Popularity Contest

Some days, it feels like waiting to be matched to adopt is the ultimate popularity contest. There are more waiting families than expectant mothers considering placing their babies for adoption. Each family is hoping & praying they'll stand out above the rest, but the truth is none of us know which detail about us or our family an expectant mother will connect with. 

It occurred to me yesterday while responding to a post on an online adoption forum, that to an outsider we must all look like high school girls vying for the attention of the most popular boy in school. An expectant mother posted looking for advice & several of us commented with our own perspective. Most of us that commented are currently waiting to be matched & all have links to our profiles either on FB or other profile hosting sites in our signatures.

I'm often hesitant to comment on an expectant mother's post b/c I'm sure others think I'm doing so only to get her to look at our profile & hopefully choose us. There was another post by a different expectant mother a few weeks back asking for sites to view online profiles. Of course everyone that commented was a prospective adoptive parent & they all suggested profile sites where they have their own profiles listed. The desperation was almost palpable. 

I must admit, some days the whole process gets to me. I will occasionally look at someone else's profile or, very once in a while like today, a profile that someone has paid for advertising on will pop up in my newsfeed on FB. It's impossible not to compare our profile to those other families' & wonder how we would rank in an expectant mother's eyes.

Obviously since we've already adopted once someone liked what they saw. This time around is different though since we're specifying girl. I also worry that the fact that we already have children & are no longer in our mid 20s to early 30s will be viewed as strikes against us. I guess time will tell. Until then, I will continue to keep hope alive that there is an expectant mother out there who will fall in love with our family & bless us with the ultimate gift. 

Before and After

Some days, I feel like I'm living someone else's life; or more accurately, an entirely different lifetime.

Very few things in my life have unfolded the way I had anticipated. I wasn't supposed to lose my mother in my early twenties, or my father and Vin within months of each other in my early thirties. I wasn't supposed to be blessed with the miracle of twins only to have to fight tooth and nail to stay pregnant long enough for them to survive, and then have to say goodbye to my daughter just a few short months after saying hello. I wasn't supposed to be raising my son as a twinless twin, or watching him struggle daily to overcome the effects of being born so prematurely. I wasn't supposed to live in constant fear that he will never be able to live the life he was meant to due to being on the spectrum. I wasn't supposed to deal with all of this profound loss and heartache while living thousands of miles away from my siblings and extended family, and nearest and dearest friends.

Some days, I truly feel like I have lost myself. I feel disconnected from my past and who I was, and who I had hoped to be. I feel isolated from, and forgotten by family and friends. I feel as if I am suspended between who I once was, and who I have become. It's almost as if my life has been split in two,  "before" and "after." I am not the person I once was, nor will I ever be again. More often than not, I find myself struggling to let go of people and places from my past. They no longer serve a purpose in my life, but I hold on for dear life out of fear and habit.

Somehow, someway, I need to find the strength and courage to let go and move on. It won't be easy since it will mean letting go of people I have known practically my entire life, but I am tired of being jealous and bitter on a daily basis when I scroll through my News Feed. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere, or like people are uncomfortable just being around me. I'm tired of second-guessing the things I say and feel and do. I am tired of living in my own shadow.

It is time for me to accept this life I was given, even if it wasn't what I had planned. It is time for me to be the woman, and wife and mother that my life has shaped me to be, and no longer worry about those who can't/won't accept me for who I am. It is time for me to make the most of what's left of this lifetime, and learn to live each day to the fullest. I don't want to look back in fifty or sixty years and regret wasting any more of the precious time I have with Shane and our miraculous children. It is time for me to embrace the "after!"

Adoption Awareness

As I'm sure by now most of you are aware, November is adoption awareness month. Obviously, our family was blessed beyond measure by the miracle of adoption and we sincerely hope to experience that miracle once more. What some of you may not be aware of is the anti-adoption movement. A dear friend messaged me last night after she unexpectedly discovered it via the comments on a post celebrating adoption awareness month on Holiday Inn's FB page. The very same post popped up in my newsfeed this morning.

One of the commenters is clearly anti-adoption. Among other things, she ridicules adoptive parents for paying birth parent expenses prior to a baby being born. She equates it with a bribe since the adoptive parents are hoping that the expectant mother will place her baby with them. What she fails to acknowledge is the fact that the expectant mother is not the only one who is vulnerable or being coerced. The adoptive parents are often times taking a risk by paying those expenses. The expectant mother has the right to change her mind at any moment and she is not required to pay back those expenses.

Adoption is not simply black and white, there's a lot of gray area involved. It's also not all about money. I had a discussion with an adult adoptee on another friend's FB page just last week. This friend had shared a picture that pointed out the fact that most adoptions cost around $40,000 while an abortion only costs around $400. The adult adoptee commented that it was a shame people pay that much to adopt when that amount of money would likely eliminate a birth family's desperation and prevent them from relinquishing their rights. I responded that money is not the only factor that contributes to a birth family choosing adoption. There are countless other factors such as inability to parent due to age or other circumstances, and still others who are unwilling to parent for reasons of their own that have nothing to do with the almighty dollar. This same woman had the audacity to provide me with a link for an "ethical" adoption agency, alluding to the fact that our adoption wasn't ethical. Her perception of adoption has been skewed by her own experience and she refuses to see that not all adoptions are unethical. The difference is I can see both sides. 

While adoption isn't ideal, it still is a beautiful and miraculous thing. Both Shane and I, and JT's parents feel that we were an answer to each other's prayers. Obviously, in an ideal situation JT would have been able to grow up with his birth family. For various reasons though, his birth parents chose to place him for adoption. I am grateful that we were able to meet them and begin building the foundation for our relationship prior to his birth. Due to that budding relationship, my heart literally broke for them the day JT was born. I left the birthing suite to go downstairs and be with Mason so Shane could go meet JT. As soon as Shane headed upstairs, I had to drag Mason into the ladies' room because I could no longer hold back the tears. I cried hysterically for them and for what they were about to give up.  I am so grateful that we are in an open adoption and remain in contact to this day. They are not just JT's birth parents, they are part of our extended family.

I felt drawn to write this blog post because I want to help educate others and dispel the negativity being spread by the anti-adoption movement. While I admit the adoption industry is flawed and in desperate need of reform, I'm tired of adoptive couples being painted as baby snatchers. At its core, adoption is about building relationships. I honestly can't imagine our lives without JT or his birth parents and I am eager to meet our future daughter and her birth parents as well. I sincerely hope that our relationship with them is just as miraculous!

Friends for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?

Friendship has always been a struggle for me. I don't make friends easily, but once I do I am fiercely loyal & I don't take ending any friendship lightly. As I get older, however, I am beginning to realize the profound truth behind these words:

Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

Looking back, I have most definitely had friendships for a reason; those that were meant to fulfill a specific purpose in my life or in theirs. I've also had friendships that were only meant to last a season. For me though, I've always felt that most of my friendships were meant to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to accept the fact that that's simply not the case. 

Aside from Facebook, I have all but lost contact with countless friends I thought were meant to last a lifetime. We keep tabs on each other & send the occasional text or email, but we are no longer truly a part of each other's lives. We have all but lost the connections we once had and no longer have the energy or the desire to reconnect.  

I am slowly coming to the realization that it's time for me to let go. I have changed a great deal in the last several years. The sad truth is that most of my friends, & family members as well, can't identify with me anymore or with the life experiences I've had. Hell, some days I can't even identify with myself. It's no one's fault, it just is what it is. 

I'm not saying that I plan to end those friendships I thought would last a lifetime. I am simply putting them into perspective. I will always cherish the memories we've made but I no longer have unrealistic expectations. I will continue to stay connected through Facebook & through the occasional text & email, & see them as the blessings they are instead of lamenting the lack of connection I've been associating with them. 

Most importantly, going forward I am going to embrace each friendship whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I've come to realize lately just how precious & fragile friendship can be & I don't ever want to take it for granted again.

My Multiple Personalities

Shane often jokes that I have multiple personalities. He'll say things like "all three of you" or "which one of you?" when referring to me. He calls it being "personality friendly." It occurred to me that in a sense, he's right. 

There are in fact, three versions of me. The me I used to be, the me I have become and the me I wish I could be.  

Buried deep within is the naive, optimistic young girl/woman I once was long ago. She had a sense of humor and loved to make others laugh. She trusted and loved unconditionally & only saw the good in people & situations. She hadn't experienced profound loss or heartache and didn't dwell on the "what ifs" or ask "why me." She simply lived each day to the fullest and looked to the future with hope and optimism.   

Not so deep is the cynical, pessimistic me. She is way too serious & often forgets how to laugh. She found out the hard way that not everyone deserves to be trusted & loved unconditionally & that sometimes things are out of your control; that unfortunately situations & events can sometimes irrevocably change you. She is often ruled by fear of the unknown and hates how she feels when she has no control over a situation. She's the version of myself I've clung to the most for the past few decades.

Just under the surface is the me that I truly wish I could be. She is a mixture of the other two. She doesn't let fear or uncertainty hold her back but she also doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses. Instead she draws strength and courage from her past experiences, both good and bad, and does everying within her power to realize her dreams while keeping her feet firmly planted on the ground. This version of me is fighting tooth and nail to break free.

I look forward to the day when I can finally embrace my true self and I no longer feel like I am constantly trying to outrun my past. 

I'm Movin' On

Ever experience a moment when you're driving home, listening to a familiar song and suddenly you burst into tears because the song has taken on a whole new meaning for you? Yeah, that happened just now. I am a huge Rascal Flatts fan and have always loved the song I'm Moving On. Ever since my Father died a few years ago, I've associated that song with him. Today though, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it now applies to me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but its time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

I completely lost it at the 5th verse and could barely see the road through my tears. I have come so far and grown so much in the last year. Being back in the place where Maddie and Mason were born, and Maddie lost the fight, has forced me to face my grief and work through it. 

I will NEVER forget her or stop missing her and wishing she was still here with us, but I know that Maddie would not want me to live in the past. She wouldn't want me blame myself for her and Mason being born extremely premature or for her death. I know without a doubt that she would want me to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every single second I have with Mason and Jackson. 

My sweet baby girl taught me SO much in her short three months on this Earth and she continues to do so even eight years after her death. Yesterday afternoon, we went to Chili's for an early Mother's Day dinner. Our waitress was named Maddie. I believe it was my precious daughter's way of letting me know she was with me and not to be sad. Just about an hour or so earlier, I had commented on a friend's Facebook status about how the holiday was difficult for me due to missing my Mother and Maddie. 

I truly believe that song taking on new meaning for me today was yet another message from her. Maddie was encouraging me to stop living in the past and letting the years pass me by. She's letting me know that it's time to forgive myself and finally move on.

Home Is Where the Heart Is . . .

There are two well known sayings concerning home:

Home is where the heart is.

You can never go back home again.

I can attest to both. 

Over the course of the last 20 years, we've moved quite a bit. Granted, some of those moves were within the same city, i.e. when we lived in Texas, we moved from an apartment to base housing and then to the first house we bought. When we left after 3.5 years, it was hard to say goodbye to the friends we had made but we were looking forward to a new adventure. Thankfully when we moved to Louisiana we lived in the same house the entire time. It was the longest we had stayed in one place since we graduated college. We made so many amazing friends throughout the course of those 5 years. We also were changed irrevocably when we finally became parents after struggling for over 7 years to start a family. Leaving was extremely hard; neither of us were impressed with the prospect of Nebraska. 

I knew absolutely nothing about the Midwest and found myself constantly comparing it to Louisiana. It took a while, but once again we were fortunate enough to make some amazing friends. It never really quite felt like it was "home" though. I'm sure that was in part due to the fact that we lived in 3 different houses over the course of our 7 years there too; base housing, the house we rented and the house we bought. It occurred to me tonight though that it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was afraid of opening myself up; that doing so would have been like cheating on the friends we had left behind. I was afraid that if I let too many people in or became too close with them that it would be like forgetting or replacing all those we loved from our time in Louisiana.

Now that we're back in Louisiana, it doesn't quite feel like "home" anymore either. It's not the same place it was back then and we aren't the same people. I considered this my second home for so long and I have SO many memories of our close friends that we met while here the first time, all of which we now consider family. Many of them moved either shortly before or after we did though. We've made some new friends in the short time we've been back but one of them is already moving this summer which totally sucks! I find myself missing our friends in Nebraska too, who also became more like family to us, and I fear I'm once again holding back from forming new close friendships  It is so hard to feel like you're "home" when you're either constantly leaving those you love behind or being left behind by them. 

I'd like to say that Louisiana will become our permanent "home" but there's no guarantee and we'll likely be moving again in a few years. Once again, we'll be leaving behind those we love and having to start over in a new town and open ourselves up for new friendships. Yes, home is where the heart is but it's not that simple when your heart is scattered all over the country/world. 

Twins, Twins, EVERYWHERE!!

Lately, it seems like I'm being bombarded with twins. There was a set of baby boy/girl twins at the doctor's office the other day, and I know several people who are currently pregnant with twins or just recently gave birth to them within the past year.  Each time someone makes an announcement on Facebook, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous, that's because I am!! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for these families but at the same time I feel cheated, not only for Shane and I but more importantly for Mason.

Shane and I were mentally, emotionally and physically preparing to raise twins. I bought two car seats and a double stroller about a month before I wound up in the hospital on bed rest. We ordered two cribs and had two bedding sets and a ton of gender neutral clothes so we'd have plenty for two babies. We painted the nursery and had it just about all set up minus the cribs (which hadn't arrived yet) shortly before Maddie took a turn for the worse. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, or should I say nightmares, that we would leave the hospital with only one of our precious babies.

The day after Maddie died, Shane and I took the bedding set we had picked out for her back to Burlington. I kept the matching receiving blankets because I just couldn't bear to return them. We kept several of the girly outfits and onesies we had gotten for her too. Returning the extra car seat and double stroller was the worst. I had gotten it from Target and it was past the 90 day return period so the store manager wouldn't do a return. We tried to explain to her why we were returning it, but she didn't seem to care. Thankfully, the woman who was actually working the customer service desk dialed corporate for us and asked Shane to explain the situation to them. They told  him to just leave the stroller and extra car seat at the store and they would send us a gift card for the amount.

I remember several sets of twins who came and went from the NICU after we lost Maddie. Most of them were only there for a few days or maybe a week or two. More often than not, they were able to sleep in the same isolette too. It was pure torture when I went to visit Mason and I had to sit there and watch those other parents getting to hold, feed and bathe both of their babies. They were blissfully ignorant of the pain and anguish our family was enduring.

Maybe it was seeing that set of twins at the doc's office the other day, or being blindsided when I discovered yesterday via Facebook that yet another friend is expecting twins, or the fact that Maddie and Mason's birthday is less than 2 weeks away, but I'm really struggling right now. I want to know why? What did we do to deserve to only get 3 short months with our sweet baby girl? What makes all those other families so special that they get to raise both of their babies?  Why do their children get to grow up with their twin while Mason was robbed of his?

I know I'm not supposed to question it but it's impossible not to. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Maddie and wish I could go back in time and change things. I would give anything to be able to carry them to term, or even for 10 more weeks, so they would have had a better chance at survival and a normal life. I was willing to stay upside down in that hospital bed for the remainder of my pregnancy and would have gladly done so. I never complained about it for a second. In fact, one of my doc's was so amazed by it that he called me Sunshine. I just wanted to do whatever was necessary for my precious cargo.

I hate that Maddie won't be here to celebrate their 8th birthday with Mason in a little under two weeks. I hate that despite us talking about her and trying to keep her memory alive, it seems like he's forgotten her. I hate that many of our friends and family seem to have forgotten her as well. I hate that I feel like my memories of her are slipping away too. I just want my sweet baby girl back; for her to be here with us and for us to have the happily ever after ending like those other families from the NICU.

Silence is Golden

This post has been a long time coming and I'll warn you, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. No doubt, some of what I am about to say is going to upset a few people, but frankly, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of people belittling my hopes and dreams and feelings and I simply can't bite my tongue any longer.

Infertility SUCKS! Wanting more than anything to have children and not being able to is excruciating. Unless you've experienced it and you know how heartbreaking it can be, please just keep your opinions, comments and most importantly, advice to yourself!

I can't tell you how many times we were told to just relax and it would happen. Just about every one of the people who said this knew both mine and Shane's medical history and that without medical intervention, there was simply no way we would ever conceive. Some of the same people told us once we moved on to adoption and brought JT home that we would probably wind up pregnant. Newsflash, adoption does NOT cure infertility!! While that ship has sailed and we have no intention of seeking fertility treatments again, I find myself once again feeling like people are dismissing our dream of growing our family through a second adoption.

I've had countless people tell me we should just be content with the children we have; that if we aren't able to adopt a baby girl, it's okay. Let me just say, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!! Who are you to tell us that we should give up on a dream? Who are you to decide whether or not we are done growing our family?  It's easy for some to tell us we should be grateful for the children we have when they have absolutely no trouble conceiving and have uneventful, healthy pregnancies. We deserve to have as many children as we feel we are capable of caring for just as much as everyone else does.

Furthermore, for those who feel like it is wrong for us to want a girl, you can stick your opinion where the sun doesn't shine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us wanting to give Mason and JT a baby sister. It doesn't mean we love Mason or JT any less or that they aren't good enough because neither of them is a girl. We LOVE our SONS and couldn't imagine our lives without them nor would we want to. That being said, both Shane and I deserve the chance to experience the things that go hand-in-hand with raising a daughter if that's what our hearts desire.

I long for a mother-daughter bond; to be able to do the things with our little girl that I've watched so many of my girlfriends and family members do with their daughters. I can't even begin to put into words how hard it is for me some days to see the many posts on FB about various things they all get to do with their daughters. Some days, it feels like I'm repeatedly being punched in the stomach. I was very close with my mother too and I miss the uniqueness of that relationship. As much as I love my boys, I can't have the same relationship with them that I could with a daughter. Shane deserves to be able to have a father-daughter bond as well; to be wrapped around his baby girl's little finger and spoil her to his heart's content. To some day walk her down the isle.

We were robbed of the chance to experience any of these things with Maddie, and while I'm sure some will think we are trying to replace her, I assure you that couldn't be further from the truth. Maddie can NEVER be replaced, (and neither can Chloe or Hudson) but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us wanting the chance to raise a daughter. Our dreams are just as valid as anyone else's and we deserve to pursue them just as much as anyone else does. Telling us to be content with the children we have and to cherish them is a slap in the face. We know all too well just how precious both of our boys are and we don't take one second with them for granted because unfortunately, we've experienced every parent's worst nightmare.

I have had several people, including our adoption attorney, tell me that I need a little girl. They could all see how much I long for one and they didn't judge me for it or think I was being greedy in wanting more children. The next time you start to tell someone they should be content with the children they have, or that they should simply accept that they may not be able to grow their family when they want more anything to be able to do exactly that, maybe you should stop and think. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your dream or told you you shouldn't pursue it? Not every situation requires you to give your opinion or supply unsolicited advice. Sometimes it's okay to simply listen and be supportive. If you can't do that, then please just keep your thoughts to yourself because you never know how deeply an innocent comment can hurt someone who's heart is already broken.

P.S. This is not directed at anyone in particular as I have had NUMEROUS people tell me these things over the last decade or more. I read a post pertaining to infertility and the things people feel compelled to tell couples who are struggling with growing their families and I saw a lot of parallels to our situation as well. As I said, this post has been a long time coming. I started writing it in September but I never finished it. Due to our current situation and a few conversations I've had with friends and family recently, I just felt it was time to get it off my chest once and for all.

Jumping Through Hoops

Adoption is a blessing beyond measure; however, just like anything else in life that's worthwhile, it's not easy. The entire adoption process itself is stressful beyond belief. From the home study, to waiting to be chosen by birth parents, then sitting on pins and needles to see if the match will actually result in a placement, the stress is almost monumental. In addition to that, you have to worry about things like the level of openness you desire, what kind of relationship you'd like to build with the birth parents and how and when you're going to share your child's birth story with him/her . If you're one of the lucky couples, everything falls into place and the wait is more than worth it when you finally get to bring that bouncing baby home. 

Then you realize that you still have countless hoops to jump through.

There are so many things that other couples take for granted that an adoptive couple simply can't.  The list is probably extensive, but for our family the immediate concerns are bonding, relocation and preparing to adopt once more. 

Bonding is generally easier for "normal" couples as they are able to do so with each other and the baby throughout the pregnancy. It's not as natural for an adoptive couple because they aren't able to experience the pregnancy first hand or get to know the baby's personality while he/she is still in the womb. While they can share their excitement about the baby with friends and family like a "normal' couple, they tend to be a bit reserved as there is always the fear in the back of their minds that the match or placement will fall through. Even after you're settled at home with your new bundle of joy, bonding doesn't exactly come easy. 

I couldn't love JT any more if I had given birth to him, but I did struggle a bit with bonding.  The first few weeks after we got home and got back into our routines were the hardest. At random times of the day, I would feel awkward when cuddling or kissing him, like I shouldn't be doing so. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was simply babysitting him and not mothering him. It was an extremely unpleasant and unwelcome feeling. All I kept thinking was that we had finally completed a year and a half long journey and I just wanted to enjoy our sweet baby boy.  Thankfully, those feelings have subsided and I no longer feel like JT's babysitter. I am his Mommy and he knows the sound of my voice and recognizes my face. When he smiles at me, my heart melts!  

Our current concern involves a possible relocation in the near future. Shane applied for a career broadening position a few months ago. We really weren't expecting anything to come of it but we knew he had to apply or we'd always wonder "what if."  As it turns out, they are interested in him and we are just waiting on an official job offer now. While we are excited about the opportunity it presents for our family's future, there are a few adoption-related obstacles we'll have to deal with in order to move. We'll have to go through the ICPC process all over again and once we're settled, we'll have to do another home study. We can't finalize JT's adoption here until he's been in our home for 6 months. There's a good chance that we'll be moving before that so we'll basically have to start from scratch in the new state. We won't be able to finalize there either until JT's a year which kind of stinks since we'd only have to wait 3 more months here. The one positive thing about having to redo our home study is that it's valid for 2 years in the new state whereas it's only good for 1 year here. It will be one less hoop we have to jump through when we're ready to start the adoption process for Mason and JT's baby sister. 

Preparing to adopt again is probably our biggest hurdle.  Unlike a typical couple whose biggest hurdles are making the decision to grow their family and how far apart in age they would prefer their children to be, it's a bit more complicated for us. As I blogged about in a previous post, adoption can be quite expensive. We've already begun saving, and with any luck the adoption tax credit will once again be made refundable which would allow us to adopt a baby girl sooner rather than later. If not though, it will be a while before we have the funds to move forward. Once again, we'll have to play the waiting game and hope and pray that we are chosen by a couple as fabulous as M & A. I know in my heart that if it's meant to be, it will all work out. Afterall, JT wouldn't be here with us otherwise! 

I guess we're just so good at jumping through hoops that God decided to throw a few more at us to keep us on our toes. I'll gladly continue to jump through them if it means we get to enjoy watching our boys grow and add a bouncing baby girl to our family as well :D

Worth the Wait

We found out at the end of January that we'd be meeting JT a few weeks early.  M started going for twice weekly NSTs around her 34th week and JT wasn't exactly cooperative for them.  Due to that as well as some health concerns, her doc ordered a level 2 ultrasound to be done at 36 weeks. Based on the results, it was suspected that JT was IUGR (intraunterine growth restriction). He was estimated to be 5 lb 7 oz and his tummy was measuring small as well. As a result of the IUGR and the fact that he was breech, M was scheduled for a c-section at 38 weeks.

I had already had the majority of JT's things packed and had slowly started to compile a list of things Shane, Mason and I would need. Once the c-section was scheduled though, I went into full on panic mode!! I started nesting like crazy and barely slept. The next 2 weeks went by in a blur and before we knew it, it was time to leave.

We left home on the 10th to be there in time for the delivery on the 13th. We were supposed to stay with Shane's sister but we were pretty tired by the time we got to the outskirts of Nashville. We decided to get a hotel room for the night and were going to try to meet Jen for breakfast in Chattanooga the following morning. While grabbing dinner, we discovered through a friend's post on Facebook that there was a nasty winter storm moving across the south right along the route we needed to travel.  We went to our room and checked out more info on the storm on Weather.com.  After staying in the hotel for only 3 hours, we decided we had better repack the truck and get back on the road again. We were afraid if we didn't leave by midnight, that we would never make it on time and would wind up stranded on the highway somewhere in the middle of the ice storm.  While Shane drove, I was continually monitoring the storm as well as our route. We managed to stay about 20 minutes ahead of it the entire way and once we got to FL we were in the clear. It's a good thing we followed our instincts because we likely wouldn't have made it out of GA otherwise!

We got to FL late in the afternoon on the evening of the 11th. M and I were texting back and forth as we finished up the drive. She had an ultrasound that afternoon at the hospital and found out that JT had finally decided to cooperate and flip. The c-section was canceled since he was no longer breech. There was some confusion as to whether or not the doctor planned to proceed with an induction or if M was going to be allowed to go to term.  She had another appointment scheduled for the morning of the 12th to finalize things for the 13th and she invited me to go with her.  We met M and A at the doctor's office the next morning which incidentally was the first time we got to meet A in person. Shane was wearing his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt which was ironic because A had wanted to wear his that day also but hadn't been able to find it. We talked for a few minutes before A had to leave to go to work and M and I headed into for her appointment. We waited in the waiting room for a little over 2 hours before a nurse came to tell us that the doctor had been called away for an emergency delivery.  She said M could be seen later that afternoon if she was willing to come back so we went and got Shane and Mason and headed to lunch. We had to wait another hour or so when we got back to the doctor's office and then M had to do another NST and ultrasound.  After talking with 2 separate doctors, the plan was to proceed with an induction. By that time it was already after 4 and M had to report to the hospital at 8:30 that night to start the induction process.  We headed to the mall and met A and we all had dinner together before they headed to the hospital.  At about 9, M texted me and told me that if I wanted to I could come and spend the night there with her.  Shane dropped me off and A was gracious enough to allow me to wear the second hospital bracelet.  He went home that night and I slept on the lovely pull out couch that is a fixture in most labor and delivery rooms.

Around midnight they began the first phase of the induction process.  The next morning around 8 am the pitocin was started. They slowly increased the drip throughout the day. They would have increased it a bit faster but the doc was being pulled in a million different directions as there were multiple patients in labor and delivery that day. The monitor wasn't picking up M's contractions very well so they had to proceed slowly. The doc broke free long enough to break her water around 1 and then was off and running again. I felt so bad for M as the day progressed and her contractions got worse. She wasn't able to get an epidural until late afternoon because the anesthesiologist was just as busy as the doc. Once the epidural was done, they decided to place internal monitors to better track the contractions.  As soon as they were able to monitor the contractions better, they steadily increased the drip and things started moving pretty fast. 

JT was born at 6:56 pm weighing 6 lb 4 oz and measuring 20 in long.  I can't even begin to put into words the mix of emotions I was feeling as I witnessed the miracle of his birth.  I'm not 100% sure but I suspect that the cord might have been wrapped around his neck because he looked a little blue when he emerged.  The doc suctioned his nose and mouth and he began to cry. It was immediately obvious that the little munchkin had a good set of lungs!! The doc asked if anyone wanted to cut the cord and A immediately deferred to me. The doc handed him over to the nurse afterwards and she asked if anyone wanted to take pictures. I looked to M and A, but A was not about to leave M's side as the doc was still tending to her.  I felt like an outsider but I didn't want any of us to miss JT's first moments, no matter what the ultimate outcome was in a few days.  I snapped a few pics and quickly texted them to Shane as the nurse took JT to the warmer and began wiping him down, taking his measurements and his prints.  I took a few more pics and then just stood there in awe.  I kept looking from him to M and A and the look on A's face as he watched his son literally broke my heart.  The nurse then asked if anyone wanted to hold him and again A deferred to me saying, "Let his new Mommy hold him."

Getting to hold him for the first time when he was merely a few minutes old was simply amazing.  I texted Shane to tell him and his response was, "Must be nice." I told him to grab Mason and head to the hospital so he could meet JT. He got there about half an hour later and I went downstairs to wait with Mason while Shane went up to the room as kids under 10 weren't allowed in the patient rooms.

Not long afterwards, I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't control the tears so I took Mason into the bathroom and just stood there bawling my eyes out!  I was ecstatic that JT was finally here and beyond thrilled that our prayers had been answered for a safe delivery for both he and M.  I was also feeling extremely guilty that M & A weren't going to get to raise the miracle they had created together; that they had to experience a great loss in order for us to complete our family.  Shane had come back down while I was in the bathroom because they were moving M to the postpartum floor and had taken JT to the nursery to monitor him for a bit because he was grunting a lot.  He called me because he couldn't find me.  I told him that I was in the bathroom trying to collect myself.  He said that M & A had been worried about me. Apparently when JT was born, it was obvious that I was overwhelmed with emotion and feeling several different things at once. They told Shane that they weren't sure what I was going to do. The fact that they were worried about me is proof that they are remarkable people.

I was prepared to go back to the hotel with Shane and Mason that night, but once again A was generous beyond belief and allowed me to stay with M. They also gave me the other hospital bracelet for JT which meant I was the only other person allowed to care for him and be alone with him besides M.  JT stayed in the room with us for the most part except when they took him back to the nursery for a bath and to check his blood sugar before feedings. I took care of the majority of his feedings so M could sleep. She obviously needed it much more than I did! The next morning Shane and Mason came to get me and we spent a few hours at the hotel before going back to the hospital.  When we got back S (the adoption professional) was there visiting. I sent Shane up first and stayed in the cafeteria with Mason. A few minutes afterwards Shane texted me and told me to just bring Mason up, that S said it was okay because he was a sibling.  I took him up and he got to meet JT for the first time and hold him.  Seeing the two of them together took my breath away!! We spent several hours there and  then we left for the night. M would have been fine with me staying the night again but I wanted to give her time alone with JT.

The next morning we went back to the hospital bright and early as I had to be there by 10 for the discharge class. It was so bizarre being the only person in the room without a spouse as well as the only one without a baby.  Afterwards, we just hung out with M & A and waited for S to come so papers could be signed. She got there around 2 and Shane, Mason and I waited in the outer hallway while they signed. Once again I was feeling a mix of emotions. Adoption most definitely is NOT for the faint of heart!!

After everything was signed, M & A left the hospital as she had already been discharged. S had to go to the nursery and finish up some things there for JT and then we had to sign our portion of the papers.  One of the nurses had to carry JT outside the hospital and then give him to S who then handed him to us. We all thought it was kind of ridiculous but it was hospital policy.  S handed him to me and I put him in his car seat while Shane pulled the truck around. M & A had waited for us and she came over to give me a hug before leaving and we made arrangements to meet for lunch the next day. As we drove away from the hospital, I was overcome with joy. This little person that we'd waited years to finally meet was finally here and going home with us, even if it was to a hotel room.

There hasn't been a dull moment since then but I wouldn't trade it for the world. JT was more than worth the wait!!

The Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Have you ever woken up from a dream and been forever changed by it.  A dream so profound that it rocks you to your core?  I can honestly say that I had just such a dream last night. In fact, it affected me so much that it prevented me from going back to sleep.  I knew that I had to get up and put my thoughts and feelings into writing immediately.

I've spent a good chunk of my life feeling like an outsider, like I didn't belong.  In truth, a lot of that feeling stems from my adolescence.  I've heard it said countless times, and I even said it myself a time or two, that college is all about finding yourself. For me however, high school was where I found myself.  I was part of a very close-knit group of friends.  There were about a dozen or so of us in our clique; sometimes less, sometimes more, as someone invariably moved to or away from our area.  We weren't quite popular but we weren't that group that everyone looks down on either. We were just somewhere in the middle.

As often happens in close-knit groups, several of us broke off into pairs, be it best friends or couples. We each were closer to one particular member of the group at one time or another and the members were interchangeable as time went on. Three of the members and I were inseparable for a few years.  We would have slumber parties and of course shared all of our secrets as girls tend to do.  There were times when I was closer to one of the girls than the other two due to our shared interests or experiences. We all remained close; however, and were there to pick up the pieces whenever we needed each other, which invariably happened when a romance within the group went south.

As is typical with most high school experiences, mine was filled with triumphs and failures, heartaches and betrayals, awkwardness and angst.  Over the years, as I've looked back on that time in my life, I've questioned whether or not I ever really fit in. Several years ago, I discovered through Facebook that the majority of the group met for breakfast at a local diner every Friday morning during our senior year.  I was never invited. When I found out about it, even though it was eons ago, it cut pretty deep.  It was proof for me that I in fact hadn't really fit in; that I really had been on the outside looking in all those years. More importantly, that I was never really like or wanted, but merely tolerated by those I considered to be my nearest and dearest friends.

My dream last night though was an epiphany. In the dream I was once again surrounded by my group of friends from high school.  As scenes from that time flashed through the dream I found myself asking countless what ifs?  What if I had made a different decision? What if I had acted differently? What if I had chosen a different path? As the dream unfolded I realized that it wasn't that I was unliked or unwanted or even an outsider. I was just as much a part of the group as anyone else.  My decisions and choices, based largely on emotion given the fact that I was a teenage girl, were simply leading me in a different direction.  Looking back now, I can see clearly that I often chose the road less traveled.  It wasn't that I didn't belong, but rather that I set myself apart from the rest. Whether it was intentional or not, I honestly can't say.  

As I have gotten older, I have continued to take the road less traveled, sometimes by necessity, sometimes by choice.  It doesn't make me any better or less than my peers, just different and that's okay.  I've often been jealous of my friends over the years, wishing I could have the same experiences as they had. Wishing that I wasn't faced with obstacle after obstacle or constant heartache.  I've come to the realization though that my experiences have molded and shaped me into the woman God intended.  I married my high school sweetheart while most of my friends found their spouses in college or beyond.  I am the first in our group to experience the death of a parent.  I am the one who chose to be vocal about my struggles with infertility in hopes of helping others feel less alone.  I am the one who experienced what no parent should ever have to face, the loss of a child. I am the one who is raising a special needs child. I am the one who has embarked on the journey of adoption.

Many of these experiences are not unique to society at large, but they are unique to my group of friends.   Despite the fact that many of them can't identify on a personal level, they have nonetheless supported me in every endeavor.  I have remained close with those same three girls  that I was inseparable from for those tumultuous years that we called high school, as well as with several other members of the group. Despite time and distance, our friendships have remained strong. We continue to support each other from afar and make it a point to get together whenever those of us who moved away go home for visits.  It's been quite some time since the entire group has been together but hopefully that will be remedied this summer when we gather for our 20-year high school reunion.

It hasn't escaped my attention that the reunion is most likely the cause for my dream last night.  I'm sure many who have gone back for their high school reunions, whether it be 10, 20 or even 50 years, have dreaded being confronted  by the memories of those few years. For some, those years were awkward and painful. For others, those years were the prime of their life.  I know now that I was afraid of those memories myself but I can honestly say I no longer feel afraid.  For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I KNOW that I am right where I was always meant to be.  I have come to terms with who I am, for better or worse, and most importantly different, and I am glad I chose the road less traveled for it truly has made all the difference.

Living On an Island

Some days it truly feels like we're living on an island.  While we have several close friends who love and support us, we often still feel so alone. Most of our family and friends from home don't understand what our lives are like on a daily basis. Many of them think I post things online just to get attention, which couldn't be further from the truth.  I'm simply giving my loved ones a glimpse into our lives and hoping that some day they'll truly understand.

While neither Shane nor I would change a thing about the journey we have been on together, that doesn't mean it hasn't taken it's toll on both of us.  We will never again be able to see the world through rose colored glasses.  In fact, we (or I should say I) spend most of the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mason has made SO much progress in the past few years and he is SO smart. We've never questioned his intelligence; however, he still doesn't do the things that a typical 6-year-old does.  I try so hard not to compare him to other children his age but it's hard not to, especially when I am taking him to school and picking him up twice a day.  I am constantly reminded that he doesn't talk or play like his peers and I can't help but feel like I've failed him; that he's missing out on the experiences and milestones of a typical childhood.

Mason's schedule is beyond hectic at this point. He goes to school Monday through Friday from 10:15 - 11 and then again from 12:30 - 1:40, with the exception of Tuesdays when he stays until 2:30.  He is getting time in the regular classroom as well as one-on-one instruction. He also goes for Music, PE, Art, Media and Computers as well as Speech and OT.  (We fit our homeschooling lessons in before and after he goes to school.)

On top of that, he began going for medically-based Speech therapy a few weeks ago too and will be starting medically-based OT next month as well.  The sad part is, even though we are doing all of that, I still feel like somehow it's not enough. I feel like we dropped the ball and I am trying frantically to get things back on track. Is it any wonder that I feel like he's missing out on the childhood he should have had?

Thankfully, Mason seems to be thriving despite the fact that our days are anything but typical. He enjoys going to school and hasn't experienced sensory overload yet, most likely due to the fact that he goes in short intervals. He is responding very well to his teachers and they are impressed with how well he is performing in Reading and Math.  He enjoys going to medically-based Speech, and in fact has a melt down after each session because he doesn't want to leave. We've only been doing this schedule for about 2.5 weeks now so we're not sure if it will continue to be feasible in the long-run, but I guess time will tell.

Even though I know we're doing what's best for Mason, I can't help but feel isolated.  We don't really fit in with our friends who send their children to public school full-time and we don't fit in with the home school community either.  The school has been awesome in working with us to create a schedule that is beneficial for Mason but I know they think we're a bit crazy.  His special education teacher mentioned last week that it can't be easy for me. Truthfully, it's not but as long as he's thriving, I'll continue to make it work. I can only hope that some day all of our efforts pay off and Mason will be able to live a full life.  If the only way to ensure that is for me to feel like we don't really fit in anywhere, then so be it. His happiness is worth it!!

Some of God's Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers!

We got the call yesterday afternoon that we've been waiting for, WE WERE CHOSEN!!!!  When our consultant told me the good news, I instantly got chills and I was shaking and of course started crying. I couldn't WAIT to tell Shane. He was pretty elated too!

Throughout this year-long journey, we've heard repeatedly that our baby would find us when the time was right.  We actually heard about the couple who chose us about 8 hours before we were notified about the stork drop situation.  I thought we were being presented to them that same afternoon and when we were contacted about the baby girl who was already born, I assumed they hadn't chosen us.  I prayed incessantly Thursday morning that we would be chosen for the stork drop situation.  Evidently, God knew she wasn't meant to join our family as he already had another sweet little one chosen for us instead.

We still need to fill out some paperwork and such before we are "officially" matched but I just spoke with the expectant mother and it was like talking to an old friend. She and I have a lot in common.  When I told Shane about our conversation and forwarded him the pics she texted me, he said they seem like people we would hang out with. This is SO what I was hoping for!!!  Our journey's not over yet, but barring any unforeseen obstacles we are living proof that some of God's greatest gifts truly are unanswered prayers!!

What Might Have Been . . .

We will have been on our adoption journey for exactly a year tomorrow.  We came SO close this week to finally completing our family.  We were being considered for a stork drop situation, which means the baby was already born.  The birth mother ended up choosing another family though.  As hard as I tried not to get my hopes up, it was pretty much impossible.  The worst part was, I already felt a connection to this sweet baby girl.  I had never laid eyes on her, and had only just found out about her 24-hours earlier, but I really thought she was meant to join our family.

I was pretty upset last night when we found out that we hadn't been chosen.  It felt like once again we had a huge carrot dangled in front of us, only to have it snatched away at the last minute.  I couldn't understand why I would have felt such a strong connection if she was never meant to be ours.  Then it hit me.  While I NEVER want to try to replace Madelynn, nor would it EVER be possible, this baby girl represented a second chance for us.  She was born 3 weeks premature and would be spending a few weeks in the NICU. If we had been chosen to adopt her, we would have had an opportunity that we never got with Madelynn; we would have actually been able to bring our baby girl home from the NICU.  It would by no means have erased the pain and heartache we carry with us on a daily basis, and likely will until the day we die, but it might have helped heal the hole in our hearts just a tiny bit.

Shane and I both had already been trying to figure out the logistics as far as going to meet our new daughter. We were trying to decide whether it would be easiest to fly or drive.  We were both leaning towards driving as when you adopt out of state you have to worry about ICPC, which stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children.  In a nutshell, the laws in the state that you're adopting from and the state you live in need to jive. The sending state needs to send paperwork to the receiving state who then needs to approve the adoption before you are allowed to go home. ICPC can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks Given the fact that we would need clothes and such for all four of us, plus all the paraphernalia that goes along with a newborn, we had pretty much figured that driving would be our best bet.

Shane had also called our insurance company to find out what we would need in order to add her to ensure she was covered.  While he was remaining calm and collected about the whole thing, I of course was already in panic mode.  Depending on when we would have been able to go meet her, Mason and I might have had to go alone as Shane wouldn't have been done with class for a few more weeks.  On top of that, we have barely any baby girl clothes aside from maybe a dozen preemie and newborn outfits. I was trying to figure out whether we should buy a bunch of stuff before we left or just wait until we got there and get everything. Needless to say, we were both pretty stressed out and anxious all day.

My heart still aches today and will likely do so for several more weeks.  We were certain that our precious miracle was within our grasp, but alas, she was meant to be someone else's miracle instead.  Until we are finally matched, I will be thinking about that sweet baby girl and wondering what might have been . . .

Taking it One Day at a Time

Things have been super hectic for the past several months which is why I've neglected the blog.  We had a possible baby-born situation pop up mid-June.  A friend who is also trying to adopt had been matched with an expectant mother towards the end of May.  About a week after being matched though she and her husband were told by their attorney that it was a scam. The expectant mother had never been pregnant but had purchased medical records and an ultrasound online.  They were pretty shook up but thankfully they had another expectant mother who had been interested in matching with them as well.  They matched with her and were anxiously awaiting the delivery of their precious little one.

A week before that baby was scheduled to be delivered, they were contacted by the first expectant mother. She had in fact been pregnant after all and had delivered a few days earlier. She wanted to know if they were still interested in adopting the baby. Since they couldn't afford to adopt both, my friend asked if we were interested.  Of course we were!! I sent her a link to our online profile and she forwarded it to the birth mother.  As it turned out, she still really wanted my friend and her husband to be the parents of her little one and since they weren't available, she decided to parent herself.    

That was the closest we'd gotten so far and to still end up empty handed was kind of a tough pill to swallow. We had signed on with an adoption consultant at the end of May though so we just picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off and jumped back in feet first.  We had a few situations pop up with our consultant over the next few weeks, one of which we asked her to submit our profile for but nothing came of that either. Things were pretty quiet until the second week in August.  Our consultant sent us info on a specific expectant mother that she thought we might be interested in.  We prayed about it for a day but it just didn't seem like the right fit.  We let her know that night and the next afternoon she sent us info on another expectant mother and told us if we were interested to submit our profile.  We did so and were contacted by the agency that the expectant mother had signed on with.  We tried to speak with the expectant mother several times over the next few days but it just never worked out.  The agency had several other situations that they thought we might be interested in, one in particular that was such a perfect fit that it seemed like it was too good to be true.

This particular expectant mother was looking for a couple in their 30s who could financially provide for her child.  She enjoyed scrapbooking and wanted to pursue a bachelor's degree in Education.  She couldn't have been a more perfect fit for our family!!!  Over the course of the next several days we tried to officially match with this expectant mother but it just wasn't in the cards.  After doing some research and getting mixed messages about fees and such as we were communicating with the agency, we just didn't feel like things were being handled ethically.  As painful as it was to walk away, we had no choice.  

We were pretty devastated by the last situation not working out and the last few weeks have been pretty rough.  We even considered calling it quits a few times.  We feel in our hearts though that we are meant to add one more precious little one to our family, so we're going to stay the course.  We have begun researching a few different agencies and attorneys that have been highly recommended on several adoption forums that I frequent.  We are strongly considering signing on with one of the agencies but we want to do a bit more research first. We don't want any surprises like we had with the last agency!!  

In less than a week, on 31 August, we will have been on this journey for exactly one year.  We sincerely hope and pray that we are getting closer to finding our precious little miracle!!! Until then, we will simply take things one day at a time.

Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

We began our adoption journey 11 months ago.  It has most definitely been fraught with ups and downs.  At first, we were really excited and filled with hope.  As the months have gone by though, we've become frustrated and discouraged.

When we set out on this journey, we decided we would pursue an independent adoption rather than signing on with an agency.  We contacted several local agencies last year before going the independent route, but were turned away by each for various reasons.  After about 6 months of networking on our own, we researched a few more agencies at the suggestion of our social worker.  We haven't been able to find an agency that we feel comfortable with though.  They were all either out of our budget or we weren't comfortable with their practices.  We decided to step up our networking efforts and signed on with an adoption consultant a few months ago, but we still have yet to actually speak with an expectant mother, much less be matched with one.

We've had countless friends suggest we pursue foster care but that is simply not an option for us.  We want to be a forever family for a child, not just a temporary one. Neither Shane nor I can imagine welcoming another child into our home only to have to say goodbye a few short weeks or months later.  There would be no way to explain to Mason why the child he considered his brother or sister was no longer living with us either. Is it sometimes possible to adopt through foster care but there are very rarely newborns available. We want a newborn.  I'm sure most people think we're being selfish considering there are countless children in foster care who deserve a loving family; however, just because we aren't able to have a biological child, doesn't mean we shouldn't still be able to experience all of our future child's firsts. We also aren't equipped to handle the mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect that many children in foster care experience or the various other things they are exposed to.  In my opinion, it takes a truly special individual/couple to be able to care for children in foster care.  We simply are not one of those couples.

One of our biggest obstacles concerning newborn adoption is money. Adoption is expensive.  I am a member of a private adoption page on FB that lists situations from various agencies and attorneys.  Shane and I have been interested in several of the situations but we simply can't afford the fees associated with them.  Just to give you an example, one such situation was over $40,000.  It included $23,000 for the agency fee, $10,000 for birth mother expenses (living expenses, maternity clothes, and in some cases, lost wages), and $8500 for legal fees.  Travel would be in addition to that and given the fact that it was an interstate adoption, it would have included a hotel stay anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.  These types of situations are posted on the FB page almost daily.  Given the fact that we are a one-income household and we still need to be able to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and save for Mason's future, we simply can't afford those kinds of fees.  There was a situation posted recently that was within our budget but there are almost 500 members on that page so of course everyone pounced on the opportunity.

The other obstacle to realizing our dream of growing our family is that adoption comes with a considerable risk.  Even if we finally find an expectant mother who chooses to place her child with us, there are no guarantees that she won't change her mind after the baby is born, or even beforehand.  She is entitled to do so, but the thought of a failed match or placement is enough to drive a prospective adoptive parent insane! It seems like lately I'm seeing more and more instances of failed matches/placements and it's starting to freak me out.  I know of a couple who just experienced their second failed placement and I just read about a couple on the FB page who has experienced 9 failed matches.  I can't even fathom how we would find the strength to try again after even one failed match/placement, let alone multiple!!!  In addition to that, the birth mother expenses are at-risk fees. They typically start once you are matched and continue until 6-8 weeks postpartum.  Some states limit the amount an expectant mother can receive but in most cases the fees range from $3-10,000.  If she changes her mind, that money is lost.  It would take us quite a bit of time to recoup our losses in order to try again.

Shane and I have both felt over the past several years that God was leading us to adoption, but I can't help but wonder now if that was just wishful thinking on our part.  Everyone keeps telling me that our baby will find us and we just need to be patient.  That is SO much easier said than done though.  Mason has been praying nightly for God to bring him a baby.  It breaks my heart that we have no control over when/if he will ever have a baby brother or sister.  We are just ready for our family to be complete.  I can only hope and pray that our baby does indeed find us soon and that we are once again able to recapture that sense of excitement and hope and not be consumed by anxiety and fear that everything will fall apart at the last minute.  I've read several times that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  That is a drastic understatement. While adoption is the ultimate selfless act on the part of the birth mother and the most precious gift an adoptive couple can receive, it is most definitely a roller coaster ride. Throughout the last 11 months, we have most definitely experienced the good, the bad and the ugly and our journey isn't over yet.  I truly am looking forward to the day that I am able to look back on all of this and realize that God brought us to it and through it and rejoice in the fact that our family is finally complete!!

The Things We Take for Granted

No matter how hard we try not to, we often end up taking things for granted.  Our family members, friends, job, financial security, health, and our future.  We just assume that our loved ones will be with us for the long haul or that things will go according to our plans.  We forget that no one lives forever and that Murphy's Law often applies to many aspects of our daily lives.  It has certainly applied to multiple facets of my life, which only makes sense given the fact that my maiden name just happens to be Murphy.  I swear I should get a tattoo that reads, "Anything and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong!"

I've always had a tendency to dwell on the future.  No matter how hard I try to live in the moment, to be thankful for the blessings I have today, I always find myself wondering and worrying about the future.  I spent most of my high school years worrying about and preparing for college.  Due to that, I missed out on making countless memories with my nearest and dearest friends.  Once in college, all I could  think about was graduating and starting my teaching career.  I can't even begin to imagine all of the things I missed out on during those four years.  When Shane and I got engaged, my focus partially shifted to our wedding and our life together.  Just six months after we were married, instead of relishing in our newlywed status, I was already focused on trying to start a family.  

All along the way, I took if for granted that everything would go according to my plans.  For the most part, everything did up until we began to try to have a baby. I had known early on in our relationship that we might have difficulty due to health issues on both sides.  I naively assumed that somehow our plans would come to fruition despite any obstacles we might face.  Enter Murphy's Law in a BIG way. Our plan was to have a baby by the time we were 25. Ha!  As if!!  My mother-in-law frequently says, "If you want to give God a good laugh, tell him your plans."  I'm sure Shane and I had him rolling on the floor laughing for years. We faced many obstacles and much heartache before we finally became parents.  Looking back now, I can say without a doubt it was all worth it.  We know how blessed we are to have Mason in our lives and we try very hard not to take him for granted.  

I wish I could say after everything we went through that we learned our lesson as far as making plans, but apparently we still had a few tests ahead of us. We were naive enough to think that we had paid our dues with our first pregnancy and the loss of Madelynn and that once we were ready to give Mason a sibling, everything would fall into place.  Once again, Murphy's Law set us straight. Nothing went according to our carefully orchestrated plans.  God had a different plan for us to expand our family.

We have felt for quite some time that God was leading us to adoption but we were just too stubborn.  We wanted to follow our own path.  Once we finally came around to his plan, we were certain that the biggest obstacle that we faced was the home study.  We thought if we could get through that, adoption would be attainable.  You would think we would know better by now, but what can I say, we're suckers for punishment.  We've been waiting now for almost a year and all we've encountered is near misses.  Some days I can't help but feel anger and bitterness.  So many others are able to conceive without difficulty and have uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.  They don't take the time to realize how blessed they are but instead take those miracles and their children for granted.  

Many don't realize and couldn't even begin to fathom what's it's like for those of us on the other side.  Infertility is a roller coaster ride from Hell.  From where I'm sitting, adoption isn't much better.  The only difference is instead of constantly being physically poked and prodded, you are constantly mentally and emotionally poked and prodded. Not only is your privacy invaded with the home study process but you are faced with a huge amount of uncertainty and financial strain.  

Adoption is NOT cheap and while I understand that there is a service being provided which incurs costs, some of the fees are astronomical.  Just to give those of you who are unfamiliar with adoption expenses an idea of the cost involved, I'll give you an example of a situation I came across last night.  The baby is due in about 3 weeks.  The agency fee is $23,000, the legal fees are $8500 and the birth mother expenses are $10,000.  This is not atypical either.  Most adoptions cost upwards of $35-40,000.  I don't know anyone who has that kind of cash laying around, and we certainly don't.  The most we can afford is maybe half of that. Don't get me wrong, being able to give Mason a sibling would be worth EVERY penny but there is just no way we can afford that. We still need to keep a roof over our head and food on the table and be able to save for college for both children. If we could get a loan, that would be awesome, but it's not like banks are willing to take such a huge risk.  There's no collateral involved.  Financial concerns aside, we are taking a huge emotional risk. There is no guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind once the baby is born.  If she does decide to parent, which is totally within her rights, we would be out all those fees and most likely couldn't afford to try again.  I don't want to even contemplate the emotional devastation we would experience.  It's a risk we have to take though in order to grow our family.

Sometimes I look back and I am amazed at all that we took for granted as far as the future was concerned.  I can honestly say that we have finally learned our lesson.  We don't take much of anything for granted anymore.  I still wonder and worry about the future but I no longer make plans.  I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to adopt and that Mason is meant to have a sibling, but I know that the when and where are not in my control.  I just need to try to be patient and hope and pray constantly that when we are finally matched with an expectant mother, Murphy's Law doesn't try to rear it's ugly head again.

Grief - My Constant Companion

I came across this quote and it struck a chord with me:

No matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.

I truly feel that I have been in a constant state of grief for well over a decade now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss my parents.  My mother and I were extremely close and I would give anything to be able to confide in her and seek her advice and guidance, especially now that I'm a mother myself.  I miss her smile and her laugh and the smell of her perfume. I ache to feel her arms around me and to hear her voice. My father and I didn't have the best relationship while I was younger but we did grow closer the last few years before he passed.  I miss his sense of humor and the way he labeled and described things.  He had a language all his own. Vin, who was more like a father to me than an uncle, was my mentor.  I miss hearing him tell stories, sing silly songs or tell goofy jokes.  He was very wise and he wasn't afraid to tell it like is was, political correctness be damned. While I miss them each and every day, I have more or less accepted their deaths.  Having your parents pass before you is the natural order of things. I wish I could have had MUCH more time with each of them, but I have a lot of memories to keep them close. Unfortunately, memories can't console all types of grief.

I've also suffered from grief concerning fertility and pregnancy. When you are faced with fertility issues, you are forced to accept the fact that your dreams for a family may not ever be realized. You also forfeit your privacy once you start treatment. Not only are you poked and prodded constantly by doctors and nurses, but anyone who knows that you are struggling to start a family constantly asks you how things are going.  Some are much more supportive than others when you struggle for as long as we did; however, I heard countless times from various people, "Maybe you're not meant to have children."  For anyone who has suffered infertility, those words cut like a knife. When you want so badly to have a child and watch him/her grow, you are willing to do anything to make it a reality. Thankfully we were able to keep fighting and we ultimately won the battle; however, that victory came with a price. I was naive in thinking our biggest obstacle was conceiving.  I envy those women who are able to enjoy their pregnancies.  They get to focus on things like decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, packing a hospital bag and picking out the outfit their newborn will come home in.  I wasn't able to experience any of those things during my pregnancy.  That grief is mild though compared to what it's like when you lose your child.

I miss Madelynn every second of every day. I try to hold on to the memories that I have of her but unfortunately, there aren't that many.  Three months was just not enough time. The only memories we have are of her hooked up to machines with tubes and wires everywhere. We didn't get to see her smile or hear her laugh. We didn't get to see her first step or hear her first word. We'll never know the little details like her favorite color or her favorite flavor of ice cream or whether or not she would have played with Barbies or preferred to play with Mason's cars instead. We'll never get to watch her grow into a woman, or choose a career, or get married. Shane will never get to walk her down the isle.  We will forever be left with empty arms and broken dreams.

While we are blessed beyond measure to be able to watch Mason grow, our dreams for him have also been shattered. Not only was he robbed of his twin, but of a typical childhood as well.  The reality is that he won't have the same experiences as his neurotypical peers. He doesn't have the same interests as they do, and as a result he is often excluded.  It breaks my heart to see him always on the outside looking in.  Every day we worry about his future and whether or not he will be able to live independently.  We struggle with the decisions we have to make on his behalf, especially those concerning his education.  We are so afraid of failing him again.  Each time a new obstacle presents itself, we grieve for what should have been.

In our case, time does not heal all wounds. The pain and heartache does not fade away. The life we had envisioned for our family will never be a reality.  Grief is simply a part of our every day lives and will likely remain so until we take our last breath.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race . . .

As much as we would like to do more as far as networking is concerned, we honestly don't know what else is left for us to do at this point other than pray. We have been busy handing out our Pass Along Cards and trying to find other ways to network.  We just created an adoption profile video and uploaded it to YouTube yesterday.  We have had SO many of our friends and family share the link to the video.  We are truly humbled by their outpouring of love and support and we feel blessed beyond words!!  I also found another adoptive parent profile site this evening so I will be creating a profile for that site as well.  The more exposure we have, the better our chances.

We did begin researching agencies on the advice of our social worker.  I contacted several agencies a few weeks ago and requested information packets.  One of the information packets instantly brought me to tears.  That particular agency bases their fees on the race of the child.  The most disturbing part was that after I did a bit more research, and asked other members of the adoption forum that I belong to, I discovered that it is standard practice.  Needless to say, if we end up going the agency route, we WILL NOT be choosing an agency that bases their fees on race!  We are still trying to find an agency that we feel comfortable with which has proved quite elusive, so for now we are going to continue to pursue the independent route.  

I know it is just a matter of time before our future son or daughter finds us.  It occurred to me, however, while looking over our blog that we haven't indicated what our preferences are concerning that child. Frankly, we don't have many. We are open to gender and race and are willing to consider prenatal drug exposure on a case by case basis.  We are also willing to negotiate a level of openess that fits the needs of both the expectant parents and our family.  Our future child will always know that he/she was adopted and that his/her birth parents loved him/her very much.  We want to do what is best for our future child and ensure that he/she grows up knowing his/her roots.  

We are trying to be patient while waiting for our future miracle to find us, but that is SO MUCH easier said than done!! I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race.

P.S. Here is our adoption profile video: