipped to handle the mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect that many children in foster care experience or the various other things they are exposed to. In my opinion, it takes a truly special individual/couple to be able to care for children in foster care. We simply are not one of those couples.
One of our biggest obstacles concerning newborn adoption is money. Adoption is expensive. I am a member of a private adoption page on FB that lists situations from various agencies and attorneys. Shane and I have been interested in several of the situations but we simply can't afford the fees associated with them. Just to give you an example, one such situation was over $40,000. It included $23,000 for the agency fee, $10,000 for birth mother expenses (living expenses, maternity clothes, and in some cases, lost wages), and $8500 for legal fees. Travel would be in addition to that and given the fact that it was an interstate adoption, it would have included a hotel stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. These types of situations are posted on the FB page almost daily. Given the fact that we are a one-income household and we still need to be able to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and save for Mason's future, we simply can't afford those kinds of fees. There was a situation posted recently that was within our budget but there are almost 500 members on that page so of course everyone pounced on the opportunity.
The other obstacle to realizing our dream of growing our family is that adoption comes with a considerable risk. Even if we finally find an expectant mother who chooses to place her child with us, there are no guarantees that she won't change her mind after the baby is born, or even beforehand. She is entitled to do so, but the thought of a failed match or placement is enough to drive a prospective adoptive parent insane! It seems like lately I'm seeing more and more instances of failed matches/placements and it's starting to freak me out. I know of a couple who just experienced their second failed placement and I just read about a couple on the FB page who has experienced 9 failed matches. I can't even fathom how we would find the strength to try again after even one failed match/placement, let alone multiple!!! In addition to that, the birth mother expenses are at-risk fees. They typically start once you are matched and continue until 6-8 weeks postpartum. Some states limit the amount an expectant mother can receive but in most cases the fees range from $3-10,000. If she changes her mind, that money is lost. It would take us quite a bit of time to recoup our losses in order to try again.
Shane and I have both felt over the past several years that God was leading us to adoption, but I can't help but wonder now if that was just wishful thinking on our part. Everyone keeps telling me that our baby will find us and we just need to be patient. That is SO much easier said than done though. Mason has been praying nightly for God to bring him a baby. It breaks my heart that we have no control over when/if he will ever have a baby brother or sister. We are just ready for our family to be complete. I can only hope and pray that our baby does indeed find us soon and that we are once again able to recapture that sense of excitement and hope and not be consumed by anxiety and fear that everything will fall apart at the last minute. I've read several times that adoption is not for the faint of heart. That is a drastic understatement. While adoption is the ultimate selfless act on the part of the birth mother and the most precious gift an adoptive couple can receive, it is most definitely a roller coaster ride. Throughout the last 11 months, we have most definitely experienced the good, the bad and the ugly and our journey isn't over yet. I truly am looking forward to the day that I am able to look back on all of this and realize that God brought us to it and through it and rejoice in the fact that our family is finally complete!!
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Things We Take for Granted
No matter how hard we try not to, we often end up taking things for granted. Our family members, friends, job, financial security, health, and our future. We just assume that our loved ones will be with us for the long haul or that things will go according to our plans. We forget that no one lives forever and that Murphy's Law often applies to many aspects of our daily lives. It has certainly applied to multiple facets of my life, which only makes sense given the fact that my maiden name just happens to be Murphy. I swear I should get a tattoo that reads, "Anything and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong!"
I've always had a tendency to dwell on the future. No matter how hard I try to live in the moment, to be thankful for the blessings I have today, I always find myself wondering and worrying about the future. I spent most of my high school years worrying about and preparing for college. Due to that, I missed out on making countless memories with my nearest and dearest friends. Once in college, all I could think about was graduating and starting my teaching career. I can't even begin to imagine all of the things I missed out on during those four years. When Shane and I got engaged, my focus partially shifted to our wedding and our life together. Just six months after we were married, instead of relishing in our newlywed status, I was already focused on trying to start a family.
All along the way, I took if for granted that everything would go according to my plans. For the most part, everything did up until we began to try to have a baby. I had known early on in our relationship that we might have difficulty due to health issues on both sides. I naively assumed that somehow our plans would come to fruition despite any obstacles we might face. Enter Murphy's Law in a BIG way. Our plan was to have a baby by the time we were 25. Ha! As if!! My mother-in-law frequently says, "If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans." I'm sure Shane and I had him rolling on the floor laughing for years. We faced many obstacles and much heartache before we finally became parents. Looking back now, I can say without a doubt it was all worth it. We know how blessed we are to have Mason in our lives and we try very hard not to take him for granted.
I wish I could say after everything we went through that we learned our lesson as far as making plans, but apparently we still had a few tests ahead of us. We were naive enough to think that we had paid our dues with our first pregnancy and the loss of Madelynn and that once we were ready to give Mason a sibling, everything would fall into place. Once again, Murphy's Law set us straight. Nothing went according to our carefully orchestrated plans. God had a different plan for us to expand our family.
We have felt for quite some time that God was leading us to adoption but we were just too stubborn. We wanted to follow our own path. Once we finally came around to his plan, we were certain that the biggest obstacle that we faced was the home study. We thought if we could get through that, adoption would be attainable. You would think we would know better by now, but what can I say, we're suckers for punishment. We've been waiting now for almost a year and all we've encountered is near misses. Some days I can't help but feel anger and bitterness. So many others are able to conceive without difficulty and have uneventful pregnancies and deliveries. They don't take the time to realize how blessed they are but instead take those miracles and their children for granted.
Many don't realize and couldn't even begin to fathom what's it's like for those of us on the other side. Infertility is a roller coaster ride from Hell. From where I'm sitting, adoption isn't much better. The only difference is instead of constantly being physically poked and prodded, you are constantly mentally and emotionally poked and prodded. Not only is your privacy invaded with the home study process but you are faced with a huge amount of uncertainty and financial strain.
Adoption is NOT cheap and while I understand that there is a service being provided which incurs costs, some of the fees are astronomical. Just to give those of you who are unfamiliar with adoption expenses an idea of the cost involved, I'll give you an example of a situation I came across last night. The baby is due in about 3 weeks. The agency fee is $23,000, the legal fees are $8500 and the birth mother expenses are $10,000. This is not atypical either. Most adoptions cost upwards of $35-40,000. I don't know anyone who has that kind of cash laying around, and we certainly don't. The most we can afford is maybe half of that. Don't get me wrong, being able to give Mason a sibling would be worth EVERY penny but there is just no way we can afford that. We still need to keep a roof over our head and food on the table and be able to save for college for both children. If we could get a loan, that would be awesome, but it's not like banks are willing to take such a huge risk. There's no collateral involved. Financial concerns aside, we are taking a huge emotional risk. There is no guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind once the baby is born. If she does decide to parent, which is totally within her rights, we would be out all those fees and most likely couldn't afford to try again. I don't want to even contemplate the emotional devastation we would experience. It's a risk we have to take though in order to grow our family.
Sometimes I look back and I am amazed at all that we took for granted as far as the future was concerned. I can honestly say that we have finally learned our lesson. We don't take much of anything for granted anymore. I still wonder and worry about the future but I no longer make plans. I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to adopt and that Mason is meant to have a sibling, but I know that the when and where are not in my control. I just need to try to be patient and hope and pray constantly that when we are finally matched with an expectant mother, Murphy's Law doesn't try to rear it's ugly head again.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Grief - My Constant Companion
I came across this quote and it struck a chord with me:
No matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.
I truly feel that I have been in a constant state of grief for well over a decade now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my parents. My mother and I were extremely close and I would give anything to be able to confide in her and seek her advice and guidance, especially now that I'm a mother myself. I miss her smile and her laugh and the smell of her perfume. I ache to feel her arms around me and to hear her voice. My father and I didn't have the best relationship while I was younger but we did grow closer the last few years before he passed. I miss his sense of humor and the way he labeled and described things. He had a language all his own. Vin, who was more like a father to me than an uncle, was my mentor. I miss hearing him tell stories, sing silly songs or tell goofy jokes. He was very wise and he wasn't afraid to tell it like is was, political correctness be damned. While I miss them each and every day, I have more or less accepted their deaths. Having your parents pass before you is the natural order of things. I wish I could have had MUCH more time with each of them, but I have a lot of memories to keep them close. Unfortunately, memories can't console all types of grief.
I've also suffered from grief concerning fertility and pregnancy. When you are faced with fertility issues, you are forced to accept the fact that your dreams for a family may not ever be realized. You also forfeit your privacy once you start treatment. Not only are you poked and prodded constantly by doctors and nurses, but anyone who knows that you are struggling to start a family constantly asks you how things are going. Some are much more supportive than others when you struggle for as long as we did; however, I heard countless times from various people, "Maybe you're not meant to have children." For anyone who has suffered infertility, those words cut like a knife. When you want so badly to have a child and watch him/her grow, you are willing to do anything to make it a reality. Thankfully we were able to keep fighting and we ultimately won the battle; however, that victory came with a price. I was naive in thinking our biggest obstacle was conceiving. I envy those women who are able to enjoy their pregnancies. They get to focus on things like decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, packing a hospital bag and picking out the outfit their newborn will come home in. I wasn't able to experience any of those things during my pregnancy. That grief is mild though compared to what it's like when you lose your child.
I miss Madelynn every second of every day. I try to hold on to the memories that I have of her but unfortunately, there aren't that many. Three months was just not enough time. The only memories we have are of her hooked up to machines with tubes and wires everywhere. We didn't get to see her smile or hear her laugh. We didn't get to see her first step or hear her first word. We'll never know the little details like her favorite color or her favorite flavor of ice cream or whether or not she would have played with Barbies or preferred to play with Mason's cars instead. We'll never get to watch her grow into a woman, or choose a career, or get married. Shane will never get to walk her down the isle. We will forever be left with empty arms and broken dreams.
While we are blessed beyond measure to be able to watch Mason grow, our dreams for him have also been shattered. Not only was he robbed of his twin, but of a typical childhood as well. The reality is that he won't have the same experiences as his neurotypical peers. He doesn't have the same interests as they do, and as a result he is often excluded. It breaks my heart to see him always on the outside looking in. Every day we worry about his future and whether or not he will be able to live independently. We struggle with the decisions we have to make on his behalf, especially those concerning his education. We are so afraid of failing him again. Each time a new obstacle presents itself, we grieve for what should have been.
In our case, time does not heal all wounds. The pain and heartache does not fade away. The life we had envisioned for our family will never be a reality. Grief is simply a part of our every day lives and will likely remain so until we take our last breath.
No matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.
I truly feel that I have been in a constant state of grief for well over a decade now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my parents. My mother and I were extremely close and I would give anything to be able to confide in her and seek her advice and guidance, especially now that I'm a mother myself. I miss her smile and her laugh and the smell of her perfume. I ache to feel her arms around me and to hear her voice. My father and I didn't have the best relationship while I was younger but we did grow closer the last few years before he passed. I miss his sense of humor and the way he labeled and described things. He had a language all his own. Vin, who was more like a father to me than an uncle, was my mentor. I miss hearing him tell stories, sing silly songs or tell goofy jokes. He was very wise and he wasn't afraid to tell it like is was, political correctness be damned. While I miss them each and every day, I have more or less accepted their deaths. Having your parents pass before you is the natural order of things. I wish I could have had MUCH more time with each of them, but I have a lot of memories to keep them close. Unfortunately, memories can't console all types of grief.
I've also suffered from grief concerning fertility and pregnancy. When you are faced with fertility issues, you are forced to accept the fact that your dreams for a family may not ever be realized. You also forfeit your privacy once you start treatment. Not only are you poked and prodded constantly by doctors and nurses, but anyone who knows that you are struggling to start a family constantly asks you how things are going. Some are much more supportive than others when you struggle for as long as we did; however, I heard countless times from various people, "Maybe you're not meant to have children." For anyone who has suffered infertility, those words cut like a knife. When you want so badly to have a child and watch him/her grow, you are willing to do anything to make it a reality. Thankfully we were able to keep fighting and we ultimately won the battle; however, that victory came with a price. I was naive in thinking our biggest obstacle was conceiving. I envy those women who are able to enjoy their pregnancies. They get to focus on things like decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, packing a hospital bag and picking out the outfit their newborn will come home in. I wasn't able to experience any of those things during my pregnancy. That grief is mild though compared to what it's like when you lose your child.
I miss Madelynn every second of every day. I try to hold on to the memories that I have of her but unfortunately, there aren't that many. Three months was just not enough time. The only memories we have are of her hooked up to machines with tubes and wires everywhere. We didn't get to see her smile or hear her laugh. We didn't get to see her first step or hear her first word. We'll never know the little details like her favorite color or her favorite flavor of ice cream or whether or not she would have played with Barbies or preferred to play with Mason's cars instead. We'll never get to watch her grow into a woman, or choose a career, or get married. Shane will never get to walk her down the isle. We will forever be left with empty arms and broken dreams.
While we are blessed beyond measure to be able to watch Mason grow, our dreams for him have also been shattered. Not only was he robbed of his twin, but of a typical childhood as well. The reality is that he won't have the same experiences as his neurotypical peers. He doesn't have the same interests as they do, and as a result he is often excluded. It breaks my heart to see him always on the outside looking in. Every day we worry about his future and whether or not he will be able to live independently. We struggle with the decisions we have to make on his behalf, especially those concerning his education. We are so afraid of failing him again. Each time a new obstacle presents itself, we grieve for what should have been.
In our case, time does not heal all wounds. The pain and heartache does not fade away. The life we had envisioned for our family will never be a reality. Grief is simply a part of our every day lives and will likely remain so until we take our last breath.
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